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| Sun, 04-17-2005 - 8:34pm |
I have been involved in an affair for 7 years. He has always been the one to call the shots...disappearing for weeks, then coming back when he needs me again. I love him so much yet he hurts me again and again. He is married, I am married, both with children...this is just so messed up but I'm tired of obsessing over him. Always checking my cell phone, waiting for an email...anything to keep hanging on.
How do I let go? I allow him to control my life, my emotions, everything.

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((((Trissa))))
Your post sounds like me..though mine lasted four years off and on. I can tell you are wanting help of some sort. Half wanting it over or half wanting to stop the rollercoaster ride to get off? Do you feel like you could salvage your marriage if you just concentrated on your dh? Is your marriage good?
You have to really want to move on. It's hard if you don't...I do relate to much of what you wrote about letting him control your emotions/life etc. You need to take that back. Grab it away from him before he continues any further with it, and before you somehow end up getting caught and messing up some lives (Your childrens' to name a few)..
EMA's are serious stuff..i know how the high feels..I know how the low feels..but its not worth it. You need to take your life back. Take all of yourself back so you use your energy to focus on your kids, your family's life..
Sending you hugs --
hey tris,
its all up to u to let go, ui know what to do, in your heart u know what to do
the hurt is so much, sometimes when we feel and fall out of love or whatever it is, it is the disconnection that hurts, he is not there anymore and u know it and why would u let him do it to u, u said u he calls the shots, a healthy relationship is not that, the affair is fullof lies, thats is, u know it
time to come clean and let go and reclaim your life and dignity, focus on your marriage and husband and kids if applicable
btw, welcome to the board, pls post and let us know, we are all here to listen
hey lea, the yoga place was closed the teacher had some emergency of some sort so ill try next time, end up eating early dinner with friends
take care,
max
Trissa
The first step in ending it is deciding deep down in your gut that you really want it done with tell you do that it will not happen.
If you have had enough pain from him and the pain that cheating on your family has cause you that you really are DONE WITH HIM AND THE AFFAIR then start to close off the lines of communication per usual block his e-mails or if possible better to close the accounts he knows about, if possible have your phone company block calls from all his known phone numbers and calls from what are called unknown numbers, again changing the cell number and not sharing it with anyone who may give it to him would be helpful to you.
Be prepare dthat whne he realizes that your trying to escape his contol and manipulation he will almost certainly come charging back in an attempt to regain control...he will say all the right things that you need to here to change your mind and give him more time ETC ETC... understand that it is pure B/S on his part it is only about sucking you back in again... MANIPULATION IS THE NAME OF THE GAME.
Post here often rather then contact him read many many posts and you will see XMM in so many of the XMM that have been involved with the woman that post here, it will help expose the truth about XMM to you over and over again and will help you to remain steadfast in taking you life back again.
I suggest that you carefully none emotionally look at your own motivations for doing this for 7 years is it really Love or something else...look below seek out articules on the subject they may help you to see things in a different light.
Believe in yourself you can do this if you want it badly enough.
Free
Thank You to all that responded, I have been feeling so alone because there is no one to tell why I feel so miserable. I pretend at home that nothing is wrong and yet I feel like I'm dying inside. It scares me that I will not be strong enough to end things because I've tried so many times and failed.
I need to keep reminding myself of all the times I've given everything I had and received nothing in return from MM. Yet that one or two hours of being together...it's all I've been living for because I want to believe that one day we will really be together. How stupid when we've never even spent an entire night together!
I guess I escape my real life by turning to MM. That little bit of time allows me to forget all the stress at home. Yet each time I see him I always wonder how long it will be before I see him again...maybe a week, maybe a month. This time it's already been two weeks without even a phone call! Why do I continue to allow him to do this?
My husband is a good man and I hate lying to him. I can barely look my kids in the eyes after being with MM because I am not only deceiving my dh but my children as well. I just know I will never feel that desire for my husband that I do for MM. But is that really enough of a reason to end a marriage and disrupt my children's lives?
I'm just so confused and in so much pain...it feels like there is no way out.
thanks again for all your words of encouragement,
Trissa
Trissa:
7 years, on and off, weeks and/or months without communication. You are his Mistress and nothing more to him. (Unless you've left out some details regarding communication without sex being the result, loving concern from him that is sincere, gestures that he gets nothing from but giving to you etc. ).
Still want that job?
The first step in ending this is cut it off, mourn that you were a fool (please...dragging this out further will only make you feel that much more foolish because this isn't love ok?) and getting caught up and making this more than it is. Getting mad at yourself helps but don't let that emotion linger too long. Get to the sadness, THEN get mad again. THEN forgive yourself. Then be grateful you still have your marriage and not all the stress and garbage from having to deal with a crushed husband and children. Ride the wave of GRATEFUlness that you got away unscathed. BE GRATEFUL...that emotion should help you when you are said "whew....i almost screwed my whole life up"is so much better than "OMG I SCREWED MY WHOLE LIFE UP WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW??!!! I HURT MY KIDS OVER SEX FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!"
get out and get grateful girl, ::::::::hugs:::::
Lizzie
<<>>>
There is a way out and you are the only one who can part this ocean of pain. You said it's been 2 weeks since you have heard from him? Well...what better time than now to make it 3, 4, 5 and then forever? Only you can stop the madness. 7 years? My God, going into my 4th year was wakeup time. I completely understand the emotional pain...the waiting for those few stolen hours, the wanting of more, and the never getting it. This is what the essence of an affair is. It's a cyclical addiction that can only be broken with the start of a FIRM decision to end it. Forget about how you are going to feel afterwards. Forget about his feelings. Look beyond these thoughts because as long as you dwell on them, you will remain stagnant and tied to your victim role. He has strung you along all of these years because *YOU* have allowed it. It's time to take that bull by the horns and fight for yourself, your family, and the peace of mind that will return once you cut off your drug dealer and his control over you.
It is not going to be easy. Ending an affair is painful and arduous, but many of us have endured this pain and have succeeded, and so can you. Your gut is telling you that now is the time. You need to stop gambling with your marriage/children because the stakes are just way too high. Try to find that strength within you to do the right thing. We are here to see you through the tough times ahead, but you need to make the decision that today is the day you are done with being manipulated, controlled, and belittled by a man that only wants you as a side dish. You are worth far more than that.
Id
You wrote a post and it contains all the good reasons to stop this. Number one being your kids. Don't do this for a stolen couple hours here and there, when your kids may suffer eventually. If they ever find out or your dh finds out- you may very well have less time with your kids. And I guarantee right now, being involved in the EMA there are lots of times you've not had energy to focus on your kids because the EMA is taking so much of it.
You may very well find a desire for your dh if you let this EMA go and reaquiant yourself with your spouse. Its hard to imagine it when you're in the EMA/and still hanging on to that thread. I know -I've held on to that thread too..and it is gone now. No more threads between me and exMM because I deserve to live my life for my family/and myself without the drama of the EMA always hanging over my head..without the constant push me pull you game he was playing. I was addicted to it, and even when it was "over" I'd hope for him to email again sometime and start things up, and knew he would. And he usually did.
I was a doormat! I let him do this time and time again..he'd profess his love for me and reel me in, and then at some point always- would push me away. It's not healthy to let someone do this to you..and you have kids to concentrate on.
Wow! Brutal honesty is what I wanted, so why does it hurt to read? I came to the board today because I desperately wanted to call MM and beg him to contact me but knew it was the wrong thing to do. Settling for the very little he gives me is so stupid. The responses I've received help me to feel a tiny bit of strength.
I have got to end this...thanks to all who responded, I really appreciate it.
Trissa
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