Please Help, feeling so lost (LONG)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Please Help, feeling so lost (LONG)
24
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:39pm

Hello, I have been reading and lurking for some time now, but feel I have to get my story out. Need some advice, help and guidance! I am hurting beyond words, and need some help. First let me say that finding this place and reading stories and responses has been a godsend for me. For that I have to thank the courage of all you posters, it gives me the strength to post my story. And while I know this community is mostly women, I hope you don’t mind me bringing in the MPOV of a difficult A.

The full story would be a long and difficult one to tell (aren’t they all), even for an A that lasted only 10 months, so I will summarize as to get to the healing/helping phase quicker. I will post my whole story later. And sorry, but even the summary is long. Just have to get that out.

--My xAP found me on FB 10 months ago (September 1, 2009), I was living abroad 4000 miles away at the time. We were old friends from school, always with a fondness for each other, but never both available. Had seen each other only once in 15 years since high school, 11 years before at the funeral of a friend. We admitted that we had often thought of each other over the years. She stayed close to home, married, and had 3 children. I married, earned my PhD, and traveled the country and the world.

--Things progressed very quickly into a deep and heavy EA. We both provided for each other things which were seriously lacking in our respective Ms. We professed love very early, and those feelings continued to grow in both of us. She told me I was the “one who got away”, and had come searching for me. Along with the deep EA, we had very explosive sexual chemistry between us. We used written and spoken words to make each other feel things that neither of us had ever felt before. We became each other’s whole lives, talking every day and helping each other through everything. We shared a love of music, movies, literature. We created a fantasy of having a baby together, even gave him a name. I saw him and her in my dreams and thought it was real. This was especially deep EA connection for me, because my W and I cannot have children. I saw her as the perfect mother, and decided I wanted to one else to be the mother of my child. She convinced me I was her soul mate, and I totally believed it too, we were MEANT to be together right!

--I moved back to the US in Feb 2010 for a job on the east coast. Before I took the job I went back to my old town and connected with xAP and the A turned into PA. We spent a whole week together in the wonderful full fog bliss, seeing each other AMAP before I had to leave. After 5 months of intense EA, the PA was even more mind blowing. Everything about her (smell, skin, look, voice, touch) was perfect in to me. We continued to phone & txt every day, all day. I know that we were both feeling guilty, but we buried it with the “need” for each other. I flew back to see her 2 times in May & June. Putting myself up in lavish hotel rooms, buying her things, taking her out to nice restaurants, everything her H had refused to do for her, and she gave me the support and ego boosting I had not received from my W. She would talk endlessly about a life together, and mention stuff like imagining her wedding dress.

--Throughout this time we had dealt with multiple D-days by xAP’s H. The first one happened only 2 months in. He found evidence of the EA on her computer. The second happened just after our first P meeting. He did not know we met, but knew we were still talking. I felt horrible for him, and tried to go NC. It only lasted 1 week before she was saying she could not live without me, and would be more careful. The highs of the A were still just as wonderful, but stress and drama started to ensue. It became impossible for me to contact her first. I was forced to always wait for her to call or txt before we could talk. And she had to start going off limits in the evenings and weekends. This was especially hard for me because I was all alone in a new city (my W had stayed behind with her parents while I went and got ‘set up’).

--June 2010, an emotional rollercoaster ensues. 1st week, she drops the bomb on me that I was not her first A! I was totally devastated. I told her in the beginning how I never thought I would have an affair (don’t we all), and was always a DH to my W. I had told her how scared I was at how amazing she made me feel, and how I was totally falling for her. She had told me she never had done anything like this either. My spirit was crushed! She told me it was after the birth of her 1st child, and it was a strictly sexual A, because her husband would not have sex with her for 2 years. It was with a co-worker, and she used it to get out of the workplace while taking a settlement. I tried to go NC again. Over the next 2 days she sent me many txts, saying she was sorry, using powerful song lyrics, saying she would die without me, begging me not to let go, telling me how badly she wanted to have my son. This was the first time I found EAS, and started reading hoping to find advice on how to end the A, while also looking at MAS because I really did miss xAP so dearly. Well I let her back in, and we started again like nothing had happened. She told me how sorry she was and wished that she could be ‘pure’ for me. 2nd week of June, another D-day by her H. He asked if she was still talking to me and she said yes, as friends. He left me a message saying “she’s all yours”. I felt horrible, but determined to do anything I could to help her, and take care of her. Well, she begged him to stay, not wanting to lose him or break up the family. He forbid her to talk to me, yet the next morning she called me! And I let her back in again. She said the same old, cant live without you stuff, begged me again not to let go. She wanted to come see me, so we made a plan and I bought her a plane ticket for her to come. We talked her whole time to the airport and onto the plane, then she hung up. She ended up getting off the plane and not coming. She did not let me know until 5 hours later as I was waiting at the airport to get her she sent an im sorry txt. My mind was melted! I wanted to die. Not only cause she did not come, but because she left me wondering for so long! I again returned to these boards hoping to find strength. It almost worked, but then she called, I answered, we had makeup phone sex, and I was right back in it.
--1 week later was set to return to the state, spend time for the 4th of july on the lake with my parents, and pick up my W and all my belongs to move to the new city. I flew back 2 days early, telling no one but my xAP, so that we could be together. We had 1 wonderful day together, shopping and eating, and being together. The next day she called and said H had found something on her phone, but still wanted to see me! She had her kids, but I offered to pay for them to go to the beach. I met them there, and just sat back and watched. I gave her money to get them ice-cream. And when I had to leave, she followed me to the car to give me a goodbye kiss, and say thank you. She told me she would “figure something out” and get ahold of me, but to enjoy my weekend at the lake. That was July 1, 2010.

