Please HELP, dreading tomorrow.
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| Mon, 01-11-2010 - 11:03pm |
Tomorrow I have a follow up appointment, I am so scared...so so scared. Scared to go, concerned about my health. Scared to walk in the building, the office etc...Last time I was there, I was with exAP. I am horribly saddened by this. I have to go-alone. I am worried about lashing out. Although I know we are both responsible, afterall it takes 2 to make one. But, I have had a rough couple of days, today I am feeling better. But i am just so nervous about tomorrow...and I have to go alone. Not that I would feel better if he were there, he is an a$$ and would be of little to no support.
I feel cheated that he goes about life and I have been erased and I have to deal with this on my own. I know this is a trigger or what have you but I just want to be strong and handle it. I was tempted (wont do) to send him an email. I know it would do no good and stroke his ego, even if i said things that were true...he would still think, she is think about me and I can not let him for a second think that, even tho I am.
I am really struggling. Please help. I need a plan for tomorrow. I am so scared I might lose it and do something stupid. I never wanted to even have the initial appt, felt like i had to to rid exAP of my life, which i have done...but that appt scares me for so many reasons.....
I have been strong and I am proud of my progress. I just do not want a set back...I could say so much more but I am crying and just hoping you all chime in. Should have posted something earlier for east coasters, its late now...west coasters may be around?

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Yep west-siiiiidah on the scene.
Sienna, just a thought. Could you go to another dr. for
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
You will manage because you are stronger and you have made such progress in the last month! I am proud of you and I have faith in you that you can do this on your own. I also think you'll hear good news on your health and this way you won't have to worry about the what ifs.
You don't need xap there. Listen to this Beyonce song, "Me Myself and I" fantastic song, and listen to it before you go, it might help. ;)
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
Sienna,
It's ok. I know you are worried but I also know you will be fine. Even tho you feel like you are going alone, remember that we are there with u in spirit,
(((Seinna)))
No doubt tomorrow will be a tough day.
((Siennsjaden))
Think of all of us being right there by your side. You are going to be fine, especially when you walk back out the door. Life is full of challenges and there will always be something/someone that intimidates us....but only if we let it/them. Head up, shoulders back, and just get it over with. ;-)
(((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
((siennajaden))
youre a strong woman,and this is your chance to show yourself this. Youre not going to say or do anything 'stupid'...youre gonna walk in there handle the sitution and walk out with your head held high...then maybe walk on down to the local ice cream place and get a treat...hehe.
my thoughts and prayers are with you today...and rememeber you have the strength of all of us to borrow right beside ya. Good Luck today!
((((Sienna)))
I wish i was able to post more often...but read you all the time. I hope you survived your check up..its important to stay healthy and i'm proud of you for going.
Hello,
Hi everyone! I am good. I am fine, good news from doctor.I am fine, looks like all is well. Whew!! that was a load off...I went in alone, it was early, no one in waiting room, that was great, no looks and then people look down and act like you are not there. Its like when people are in elevators...etc. Nobody was there, a few people came in as i waited. But i was the first to be seen and everything went very, very quickly and I was out of there. I did it! I did it alone!. So proud of me...
One weak moment, and it was only momentary. As the nurse is looking at my chart, she flips thru all the pages...a pic of exAP and his drivers license is on a piece of paper. she holds it up for a sec and then closes the chart....STUNG for a second to see his face in his drivers license pic...but when she close that chart seconds later, it was symbolic. Its closed, its over, its al over, everything is really over. I cried after I left, but it was more like tears of joy, its all over and physically I am fine and thank God for that...
I have no ties with this being (will not call him a man), I am really free.
I really felt that you all were with me. You support and encouragment was with me the whole way, even that awkward time when you are just sitting there after the nurse and waiting for the doc to come in, I kept thinking about my posts, your posts. My journey....the last almost 6 weeks of NC. I was hurting but I just knew I was going to be fine.
All this time, all this hurt, all this pain, all this suffering....was going to make me better and stronger, face some demons. Not fake my way thru everything...which I have done before. Either that or go into autopilot.
this I have had to face head on, I had a few fleeting impulses to contact exAP. I did. I felt so cheated when i woke up this morning that i had to relive this....but something on this board stood with me.
I think it is from Empowerment....if I am wrong, please forgive me. When I first read it, I was like yeah, that sounds real good....yeah yeah...I was a "new newbie" and just wanted revenge or to hurt exAP back, so bad....
But it read (and I am sure I am messing it up some kind of way)
The Best or the way to get Revenge is getting on with your life and being your best happy healthy self....I know I messed that up, but I am sure you all get the point.
Taking this head on....its the long way, but its the right way. Gotta feel this pain, just gotta go thru it. Gotta plant the seeds and look over the garden daily. Might have some good days and some bad, but I am going to take it head on and see me for me and work thru all of this and take care of me.
I am going to make an appt for a massage and I am going to make me ok, no short cuts.
I thank you all, thank you all so much. Very few people knew about this and you all were are the cyber friends that one can only wish for in real life. Thanks so much.
Please continue to support and encourage me...I will do the same. Promise.
((Siennajaden))
"The best revenge is living well." A few gals have said this and it's a well known quote too. Good for you letting it run through your head.
How do you spell relief? XMM. ;-)
You sailed through this with flying colors and I will speak for everyone until they chime in....WE ARE PROUD OF YOU!
~Iddy~
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