please don't think I am crazy- thoughts?
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| Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:33pm |
So on Thursday I decided to send an email...so I sent this
It was really nice to see you. That doesn’t mean that it was not incredibly hard and that you were probably right- it may have been easier not to see you, but I am glad we got together. It meant a lot. I felt so comfortable with you and around you. I knew when I saw you- there was my best friend. It was so easy to talk and “hang out”- I think that was what I felt missing- that connection. When I talk about soul mate—I think there are lots of meanings—but for us there has always been this connection and it is there even in the most difficult of circumstances. We trust each other completely- and that is rare. Different people bring out different parts of us and I think you and I have always brought out the best in each other.
As we talked about your divorce, I could see the pain in your eyes and hear it in your voice. I know you loved W and she hurt you very deeply. For that I am sorry. As you opened up and told me some of the things that had gone on I felt so sad that you had to go through it—yet I also knew you were getting to a better place. It was hard to see you question who you were and how you handled yourself. When you talked about W calling you verbally abusive—I felt sorry for her. I do not know why she did that—but at some point she will realize that was wrong. You probably think that is impossible…but I truly believe that people can and do change. We all change—we look at ourselves and see what is good and what makes us happy and we try to let that grow in our lives. We learn from our mistakes. Now that is not to say that we will not continue to make mistakes—because we will…and some will even be big ones…but that is part of life.
When you asked if you were ever verbally abusive to me – I thought no…and as I thought more about it I realize that the reason for that is that I truly trust you and know that you will listen to me and I will always listen to you. That doesn’t mean I always agree with you—because I don’t…but I respect and value you advice and opinion about things…so when you got mad at me for acting irrational I knew you were right. It was easy to see things from your point of view and acknowledge that I was completely off base. I don’t tend to get defensive around you because I know you- if that makes any sense. I think we both really do listen to each other without judging. So please do not question yourself.
So now we are at a completely different point than we were a few weeks ago. Sure it is hard—but very few things in life that are worthwhile are easy. I trust you and I value our friendship. We have been through worse and we have managed to maintain our friendship. We have always supported each other in finding the balance we need in our lives. I don’t know what the future holds but I do know we both want what is best for the other. That kind of friendship is rare—and I do not want to lose that. So I encourage you to find what you are looking for, try not to close too many doors and do what makes you happy. I miss you and our friendship. I definitely could use your friendship right now.
me
PS I hope that xx(his son) is doing well and that you get to see him play lots this summer. I know you miss having him around and you are very proud of him.
I know folks talk about this being an addiction-- but I honestly feel like it is more like a death...and I have a choice in how I deal with this. I want to be able to talk to him and be friends...and sure that will be incredibly difficult- but this is a man I have known and been friends with for over 20 years. He knows me better than anyone else. I know he is doing what he thinks is right...and I can't make him love me...but I do think we can find some kind of balance and be friends.
Am I over him yet-- no I am not. Do I miss him-- incredibly. Do I need to be his friend- no-- but I would like to be friends. We have always supported each other as friends. I value that friendship.
I was with my parents over the weekend and just called his house at a time when I knew he would be out and just left a message saying-- I was hoping you'd be out. I am in XX and told my parents about my splitting up with H and it was tough-- but I knew they needed to know what is going on...I think I figured out why your XW did what she did...it is easier to rant and rave and get folks on your side in a sense than to say- it just isn't working - we are both good people, but don't seem to be able to make each other happy. IN this way people just say-- oh I am sorry it didn't work if that makes sense..anyway I hope you are doing well and having fun...
OK so 2 times I contacted him ....I do not feel awful about that-- but rather feel like it is me choosing to be friends and to figure out how we can do that and be OK. I am sure that he too wants to be friends and he wants to try to figure out how we can do that.
I sent the email from work-- and knew that it had a return receipt program on it that would let me know when he opened the email( he would not know that is has the return receipt)...he opened it yesterday afternoon. I have not heard from him yet...what do you think????

No offence intended TB just take care you do not do to him what so many XMM do to the women that post here.
BE WELL
Free
We had left it that I would decide whether I wanted to be friends with him. He said that he loved me and would always want to be friends but that whatever I decided he would respect. I said I did not know what I could handle.
I guess I do not understand what you mean?
tb
His parting words sound rather typical of men leaving a relationship and should be taken with a pinch of salt.
What I meant was you see how these women want out of the relationship but the guys often make it hard for them to move on by not letting go, "SORRY" I may have spoken out of turn in your case not understanding what he said to you.
Take care
Free
IF you do NOT hear from him, it is time for you to face the reality that HE wants to close this door once and for all. For whatever reasons, he is trying to move on. I have had friendships where contact was not made in many years, and then out of the blue I would get a phone call or a letter. THIS is what may happen down the road, but you have exposed your heart to the point that it is raw...How can you even begin to heal it if you don't put some kind of closure around it?
And IF he were to contact you, let him say what HE needs to say, and learn to listen with your EARS, not your HEART. You truley DO need to move on...
True
Maybe I am not thinking clearly. I guess you are right-- he knows I too would like to be friends and now it is up to him to decide if he can handle that. I had thought that it was me who had to decide if I could handle being just friends. It never occurred to me that he would not want to be friends...he said he did...maybe he did not mean what he said...oh well...now I feel stupid again. I am 45 yo-- why I am so naive. You are right maybe he just wants me completely out of his life so he can move on. When I broke up with him in college we maintained the friendship and when he broke up with me in med school we still were friends. I guess this is different in some way.
tb
I want nothing more then to encourage you in some way, so here go's
Divorce is a very hard thing to go through even when you think that is what you want, the emotional toll is much much greater then you can imagine, XMM is going through that now and needs to process this by himself there is know way anyone can really help him, when he has and is feeling on an even keel again it is possible that you may here from him, but it is going to take some time and he may only be open to friendship and nothing more then that, but I think maybe you could live with this.
Patience and acceptance are your best friends.
BEST WISHS
Free
I am trying to understand all this. It is completely confusing to me. I understand that D is difficult even in the best of situations. He found out in Jan that W wanted a D. It was incredibly difficult. We talked so often and he was clearly struggling. I was there for him as a friend and support-- I knew he could not handle anything more. W moved out in April or beginning of May with the kids and this was hard on him. In mid May I thought he was finally feeling on a more even keel and was at peace in a sense with where things were. Retrospectively, I guess that is probably when he started thinking about needing a real relationship now and not one 5 years down the line.
He usually is an incredibly nice person. I know he would never hurt me intentionally so I don't really know what is going through his head. I guess I just thought it was me that needed the time to adjust not him...he had adjusted over the past 2 months.
I am trying to process both the break-up of my M and this relationship all at once and adjust to a new life. It is incredibly hard, but all I can do is try to think through what is right for me at this point in time. So I took him at face value- he has always been my friend and I thought I had to figure out if I could be his friend. I guess fro now - I have told him that I want to be friends- he knows that-- and now it is up to him to decide if he can handle that or not.
tb
You two have a lot of history between you, a lot of friendship it seems to me, all I can suggest is do what your doing work on getting your life together and let him do the same, in duo time the real friendship (not the romance) will most likely resurface, real friendships don't die often they just have there time and place to be.
BY THE BY as your going to learn down the road there is a big difference between breaking up a marriage and divorce this may sound stupid but the actual act of divorce carries something extra with it that is hard to define but extremely hurtfull to the spirit (for want of another word).
good night
Free