Playing with fire
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Playing with fire
| Wed, 09-29-2004 - 10:33am |
I e-mailed him back this morning, short and polite but distant that I am fine. However, as Posie said, I am in the midst of his game now. The thing is, I don't know why I still want/need to play it. I don't know if it's that I'm the type of wishy-washy person who bounces back and forth between decisions or if it's that I just really wasn't ready to end it and I tried to soon or because I like to punish myself. I know I can't be friends with him, I don't want to be in an A. with him anymore, so what am I doing?

I totally understand where you are coming from. It is very difficult for me to resist an email from XOM, too. But every time we had ended things in the past, he would send rne a friendly email, I would send him a friendly response, and then the flirting would start up again. (That's exactly how I got into my latest mess. He had emailed the week before and I DIDN'T respond, so I thought I was in control- NOT!) I always thought I was strong enough to NOT get back into things, and I enjoyed the pursuit. But every single time, I eventually ended up back where I started. Making out with him, and then wondering what it meant. Hoping it wasn't what I expected. And then not being mentally or emotionally present with my husband, who has been great trying to work on our marriage.
I think that we just like to feel like they still want us. To see exactly how far we can push things without slipping back into an affair. I am completely terrified of rejection- of him not wanting me. So when he emails I really have to fight it not to answer it.
Take my word though, something as innocent as a little email CAN rock your boat and set you back. It has for me. :(
I would love some advice on how to NOT feel that way!
Lily
There could be several reasons. You said you didn't think you were ready to end it. That's probably the main reason.
I ended mine 7 weeks ago - but wanted to do the friends thing. I've realized that it won't be easy and I don't know if I can do it. We haven't seen each other this whole time, and he keeps sending me em's but I cannot respond to him like I used to and told him why. (He disappeared for a while after some stuff I said - not the response I wanted).
Anyway, I felt I HAD to respond to him after a while - but all I said was that when he didn't respond to me it sucked, and that's why I'm not responding like normal.
He wrote back something and said he wanted me in his life (yeah, I'm sure he does!) which
made things harder.
Maybe you are just trying to be nice - I know that's what I was doing.
But someone else wrote that we have to be SELFISH - this is NOT about what THEY want it's about what WE want, NEED and HAVE to do for ourselves.
Think long and hard about what you want. You said you don't want the A; and you know that you can't be friends with him. Read your own words and break it off. I know it's hard; probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do.
But think about it - he turned you into a liar and a cheat. You don't want that anymore, do you?
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Yup, his game, but YOU have made the choice to play it.
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Ask yourself why, only you have that answer, hon. I can make all kinds of suppositions but that's all they'd be. Ok I'll hazard a shot in the dark:- How about hope that one day he'll get that light bulb moment, come to his senses and realise he does love you, want you, need you and will therefore leave his relationship for you thereby proving once and for all that you are worthy of loving and being loved. That was my answer, by the way. And it turned out that it didn't matter if 500 men left their partners for me because worth (mine or anyone elses') isn't based on whether men jump through hoops to be with me. There are damn few knights on white horses, Toosmart, and the ones that DO exist won't drop their integrity for a roll in the hay.
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Well, it's not wishy-washy because you made an active choice to return that email and re-open an only partially closed door. To paraphrase Anais Nin, you'll end it when the pain of staying in an unhealthy relationship outweighs the pain of ending it. As for self-punishment, what are you punishing yourself for, Toosmart?
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Given a choice between something warm & fuzzy and something cold & prickly, which do you think most people will choose? Ok, now something that's usually cold & prickly but very occasionally gives out warm fuzzies against something that's only ever cold & prickly? How about something slightly less cold & prickly versus cold & prickly? I'd say in a cold & prickly versus cold & prickly it's a matter of tossing a coin because both options are equally blah.
I'd guesstimate that you're at the something slightly less than cold & prickly stage of your A and you perceive being out of the A as only ever being cold & prickly. What you don't see at the moment is that the cold & prickly option of being out of the A ultimately gives far more intense & long-lasting warm fuzzies since those warm fuzzies aren't dependent on a selfish git's whims.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie