platonic male friends...do they exist?
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| Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:56am |
I've been thinking alot about my situation with XOM and the fact that I would like to go back to being 'just good friends'. Alot of you have said it's just not possible. and that he will always be a threat to my M.
This has brought up a whole lot of other issues for me. XOM was one of many male friends that I maintain relationships with. I find men easy to talk to and enjoy having a male point of view on things.
Some have over the years made a move on me and I have just jokingly said no-thankyou and carried on being friends(XOM being the exception). Some have shown no romantic intrest in me whatsoever. Some compliment me and enjoy that too. Yes, my ego enjoys a good stroking! But after this A, I can't help but wonder can men and women ever be platonic friends?
Do these men have some other agenda?!!! Where is the line between 'just friends' and potential lover?
Also... Emotional affairs! I'd never heard that term before coming to this board and it's confused the hell out of me!
Posiepops tried to explain it to me but I'm still a bit hazy on that matter!
Please help! I want to go back to maintaining normal HEALTHY friendships with men!
Where did I go wrong with XOM?!!!
confused
m x

Like you, I have a number of male friends. Some have been friends for 20yrs while some are more recent. The important distinction for me is that I have absolutely no hesitation in including DH in any of these friendships.
Here are some points to ponder:-
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went? No,
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner? No
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
YES
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
Yes
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
Yes
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
Some of them may make sexual references, but it's mostly joking around.
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
NO
8. Are you in love with your friend?
NO NO NO
Not even XOM!
My answers to the above are in reference to my other male friends. Not XOM. If I was referring to him then Iguess my answers would be the opposite of what I'd written.
Kinda makes it clear that XOM and I need some time before continuing with a friendship!
Also I now know whats appropriate behavior with XOM when we do decide we are ready to be friends! (I wont do anything with him I would not be willing to do if H was also present.)
Thankyou very much posie, also thought you may like to know I'm at 5 days N.C and still waiting for you to say "I told you so!!"
m x
Edited to add this one, which is the one I meant to post:
"Why you don't have to have sex to cheat"
http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/debate/emotional/articles/0,,368365_368488,00.html
Edited 10/12/2004 7:50 am ET ET by maybekatie
<<>>
Whoo-Hooo! Go you! I really love what Survive said about NC being her real life since there were only ever moments snatched with exMM or exOM - What a great perspective, and makes it far less scary a concept while reminding us NC is the norm rather than the exception!
<<>>
You can stop waiting, poppet, you'll never hear it from me. I see-sawed back & forth so much over the years (yes, years) that my fingers would seize up & force themselves up my own nostrils before they'd allow me type out the "t--d you so" words.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Avoid geeting with hugs or a kiss?!! My friends and I have greeted each other in this way for years. I care for them a great deal and when I meet them they get a hug or a kiss to show this.
If one of my friends stopped greeting me in this way, I would worry that I had done something wrong, or that they were not as fond of me as they once were.
When I see my father in law I hug him and he gets a kiss...on both cheeks! Should I be worried that he's trying to get into my bed or should he be worried that It's not just his son I'm interested in?!! I'm sorry but these rules and regulations made by these 'professionals' just seem ridiculous!
Are we so cautious and politically correct in society these days that we must cut out displays of friendly human affection towrds one another?
A hug is what it is. A hug.
I hug my mother.
I hug my friends.
I even hug my dog.
I don't think I'll be having an affair with them anytime soon!
Thanks but I can't agree with you on this one.
If talking to my friends and hugging them means that I am having an emotional affair, then I'm having it with an awful lot of men.
m x
Just thought I'd give my 2 cents!
Yes, you can have a platonic relationship. I think that Dr. is way over the edge when it comes to what you 'should' and 'should not do' between the sexes.
The bottom line is - you know if the relationship is platonic or not. If you fantasize about the person, you think you and this person could 'date', if you have any sexual feelings for the person, then it's not platonic. Period.
I have guy friends that I can go to the bar with after work. I have absolutely no feelings for them other than I care about them as a person. Yes, I hug them. We can hang out. My husband is aware. I don't HIDE anything about these relationships from him. THAT IS THE TEST - if there is anything HIDDEN then it's most likely not platonic.
Just my two cents!!!
I can totally relate to this as this is what happened to me. Also the part about using up energy that should be meant for your M is true also. For me it got to the point where I would encourage my H to go out for the evening without me so that I could call the man that would eventually become the OM. Now this almost seems silly now. I would have missed out on a nice romantic meal with H to have idle chit_chat with someone who at that time was only a 'friend'.
Right now, I can see that my male friends are platonic. I know this because anything I do/say/the way I act towards them would be the same as if my H was present. I dont have anything to hide from my H about these friends.
XOM is, of course not a platonic friend at the moment. It's still all too soon to expect things to go back to the way they were before our A. I am hoping that this will happen and we will salvage some kind of friendship from this whole incident.
THanks maybekatie
m x
If it were your husband and another woman would you want them being friends and remaining in contact?
JMHO