Personal views on affairs and this board

Avatar for casey055
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Personal views on affairs and this board
10
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 12:43pm
I feel the reason we are all here is because we are hurt due to an affair. It is that cut and dry. We are all going through our own pain. I am single but completely respect the pain the married women and men are going through here. We are ALL going through pain.

I was married and was completely miserable in my marriage. I was at a state where it was easy for me to get out. I had an easy divorce. Most people who go through a divorce were not as fortunate as me and my exhusband. Some people have spouses that want to find them until the end. Therefore if they cannot get out, they feel the need to reach out. Not all married people who have affairs are horrible people with no feelings. Several just seek love from somewhere else when they are not getting it from home. There are consequences of course, but that does not make that person heartless or uncaring. They simply wanted love and passion in their life. Obviously, the people here are either attempting to get our of their affair or already out and trying to move on with their life. I can see it not being an easy task for those of you who are married. IF you are in an unhappy marriage with a spouse that will not budge to meet you halfway then it can be a difficult and lonely process. You may not have that easy route out like some others do in their divorce. I am talking about myself again. I am not naive whatsoever to not believe that there are married men and women that are in good marriages that are players looking for their next "lay" if you will. THe married women here are obviously going through an ordeal an just want to get support in trying to move pass their affairs.

I am single woman who fell in love with an unavailable man. I didn't look for it. It just happened. I fell deeper and deeper and that made it harder to pull myself out of it. I should have tried to pull myself out of it when I found out, but I didn't. That is my fault. It doesn't quite make me a bad person either. I fell for a man that was unavailable. I have no hate for her or for him. It wasn't her fault of course. It was mm's fault and my fault. He pursued me and I kept pursuiing him knowing he was unavailable. For my individual situation, I felt and still do feel he loves me. I have moved on with my life but know he did not just think about me as someone to hop in the sack with. He is a very caring man. He does go through his moments where he does tend to put up a fight for me here and there. I think that his human nature though when you have been involved and intimate with other for over a year.It is hard for both parties to completely let go of each other. I went through some very lonely times like the other single women here. Yes, that makes are cirumstances different. Does it actually make it better? If you are in a bad marriage that you can't get out of...no!I am just trying to say we all go through hurt in different ways. It is still hurt.

I get confused about what this board is suppose to be about sometimes. I quite honestly do not want the board to be separated by married verses singles. IF it is done, I would prefer that they still keep this board available for all. I want to hear what both sides are going through. We are all going through hurt from an affair. We have all gotten ourselves involved in an affair that was hard to pull ourselves out of. I don't thinkg people should be categorized. I am not one to group people. I try to look as each person as an individual and then make my decision. There are single people out there too that take advantage of lonely people in a marriage to pursue that married person. It goes both ways. The bottom line is that the people who are here are here for their hurt from an affair. Can we not all remember that and quit this bashing of the single people verses the married people and vice versa. Is all of this really necessary? Keep in mind that we are are going through hurt from an affair. We have all done wrong. That is what it boils down to...married or single. The married people knew they were married when they chose to have an affair and the single people knew or found out the other person was married when they were involved with that person. The only difference I see here is if a single person did not ever have any aknowledgement of the other person's marital status. Most here were involved in longer term affairs to be aware of the the marital status. To my knowledge there is noone on this board who wasn't aware. PLease correct me if I am wrong. This is all known to all of us. People are here either to support or be supported. That is all it should be about. The single verses married bashing should stop. People are hurt here and don't come here to hear that. That should be on the debate board as far as I am concerned. JMHO


Edited 4/19/2003 12:49:21 PM ET by casey055

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 1:28pm
That was a very insightful post Casey and I agree with everything you said. Something else I would like to point out is that this board is also for those looking for a way out of their affair and I believe most would agree that without the advice and support they received here, they may still be in that same dark rut. Advice and/or help; whatever you wish to call it comes in many forms but it always comes down to reading the truth and finding a place of accepting it. Speaking in generalized terms helps keep personal attacks from happening to others. That is exactly what I did when I first posted TO CINDERELLA who was dealing with some members here who attacked her mother's character. In an effort to support her and make her feel better, I made mention of married people who get away with bad behavior. Was there no truth in that? And do you think that the married people who are members here should take that post personally when it was directed to a gal who is SINGLE? I never wanted to debate a thing here and I totally agree that debate belongs on those boards. If I had spoken to Little Good Witch personally and said those things, I could definitely understand all the posts from the last several days. But that wasn't the case. Iamdelightful who is single has spoken up about her frustration over this issue and talked of leaving the board, I have, and from what I've seen, the ONLY post from Cinderella that has been on this board in the last several days since this all started was to me thanking me for the SUPPORT.

So if you have any axe to grind here with anyone, please make sure to post to or speak with Little Good Witch. Perhaps she can give you an explanation because I cannot. I certainly tried but no one seems to be willing to approach the subject of taking posts personally when they have nothing to do with them.

Oh and btw, I meant what I said to you yesterday. Take care.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 4:08pm
Casey, you're yet another one who saaid goodbye and moved on, what?, a year or so ago?

You're wrong. The reason you and Gt and others ar ehere is because you are still hung up on some guy who made a decision not to be with you. So you play out the "affair" or fling on the board. On and on. Yeah, that's recovery - NOT.

