Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Please help!
6
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 1:56pm

MM ended the A with me after almost 11 months being together, because he had guilt trips as to what he was doing behind his W's back.

Needless to say, he breaks off the A with me thru voicemail. Then he leaves me another voicemail 20 minutes later and says "Oh, but I still wanna be your friend and that I will never ignore you because I still wanna talk to you."

Can someone please explain to me why he would say this???? I mean, if we are thru, we are thru, why tell me he still wants to be my friend!? Could that mean a Booty Call just in case his guilt goes away.

Just curious!

Sadgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: sadgirl37
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:11pm

He doesn't want you to hate him and do something crazy! He knows better than to piss us off.

been in your shoes - my posts are scattered all over this board!

Hang in there!
XOXO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sadgirl37
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 3:38pm

Hi Sadgirl,

I know it hurts (check on my posts) but you have the opportunity now to be the strong one. I know it doesnt look like that but see this man for what he is and isn't. He is trying to end it but it too weak to make it stick and doesn't want to be the bad guy. It will be alot easier for you if YOU are the one who says - call me when you are divorced - and walks away, head held high. It will hurt like a b&tch but at least you will feel a sense of control and self esteem. Do not allow him to pingpong back and forth between the wife and you.

Are you single? Personally, I feel it is a collosal waste of time for a single person to be making a married person's life tolerable by adding a little flavor on the side. As a single (divorced) person myself I feel I have the right to do that. Whether or not he is nice to you, your soulmate, etc - see this relationship for what it is - a waste of your time and having tremendous potential for heartbreak. There IS NO happy ending. You think getting him will be a happy ending? Think again.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: sadgirl37
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 7:46pm

sadgirl,

u know what he meant, he just want to have sex whenever he wants it

change you phone number and move on with your life, if u are not married find a single guy

welcome to the board and take care,

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: sadgirl37
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 7:49pm

Hi Ivy,

Thanks for the post. In answer to your question, I am MW. Yes A's are wrong, but obviously both MM and I went into it because we lack something at home.

We made it clear from the beginning that we are not in this to leave our spouses. I would never leave my H and I don't expect MM to leave his W either.

He hurt me bad. We had a good thing going for 11 months. Yes, we had ups and downs, but because of being in an A it makes it 10x harder to control this kind of relationship, especially when feelings are involved.

It just took me by total shock that he so bitterly ended it when last week I saw him twice, had IC with him twice, then I went away on vacation for 5 days, some back to work on Monday, I call him, he didn't pick up, then I left him a message and after several hours still no word from him. By this time I knew something was wrong. I had a really bad feeling about it. Then when I finally got a hold of him, he was VERY cold to me. I asked him if everything was alright and he said yes. Then the next morning he just leaves me a voice mail and ends it. Yes, no break up is happy, I admit that, but I went thru a LOT with this MM. It's too much to even list it here. We even got caught by his W back in January and after 5 days of NC he came back to me. So, he obviously had no guilt at that time, or else why take me back. He could have just left it at that.

He ends it with me now and tells me that he still wants to be my friend even after I felt like a disposable garbage. I read it several times on this board where the MM ends the A, then they still wanna keep a friendship going. Why? Has anyone remained friends with their MM's after the A ended???? Did the friendship remain in hopes for MM that maybe he can have a once in a while Booty Call, or something?

I feel like yes MM wants to end it, yet, he tells me in his vm how he still cares about me, loves me, and wants to be my friend....but why? If he wants to end it, then plain and simple just end it, why make it harder on me and tell me he still wants to talk to me. He was a coward to tell me in person it's over, yet he wants to face me in the near future as a friend.

Anyway. What's done is done. I don't know how strong I will be, haven't stopped crying since Monday and can't stop calling MM. Although he has responded to my calls, by leaving me vm's when he is heading out to work 4 a.m. in the morning, because he knows I won't pick up at that time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: sadgirl37
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 9:26pm

>>"Could that mean a Booty Call just in case his guilt goes away."<

YES, and sorry to say thats what the whole thing was about for him from the word get go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
In reply to: sadgirl37
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 8:46am
I swear it is the men that seem to always have the need to 'remain friends'.MM has 'ended' this twice due to vandalism at his home, yet never implemented NC--I am as guilty in that yes I did answer the phone, yes I did see him.Another episode of vandalism happened on Mon. pm.--amazing--video cameras were installed in their home, the one pm the vehicle not in the driveway & away from the cameras it is hit--a coincidence(not) plus HE admitted to W that we still talk occaisionally (a week prior) to the vandalism while he was out of town. I have been his sounding board so to seak in mnay mnay ways in the last 18 months-he has (says) no desire to talk to his W. as he & I talk in depth, he has this enormous fear I will hate him , dislike him. In the course of a huge argument Tues. pm regarding this vandalism I was told such. I remained furious & defensive yeaterday as well, with sarcasim I did tell him I do not hate-not an emotion I have in me that I am aware of, nor do I dislike him so he could rest assured . He knows I can be VERY hard & shut a person off in a heartbeat-God I wish I could do so now-yet his biggest thing is that we remain friends-he could not bear the thought that our friendship was destroyed as well.Our paths would never cross unless he came to see me,I know we cannot be friends, the depth of my love is to the core--I cannot backpeddle to 'friends only'.I know that TOTAL NC is the required remedy here as all I have gained as of late is heartache and stress over the vandalism at his home. No one on my part knows he & I have spoken in 2 weeks--on his part he claims he admitted we still talk to his W.--go figure--you admit we talk--the vehicle is out of camera range & gets damaged--Oh--& NO ONE viewed the VCR tape as of 10 pm--AMAZING!!!A good friend that is a former Chief of Police said to him it has to be someone that has a 'vested ' interest, not random.Also that in the course of his 30 years it comes to a WOMAN who is usually involved as men would do face to face not this.And he wants to remain 'friends'??? My guess is as soon as his W. feels there is NC between he & I the vandalism will stop.Nothing of mine has been damaged--the former officer told he & I it is due to HIS infuriating someone--someone wants to HURT him as he has hurt THEM, to make him pay in a way for something HE has done. I need this person as a friend--I have to be nuts!