Pit in stomach
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Pit in stomach
| Thu, 01-13-2005 - 2:44pm |
Today I just feel a pit in my stomach. I feel nauseated. It reminds me so much of where I used to be ALL THE TIME. I guess it is because of the 3 vm I received from xMM. I decided NOT to give him back his rosary because it is a form of contact. I will just keep the NC at all cost.
In his vm he said that he *wants* to get over me and get out of the pain, but hasn't been able to yet. Still looks for me everywhere. Loves me more today than he ever has. Is overwhelmed. Is dead inside because he can't love anyone else but me. But he finally said that he would be stronger and would be able to keep NC.
It really hurts physically again today.
Survive

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I'm so sorry, Survive.
I can only offer one piece of advice I've heard on the boards: DO NOT LISTEN TO HIS VM'S.
I know you will want to, but even with the things he said (that some people would die to hear their xMMs say) look at the way you are feeling today. You are trying to STOP feeling that crappy. NC means NC.
Next time you see you have a vm from him, hold the phone far so you can't hear it and start pumping that "delete message" key til he's gone.
Good luck-
Breathe
If you don't return the rosary, don't you think he'll keep using that as an excuse to contact you? Unless you want him to keep bugging you and causing all this unneeded stress, why not just mail it to him anonymously and be done with it?
fresh
Thank you for your replies. I will try not to listen to the vm next time. That will be really hard, but I know that it just makes me feel bad to hear it.
I am afraid that if I send the rosary back he will feel like it is contact, that I heard his message and did what he said, like we were actually in contact. And that he might use that as an excuse to keep it going. He always gives it back to me when I give it to him. So I don't know. I don't think he wants that rosary really, he wants to know that I heard his messages. If I had just hit delete than I would have never known he wanted his rosary back.
Survive
Survive
I agree with you keep total no contact, just a strange thought but could you give it to his Priest let him give it back, having to explain how you got it may cause him second thought.
Free.
You're a big girl. Just give him back the rosary. Even if you have to see him. Just give it back. It's the one last remaining physical link (no pun intended) between you. Then you're not tied to him in any way, shape or form. (You're using this rosary to keep him connected to you.) And then start the NC. Seeing him one more time or listening to his voice one more time -- it's not going to make it any easier -- but it's not going to make it any tougher. You have ended the relationship -- for whatever reasons. You know it cannot continue. Give him back his rosary -- and start the grieving process. The pain will end. Unfortunately, it won't end as quickly as you would like. But it will end.
mail back the rosary. I know its hard, it really is just something you want to hold onto. I still haven't deleted some text messages (the good ones and the angst filled ones) both he and I sent. I think I will do this on Saturday. (boy why does this kind of thing need so much planning...to just let goooooooooooooooo?) I am a cancer...we are extremely sentimental. grrrrr...its a gift and a curse. "you matter you matter you are a person you matter". Ack...I need to matter. =)
I say...Send it back. Think of it as an empowering thing. "You want this back ? Here. Bye". No more excuses for him to contact you. Easier said than done I know. But dont wait until it looks like a "sign" from you. If you wait too long he will see it like that instead of just doing what was asked. (Ya know what I mean?) . He wants it back. It has meaning for him. Ask yourself what the real meaning is to you and deal with that issue. You may find that you WANT to give it back.(Wouldnt that feel great!) I hope so because that will mean you feel strong. I wish that for myself and everyone. I really do.
:::hugs to all::
Lizzie
Well I put the rosary in the mail today. I decided that I did want to keep it and therefore I should probably give it back. He wore it in his pocket every day for probably 10 years and then he gave it to me to help me. I guess it does keep a tie between us. so. . . .I have to let go. . . .
Survive
Good going. I'm curious, and you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but did you enclose any sort of note? I can't recall your story or why you're ending your affair, but if it were me, I would have been so tempted to write a sappy, 'I miss you; I love you; I think about you all the time' sort of thing. I'm such a softy.
fresh
Dear Fresh:
Well I thought about putting in a note and this is what I composed in my head (my A is over 15 months) May God bless you and your family with happiness and peace. I am doing much better. Love, Survive." I didn't write it.
Then, I went to DMV to renew my license. They took a new picture of me. They cut out the old picture and gave it to me. It was of me in August 2003, I was wearing the rosary, on that day xMM was at DMV with me and we were both renewing our licenses. He had broken up with me that day for the first time and I was so sad ( I had already filed for D at that time, he had just told his W about the A one month before and was getting heavy guilt about it) but I smiled for the picture and it was a really good picture.
I came back to the office and opened the envelope and put the picture in with the rosary. I know I shouldn't have done it. The mail went out.
Survive
OMG!! How cool. A picture is worth a thousand words. Betcha' he holds on to it for a long time to come. Keep us posted on future developments, k?
fresh
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