phase 2 for me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
phase 2 for me...
5
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:12pm
I've been hanging around for months here, and some of you know my story, some of you don't. In a nutshell, my husband admitted to his affair early last year, and I promptly reacted by starting my own affair with a very attentive co-worker. What I thought would just be a fling ended up with me falling for him very badly. We then ended the affair because neither of us were into the double-life thing, and the silver lining is that we are still friends now. While I am healing from the end of that relationship, I realise that my affair has been a defense mechanism for me in face of my husband's affair. God, just writing this down is kind of painful so bear with me if I'm incoherent... i have to go to the bathroom to get a kleenex now...

OK, I'm better now. Where was I? Let me try to articulate myself better... see, I think my affair and healing from it was my way of delaying the process of coping with my husband's affair... am I making any sense? I'm realistic enough to know that I'm not completely over my xOM, but I'm much better than I was a few months ago. I can honestly say that if he walks away from me right now and never talks to me again, I will accept it. I will grieve the end of a friendship, but I will not obsess about it anymore.

Realising that has forced me to go back to the real issue - why my husband strayed. He is remorseful for getting stuck in this mess, but not strong enough to end it. He is still a cake-eater, and he's carrying on his affair in my face, and tells me when he's at HER place, and texts her in front of me. I let him. I've even told him I'm ok with it. And I thought I WAS ok with it, and sometimes I AM ok with it, but that's the danger - how can I possibly say I want the marriage to work when I'm ok with sharing him? I am deceiving my husband. This ridiculous arrangement is only making a farce of marriage and what it stands for.

It's time for me to go into the next phase - I have to confront the problems in my marriage straight on, because I no longer have an OM or my own affair to escape from it. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I may visit the Betrayed Spouses board... I have lurked there a few times, but I was afraid to post because I myself was a cheating spouse, and I was afraid that the posters there would throw rotten tomatoes at me and burn me at the stake. But I think it's time for me to be brave, and sieve out the lessons that I can learn from that board, because there are some women there who are still with their husbands, and are making progress, and I want to learn from them.

I know that there is a level of animosity between the BS board and this one... this is how a deserter in the army must feel like, I feel like I'm changing allegiances, but I do hope you all understand that I'm NOT changing allegiances. I just feel like I ought to tell you that if you see me posting on the BS board, it doesn't mean I share the same views as some of the betrayed spouses. I can tell you with my hand on my heart that I bear no bitterness or anger towards the so-called OW, because I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH. I have no ill feeling towards my husband's OW, and I do not blame her for what happened. I blame myself for driving my husband away from me, but I do NOT blame her. We are all humans, and falling for someone is not a bad thing.

So, I'm not saying goodbye, because I will continue visiting this board, and I will post where I can. This board has truly truly been a lifesaver for me, I want you all know that (oh no, I just grabbed another kleenex). But now that I'm coming to terms with the end of my affair, it's time for me to tackle the other issues that are growing exponentially: self-esteem, why I married in the first place, what is missing in my marriage, whether I'm treating my husband right, whether I am any good a wife at all, etc etc etc. My xOM... sigh, I so want the best for him, but as riverguy said to his xOW, "I want the best in the world for you, but right now the best isn't me". I am harmful for him, and he's better off without me. At least until I get my act together and 'find myself'.

If you saw me now and the number of kleenexes in the wastebin next to me, you will see that I'm kind of in a bad state now, and I need to get a grip on my life.

Wish me luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 1:15pm
I'm somewhat shocked, and sending prayers your way...

Good luck & God Bless, wasnot!

I knew some of your story from the past, but did not know the nature of your H's A. Am I reading right?? That it is ongoing, and right under your nose?!

Bless you! I don't know all the details, but you know me... I'm always shouting from the roof tops "NC!" Right?

Well, the other side of that same coin would be asking your H for the same thing- NC from his OW. I hope & pray she can soon be an "xOW". You're right. You know this tragedy from both sides of the fence. Who better to be armed to make the most of it? You can help him, ...and must.

I'm rebuilding some stuff in my own marriage right now, and really do feel that I'm making progress. If a knuckle head like me can, you can! Counselling has really helped me, too.

I won't be here a lot this coming month. I've been here a lot this past week, but really do want to get away (I was doing sooo well & fell off the wagon a bit)... Good luck to you wasnot! Don't worry about being bullied on the BS board. You can always link this heart felt post (of yours) to folks who don't understand; if they still don't understand, use the buttons available to ignore their posts. I'm sure you'll find wisdom & support there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 8:29pm
thanks for your prayers.... I think I need them! Yes, the affair is still going on under my nose. I started off asking him to choose between her or me, and but he can't, and says I'm making things more difficult for him. So I backed down, because I don't want to fight, and said whatever, tell me when you've ended it, I'll wait.

I'm tired.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 10:46pm

Hi wasnotthinking...I tried to email you but you dont have that feature set up. Could you possibly email me? I'd like to offer you some support, and some advise--friendly, gentle, helpful advise. I hear/feel the pain in your post and I truly do want to make sure you get all the help you possibly can......


You can email me through my profile ( I think).....


HUGE hugs


Deb (aka cl-debs1999 from bssg-I come in peace!!!)......




Edited 2/2/2004 10:47:55 PM ET by debs1999
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 7:49pm
oh, i just saw this post...

good luck...gosh, i could just feel your torment and anguish in your post. gawd, i wish i had more to say than good luck. hang in there, okay?

i'm really proud of you for realizing that you need to now deal w/ the underlying problems. i don't know how you can deal w/ your husband having an affair right under your nose.

but i also wanted to throw in my 2 cents about something...i don't think you should feel like you drove him to an affair. look, we all make our own decisions. short of having a gun to our heads, it's really not fair to say that you made him seek the affections of another woman. i can understand that you entered an affair as a way of coping and as a way of retaliating. but for his affair, you had yours. okay that's true. but it was an eye for an eye thing. or at least that's how i read your post.

as for your husband, i think it's total crap for you to tell yourself that but for not being a better wife, he had an affair. do you see the difference?

take responsibility for what you should. AND he should take responsibility for his share.

and also, i don't think you're making it difficult by asking him to choose. not all people are okay w/ affairs. sure, some people have open marriages. someone once said "the chains of marriage are so heavy that it often takes 3 people to carry." but if that's not you, then you have a right to have the kind of marriage you want. don't settle. and don't blame yourself.

lots of hugs,

sambagita

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 5:36pm
Bless your soul.

Does he know about this site? Is there too much here that you wouldn't want him to see? Any way you could show him this site, after you maybe change your handle or anything (if there is stuff here he SHOULDN'T see)?

This site has really helped me (as you know).

There is so much I want to suggest & offer, but I'm sure you've turned all options over already (like counseling, etc).

I really am sending prayers out for you, wasnot... Best to ya.