--I did not hear from her again. Not wanting to cause any trouble, and unsure what she was dealing with back home I gave her space and did not contact her. 3 weeks went by, I heard nothing. I was devastated every day wondering what happened. I thought of her all the time, and could not get her out of my head. I was wondering if she was hurting as much as me, or if she had moved on. My DW could tell something was wrong, but I played it off as financial trouble due to the move. Then last Sunday, xAP called and said “I am calling to say I am sorry and goodbye”. She told me that I was always a mistake, and she never meant any of the things she said to me, ie soul mates; cant live without me, etc. She said “You were just a safe place for me to go when I was lonely”. Guess that means she was lonely all the time!

--So now here I am, trying to put back together the pieces of my life. I still think of xAP every night, and first thing in the morning, and pretty much most of the day. My work is suffering because I cannot concentrate. I don’t want to even get out of bed in the morning. I am trying to work on reconnection with my DW, but just feel so far away and unable to connect with anything. I am reading a lot, and trying to get strong in being able to let go of what I know in my heart was WRONG! But I miss the wonderful feelings I got from xAP, so so much. I miss her telling me how much she loves me, even though now I know it was really all a lie. I lie and wonder if this is easy for her. She decided to dedicate her life back to her H and her family, and has them to distract her. I always wonder if she even thinks of me, or ever really cared for me. I know it doesn’t matter and I have other things to concentrate on. I want to hate her but cant. I know that I am just as responsible for this hurt as xAP, and I am not trying to vilify her through this explanation. I guess it just really hurts because I was ready to give up everything, my W, my life, and everything I worked for to go be with xAP, and in the end I was just a game, a distraction for her. How can other people use someone that way?

I am being respectful for her request for NC, and have not contacted her. If she really wants to move on and heal from this I do not want to set her back. I am so worried that she hates me, for keeping the A going even after D-day. I also want to move on and heal from this, I am just having trouble figuring out how. I have read that often attempts at NC often fail. Knowing this is her first attempt, I want to protect myself in case she does break NC. I still look at her FB page, and still read old txt from her. Cant stop and its driving me crazy. I miss her so much, and really did care so much for her, and loved her so deeply. How can I do this? Ok I will stop there for now, please help, I feel like I am going insane!

Thanks for any/all advice--MMlostinfog

I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 3:16pm
I am so sorry for this... it sounds just awful. It is much less common to hear of a woman not being able to follow through on promises made... Let me ask you this, were you planning on leaving your wife? AS far as she telling you that she didn't mean anything of what she had said, I'd say that's unlikely. You should consider the possibility she said those things for the benefit of her husband (perhaps he was listening as she made the call). This is not to encourage or say that the affair was right by any means, but I find it hard to believe after all that you have described that you don't mean anything to her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:18pm

Restless,
Thank you for your response. It was not easy to come here from the 'other side' :) Yes I know, this A is basically a complete roll reversal from the typical story. My xAP was the one who was lacking sex from her H, and went searching for it elsewhere. I was missing emotional support from my W and found it in a OW. Whenever there was any tension with xAP, all I had to do was make her feel sexy and wanted (which she very much was to me), and she would respond and everything would be fine.

I know that is part of the healing process of all this right? To not even care what xAP thinks, or if they meant any of it. That is what I am trying to tell myself, but to believe that makes me feel so used.

As for was I going to leave my W, at the point when xAP's H said "She's all yours", yes I would have. At that point I was so into the A, that I could see nothing else. I thought my duty was to protect and take care of her, rather than my DW who I had vows to do so with. This to makes me sick, and I have trouble seeing myself as a good person anymore.
My W and I had been apart for 2 months while I moved to the new city to set up, and during that time the A intensified dramatically. It also meant xAP could contact me at any time. And she did, 3am, 5am, 11pm, whenever she felt the need to be 'pumped up' she could call and know I would be available cause my W was not around. On the other hand, even when I was most down and needed her,I could not contact xAP in fear of another d-day.

I also realize that I was very careful, and scared for my W to find out. I am now struggling with how to move forward and work on fixing the problems in my M that led me to have the A in the first place. But I am racked with guilt every day, and worried if I tell her she will leave. I know now that I never wanted that. Makes me sound like a cake eater I know. At the same time I am still so sad and devastated over the loss of xAP. Reading here is helping me to take responsibility for my actions, and know that I NEVER want to become involved with xAP again. But there are so many triggers, seems almost everything is a trigger, and I will never be able to stand up straight again, love again, feel anything again. Sorry to be so down, just really struggling right now. But thanks again for your response. It makes me really think about how I would have acted, and where it would have gotten me.

