Please help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Please help...
7
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 12:44pm
Some of you probably remeber my post from Friday (My unhappy ending). Well My OM is online right now and it is taking eveything I have not to contact him. This is the first time he has been online since I sent him an e-mail saying it was over, I could not do this anymore...... I want to e-mail him and tell him I changed my mind but I know I can't. I cant help but hope he weill e-mail me back. I had a good weekend. My mom kept the baby Sat. so my husband and I spent lots of time together. I am so lucky to have hime. He is younger and better looking than OM but that spark is still missing. I am putting effort into this relationship but it is hard when I still think about OM alot. It has been only 3 days since I decided to move on and forget about OM. SO far it has not been easy but nobody said it would be.

A
~*april*~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 1:14pm
April,

HANG IN THERE!

I know what you mean...I changed my screen name, but it is still tempting to add him back to my buddy list and say hello. We work together and he is ALWAYS on at work. We can do this! You've made your decision, now stick to it. You made the call to end things. Not only is that the right choice, but you are fortunate that you left while you were in control. It is much worse when THEY do the ending. Be proud of yourself for your decision and POST AWAY when you get weak.

Think about your baby and husband. You said you are lucky to have H- think about the consequences the affair could have on your marriage if you continue. I know what you mean, though. I love my H to death, but I also am missing that "spark." Unfortunately, the grass is always greener on the other side. That "spark" with OM is because it's a fantasy. You don't have to share a bathroom with OM or see him at his worst. The "spark" is from the chemical component of the addiction. It's endorphins, adrenaline, etc. It will fade with time.

Be strong, Sweetie! We're here for you!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 1:38pm
Aprilelissa, Here are some positive vibes sent your way. I have been there where your at.

My affair was for many years but I decided I wasn't going to do it any longer. The stress had gotten to me. I know its hard I am on 3months NC. I get sad at times but know that this is much better than lieing to myself and every one around us. Take it slowly okay. It takes time and soon you will feel better about your decison. If you care to talk just e-mail me at lifeiskind@yahoo.com oh i was wondering what little town you live in in GA?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:11pm
Thank you both for the encouragement. My Om did send me an e-mail. Some of you may remeber Friday I was upset and decided to end things because OM seemed distant and after I sent him an e-mail he went offline. Well he responded the the e-mail I sent him right before he went offline Friday not the one I sent saying it was over. He ended his e-mail saying he would see me soon. Did he not get the other one??? I know he did but did not acknowledge that I was saying it was over. I don't understand... AS if it is not hard enough to say goodbye he wants to pretend it is not happening. The whole reason I decided to end this was because I was not getting the attention I had in the past from OM. IT was so NOT worth putting my marriage through if he wasn't even going to be there. I did not respond to his e-mail...YET and with the help of this board I won't!!

Thank Again!

A
~*april*~
Avatar for debra1016
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:33pm
Try not to give in - don't write him anymore. I am sure he got the email, he is just not acknowledging it. You said what you had to say to him, and if you told him it's over, then let it be over. I am going through the same thing. I told MM on Friday (on the phone) that this needed to just end (after he told me he needed time to clear his head and he is "not sure" what he wants). It was hard, and I cried the entire time, but I had to let him know that keeping me here hanging just was not fair. He sounded a little upset and said he couldn't talk to me about this, and that I should check my email later. Well, that was Friday - still NO email. I am an idiot for hanging around online all weekend waiting for him to come online. I did chat with him briefly online yesterday and he never responded when I asked him where this email was that he was supposed to send. Instead, he just gave me his usual "I'm sorry I hurt you". You know what, I am trying to turn all of this pain into anger and tell myself that he is just a d*ck and I don't need him. Yeah, I do love him intensly still, and it's hard to even be mad at him, but I have to do whatever it takes to get past this.

You are right, it's not worth the damage this would cause to your marriage - it never is - just look at all of us here as examples.

Just let it lie. No, he didn't answer you, but that in itself says a lot. Let it go, really try to let it go and move on.

Hugs and much support to you. I know you can do this, we all can.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:24pm
It is always so nice to be reminded that there are people going through the same thing I am. It is so hard but you are right we can do this. It is so hard to break the cycle. I am also constantly checking my e-mail or seeing if he is online. I make myself crazy over this. I wish you strength in getting over your MM as well.

A
~*april*~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 4:56pm
April,

Hang in there, you can do this!!!! I used to do the same things as you. I would go to his yahoo profile to see if he was online (after I deleted him from my Buddy list). Just seeing that he was would make me crazy....I would want to talk to him sooo bad. But I never did. It's been 4 months now, and I miss him still, but I don't need him anymore. The things I need are right in front of me. My awesome H and my two beautiful boys. Refocus your engeries. It's harder than H**L. But eventually the feelings get easier to deal with and you miss him less. Fill you life with other things. Your baby and your H first and foremost. I have found I love spending time w/ my H now, more than I had for the last few years. Maybe because I know now what I almost lost. Maybe because he knows I need more from him and now he's giving me what I need. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to. I have great faith that you will succeed. The boards are great for gathering strength.

Wishing you strength--sending Hugs :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 9:00am
Well I did e-mail OM and ask him if he got my e-mail saying it was over. He said he did and that he was trying to decide what to say. He said he was just not into laying low anymore and that I needed to make some decisions about my current situation. He suggested that I need to think about my daughter and what is best for her. I agree but I already told him it was over and now he want to act like he is the one breaking it off which just makes it harder on me! So- I guess this is really it....WE both agree that it needs to be over. I guess somewhere in my heart I thought he would beg and plead for me to continue seeing him. I know he is being mature about this and thinking about my best interest and I should be greatful but I'm not...

As for my H, he has been great. We had the "Divorce talk" a few weeks ago and I told him I was not happy. He has been making a real effort and I guess It is about time that I do too. Thank you everyone for being there. I seriously doubt I could do this without you. I will keep you posted.

A
~*april*~