Planning to say good bye after 2yrs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Planning to say good bye after 2yrs
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 3:56pm
I am 21 and have been with my MM who is 40 for what will be two years in August. I have been striving to distance myself from him emotionally and otherwise. I let him do most of the calling and when he say's "I am so in love with you" and other sweet nothings I barely respond. I love this man and if I could keep this up forever without growing bitter and hating myself I would but that is unrealistic. I did not realize what this affair was doing to me but it has drained me. I frown more than I smile. I don't take care of myself the way I use to. It's hard for me to look in the mirror or recieve compliments. I have been waffling in college from major to major and feel overwhelmed by the stress in my life. Never in my life had I planned on remaining in my hometown after college. . .I only stayed here for family support after having a baby (from a previous relationship)--but after being with him I think I subconciously sabatoged myself which lead to failure & erradic behavior that has left me confused and not on track for my graduation target date of Spring 2006. He has such a strong hold on me, esp. mentally. He can sense when I am considering ending it and does things to stifle that decision. I have passed on the opportunity to be with a wonderful single guy who gave up on me after a year of pursuing me to continue this affair. In December at a party I met this nice, professional man, age 31, single and when he expressed interest I turned a cold shoulder. I tried to make things right by calling him up. Time will tell what may come of that but I have come to realize that NOTHING in my life will be RIGHT until I STOP DOING WRONG and let this MM GO!!!
I want my life back. I want to be young and vibrant again. I want a love that is mine and mine alone. It's what we all deserve but are CHEATED of when we cheat on or with others.