Please help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2014
Please help...
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 12:52pm
I love my bf, we've stood by each other during trouble for just over 7 years. (I'm 29, he's 31). (My dad passed away in those years, financial trouble, mom in hospital). We started to drift apart. I craved his love and attention, probably unfairly. He couldn't provide what I needed, maybe I needed too much.. I stupidly started an affair 2 years ago...long distance, with the idea that we might meet and hook up a couple times. He became my closest friend, and I was the first person he ever loved. (According to him). I became so infatuated with him. We had so much in common, and so much fun...We've texted each other every single day since we "met" on the web (on a hobby forum), and we webcam and talk on the phone. We met in person once, I went to his city, spent a few nights together. He's told me a few times that it's the best 4 days he ever had in his life. The issue I'm having is that I'm scared of losing him. He's never had a girlfriend, just one fling that lasted a year. (He's 25) He tells me he's not really interested in a relationship with any other girl, and if things were different and we lived in the same country at least, we would be together. I'm so confused. I get excited when I get txts from him or hear his voice, but I love my bf and hate that I'm involved in this and doing this to him. At the same time, I've tried to stop with this guy, but I think I'm addicted to the attention and how he makes me feel. We have webcam sex and phone sex and it's amazing. I don't want to lose him, but I'm scared if I stop the sexual aspect of our relationship and just be friends, like we started out as, I'll just be reminded of how much I love him and want him every time I hear his voice. I'm so confused and hate myself right now. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I hate the idea of hurting anyone else anymore. He's going to be starting full-time work soon, and I'm sure he'll meet a girl, even though he's convinced he's not. (He doesn't have a whole lot of confidence in his looks, even though I think he's cute). I'm scared of being replaced, even though he's assured me that can't happen, since he loves me so much. I feel like I'm being selfish, I want him to be happy with someone, but I can't stand the thought of losing him. I know if he meets someone they'll have this amazing relationship at the beginning like it always is and he'll no longer want anything to do with our escapades, or me for that matter. Please help...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 3:45pm

You just have to enjoy the time you have right now and just be ready when he does move on,because if you like him that much then you will want him to be happy.You  have somebody there there to talk with,laugh with and help you with life situation even thought you are having issues so don't you think he deserves the same when it happens to him.. You will always have the 4 days of memories that cannot be taken away,so be thankful you had those..I wish I could have four days with the woman I like ,It will hurt when he does move on but think of his happiness.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 5:05pm

Hi Sunnday :)

I'm a little confused myself because you are all over the place...but that's normal.  But what do you need help with?  Do you need support 'ending' the affair, because then you've come to the right place...seeing how this is an 'ending an affair support board'.  If, however, you are looking for support in maintaining your affair and keep is attention, then this is not the place for you...and the My Affair Support Board would suit your needs better.

I think you are pretty smart to recognize that you are addicted to his 'attention', which also should tell you that it is the attention and not the man you fear losing.  

If you really want to stop hurting and feeling bad about yourself and want to stop hurting others, you'll just have to stop the behavior that brings up these feelings...and end it.  And believe me when I tell you, it is always better to be the one who ended it...rather than the dumpee.  Because the rejection factor is a huge hurdle to climb.  So, if you think he would eventually find someone else, then you should beat him to the punch.  

And, you will have to approach the ending like the addiction you know it to be...stop all contact...and go through the withdrawals.

Now, I've been on the Boards long enough to have heard everything from both sides...the lies, the b/s..and what your affair partner has said to you is nothing new...and pretty common.

If you two are so much in love, what prevents you both from making it happen?  You are really both free agents.  Sure, you have a boyfriend, but you are not married to him.  The other guy is available.  If people really love each other, they can and will make it work.  No continent could keep them apart, and they will both move mountains to be with each other.


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board