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 5:35pm
You know something??? You don't need to come here and cause anyone any trouble, but that is exactly what you're after, isn't it??? And the leaders of Ivillage surely know it. I hate to tell you this but my recovery is doing just fine, thank you. And I happen to know that Casey is doing just as well. Just because a person decides to post here to help others doesn't for one minute mean they are not over their affair. Why can't you grasp that? Do you think our cl-noregretsever isn't over his A? Or Miss Chris? Do you think that Sweetblonde isn't over hers? Do you think that the ONLY way to truly recover is to be away from this message board? That is very narrow minded.

You have been invited to stay and share here many times and all you ever want to do is come here to cause the ladies more heartache. I refuse to let you. Go ahead and slam me all you want because it isn't going to affect my ability to heal or to help others if I so choose. You're on a public message board, not at a therapy office. I sure hope you find some peace. You need to.

God speed.

GT

Avatar for casey055
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 7:14pm
Thank you
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 11:38am
Oh sweetie, no need to thank me...when you get a free moment, go outside and look up. That is who deserves the thanks, not me. He is in control here, no one else is.

Love to you this Easter Sunday and always.

GT

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 11:47am
LOLOLOLOLOLOL! WHOO HOO!!! It is absolutely WONDERFUL to be a child of God and know that just a little faith goes a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong way! I just want to stand up and shout!!! Dance and sing!!! And Praise HIM!!!

Whoo hoo...what a gift on Easter!

Love all around!

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 12:55pm
>> So if you have any axe to grind here with anyone, please make sure to post to or speak with Little Good Witch. Perhaps she can give you an explanation because I cannot. I certainly tried but no one seems to be willing to approach the subject of taking posts personally when they have nothing to do with them. <<

And I thought, again, that this was DONE. Ok - obviously, there is NO mistake that this is directed at me, personally, since you named me. I really do NOT get it - the entire point of my original post from however long ago was that we don't need to separate ourselves out and go off into subgroups when we all share so much in common and have so much to offer each other. But still it goes on and on... you want me to try to explain again? ok.

Let's try this from another angle... If someone says something about a group of people - let's say tall thin brunette women - and you are a tall thin brunette woman, is that remark then, by default, about you? YES. Maybe you aren't named directly, but when someone says (and I'm just trying to explain, since you ASKED me personally to explain) that "tall thin brunette women get away with murder around here, and I question their character" - then if I were a tall thin brunette women, I would have every right to express my feelings about this. It IS personal when it's about me, whether I am named directly or not. It's a public board. There are no private posts here - that is what email is for. So when a group (brunette women, MARRIED women, people with purple hair, whoever...) is labeled or stereotyped in any way, a member of that group reading that post has every right to respond.

Of course this has all gone SO far off track from the original intent of ANY of these posts at this point... this board is about SUPPORT. We've all gone through a lot of pain related to extramarital affairs. Let's PLEASE try to remember that and refocus...

'Nuff said (AGAIN)

Glinda

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 8:39am
Okay Glinda, you want this board to be about SUPPORT, then be willing to give it. Perhaps you should know that I am smack dab in the middle of the ANGER phase with the MM in my life. That has nothing to do with you. However, for me to process it, I have to deal with why married people cheat because this man is married and cheated! The way I see it when someone takes my posts way too seriously and believe me you are not the first, is that you do not understand what I have been through and never will because you are married. So are you up to the task of dealing with my anger over my own situation or not? Or is this board only about what affects you personally?

I'm sorry but you are right. This whole post has gotten out of hand because my original comment wasn't even directed to you to begin with. So I have found someone else other than this board to help me process my anger. I won't need to deal with it here because too many can't handle it. So ultimately, I haven't gotten the support I've needed when this type of situation crops up. Perhaps you will be able to get what you need.

Good luck to you.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:27pm
Hey Casey, OMG I am so happy that you are doing so much better. I read your post and the replies that follow and some things never change do they. But, one thing I did notice that has changed is you and GT are mincing nice words and that makes me happy. I remember when things weren't so great between the two of you and it hurt me so bad, but now things are definitely looking up for you and I'm so happy for you. Hey, someone said something about you leaving what a year or so ago. Girl, don't let that stuff bother you, you stay here forever if that's what you want to do.

As far as me and my situation, I'm better, much better. And like you I have moved on with my life WITHOUT the XMM and I'm fine with it. You just hang in there girly, keep posting, I think you're alot like me and when we're attacked we want to fight back, but really it's not worth it. We have a life now that doesn't revolve around our XMM and if we stick around maybe we can help other people that want the same feeling of relief that it's finally over and that there is life after betrayal.

Take Care Sweetie, I'll be talking to you later.

Sweet

Avatar for casey055
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 5:25pm
Hey girl!! Yes, I am doing alot better these days. It is good to hearing how well you are donig too. I have given up on the fighting. Getting a little bored with it. If you notice I am no longer long winded with any remarks I have. I did live the married single post. But that was not lashing out just expressing my opinions on it. I have nothing to say to the monthly attacker. Didn't feel like responding to that one either. I do need to correct that whole year misconception. Started coming here at the end of November. It has been on and off like you since then. Now I come here because I met some good people here and want to post to the ones I really relate to and can offer some advice on. It is good to hear how great you are doing. You are right about the xmm/oms. I think it was just a matter of time.

Casey