Permanent fix to what was broken???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Permanent fix to what was broken???
9
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 7:35am

I have been MIA for awhile and have found that I just cant do it without all of you here on EAS. Im still in full NC but I do struggle with fully letting go. XMM is still taking up residency in my head and heart.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:04am

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:09am

GMLB,
I, too, would love to know of any resources out there that have to do with what to do about seeking male attention...my DH is very attentive to me. But even before my A started, I was craving male attention from guys I worked with. I personally think part of my reasoning for acting this way is because never had any other boyfriends before my H - I got to my midlife point and then, BAM! It hit me. I could still get attention! Ugh. And even though I am SO incredibly thankful to be rid of my XAP, I still find myself lightly flirting with other guys. What is my problem?? I know the grief and shame associated with the foggy A world now, one would think I would get a clue.
Anyway, hang in there. I'm a newbie and I am learning new things about myself every time I visit EAS. Today is a new day! :)

Hearts <3
NC since 9/18....free to be ME!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:00pm

Hey GMLB!



Last Friday the situation was just perfect for me to fish xap.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:04pm

Hi GMLB- Glad to see you back. Sorry to hear you are having a low- but by now we know it comes with the territory. NS's example of her thought process when tempted to reach out to xap is spot on. I haven't been tempted in a long time to contact xap, but he does rent too much space in my head from time to time and that brings me down. So I have done a lot of thinking about why I need validation from him so much - and I think you are struggling with that same thing. While almost all of us will agree that it feels good to be wanted, we must learn to be okay with ourselves - we all need a deserve love, but I believe that is different than validation. I haven't come to an answer on this, I only know that getting anything from xap or any other male beside my husband will do more harm than good and that I have to keep searching within myself for clarity. Keep digging girl and you will get there.



Hugs,



Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:25pm

Mom, I just love what you have to say!

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 1:22pm
Thanks NS but it took me hitting rock bottom to know that the only place I had to go was up. The things I did during my A were down right ridiculous. I have a wonderful T who tells it to me like it is. She kept me straight when I was at my lowest and making excuses for my bad behavior. The things we tell ourselves and the excuses we make for our behavior during our A make us look like idiots (at least me anyway) and all of us are intelligent wonderful ppl who really f'd up. I am so glad to be on the other side now and have made it through that mess I was in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 2:25pm

I think you hit the nail on the head.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:41pm

Thanks to all of you. Im doing what I can to heal and I have many good days compared to bad which is a huge testiment to how far I have come.



Im sure I will always wonder how XMM is, what he is doing but I was also shown that I wont break NC, I just couldnt do it.



As for the seeking male attention part, heck IDK. Ive been this way for years, Im more comfortable around men and always have been. Im sure that I have Daddy issues that stem back to wanting and needing my dad in my life during those teenage years, and he never was.



Mom, you are right..my therapist

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 1:22pm

Hi GMLB,



You’ve gotten a lot of good input.



Just wanted to do a wave-by and say hello.



Much love and big hugs,



E1



Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.