I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:18pm

Welcome, MM!


First of all, I am sorry you are hurting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:31pm

I'm with restless, there is a good chance her husband was sitting there and made her say those things. BUT - you still need to realize that also means she is doing what she has to to save her family. You won't feel anything toward your wife for a while, you'll have to fake it till you make it on that one. That is very common to not feel anything for your spouse after an A. It was certainly intense, which is why even though it was only 10 months, it will take you a long time to feel yourself again. I feel for you, this sounds like it has been excruciatingly painful - but STAY AROUND! Read the wisdon and insights thread - and the stages of grief and recovery post in the healing library.


Good luck!! You will feel much better in a few weeks, but you may feel pretty lousy for a while.


(((HUGS)))


LFT

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:43pm
So sorry for the pain you are feeling. I will probably agree with other posters on what they said about her H being present during that phone conversation..BUT... She did not have to fall through with it. I am really struggling with reality vs. Fantasy here myself. If and I say IF she thought you were her soulmate dont you think she would have declared her love for you to husband? He even said "here have her" she begged him to stay. She obviously wants her family together and she wants you on the side. You on the other hand are willing to give it all up for her. This push pull game is sooooo very exhausting and I really think it is time to just walk away. It is hard as I just recently had fallen flat on my face only to hurt more so than EVER! This will not be easy but you are NOT a toy and she is toying with your emotions. I hope you stick around and we will help you and support you where we can for you to heal. take care of yourself and be strong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:44pm

CSN,
Wow! Thank you for the welcome and your words. The support of this place, and how you help each other, had brought me to tears while being a lurker, and your response did it again. Hearing that you felt the same way is exactly why I decided to finally post today. I guess its the human condition to want to know we are not alone.

Wow 3 years! This 10 months was so intense (and with low amounts of PC), that I can't imagine the hurt of such a long affair. Although a week ago I would have wished to be able to have xAP for that long. NOT ANY MORE! I have read the NC=no new hurt many times already, and have been feeding myself with it. I certainly do not want any new hurt, as all of the old hurts are already so hard to deal with, and hard to put out of my mind.

I hear you on validation/closure and know that one of the biggest parts of the healing will be to try and overcome that need. In the end why should we care what xAP thinks right?

Thank you for your offer of keeping me in your thoughts, I am committed to ending the affair, and came here for help and guidance with the pain. It has already started, and I can only hope it keeps getting better.

Can I ask you a question. You are 7 months out (seems so far away for me right now). Have you been able to reconnect with your H? Or has the fantasy of the life with xAP kept you from that. This is one of my biggest worries right now, I am so lost in the fog of the A, that I am having trouble reconnecting with my M. This has nothing to do with anything my W is doing, but I cant stop my mind (and heart) from comparing her smell, touch, voice, ect to that of my xAP. Did your H ever find out? I mean did you tell him once you ended the A?

Thanks again so much. I will stay here and stay active, I have to it is the only way I see for getting through this. Hope you are well.

MMLIF

I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:50pm

MMLITF,


First off, welcome to our community. Secondly, there is another man that posts here and perhaps the two of you could find a way to email one another off of the board. His moniker is "Ratherbeme" and although I don't believe he ever told his story, he has been working very hard at getting over his XAP.


With that said, I am so sorry you are in such pain. It sounds like you love her very much but I have to throw in there, you love the person you thought she was, not the one she really is. You see, affairs allow APs to put their best foot forward, wear many hats, play many parts, and dance to many tunes. What's really "real" in all of this is usually never uncovered, and the struggle we have in ending an affair is trying to figure out what actually was real. You will come to learn this:


Affairs are all about ego feeding and exchanging feel goods.


Affairs are built on a foundation of lies and fueled by deceipt.


Affairs hurt innocent people because our own selfishness explodes to the point that we don't even recognize ourselves anymore.


Affairs have all the makings of what real love would feel like, but aren't anything about real love. We are compromising our scruples and those of the AP. This is not love.


Affairs have an expirtion date on them and always end one way or another.


Affairs wreck havoc on our emotional health and physical well being. Slowly they drain all of our good parts and leave us feeling like empty shells. Why? Because we pour so much energy into hopes and promises that never take root.


Well, I could go on and on, and I know you may not be ready to digest anything I just wrote, but I wanted to prep you for the reality that will start seeping in the more you distance yourself from your AP. Sadly, it sounds like she got so caught up in the fantasy that she totally got lost in it.


I would suggest you keep reading here, make a cyber buddy to write to off of the board, and start learning how NC will save you from further emotional destruction. NC is not a punishment, but a tool that will eventually give you back your dignity and integrity.


(((Hugs)))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 5:02pm

LFT,
Thanks for the hugs and words of support. I am not sure that her H was listening or not, but I do know she was saying those things to make it easier for her.

I do realize she is doing what she needs to to save her family, which is why, as painful as it is, that after basically 4 weeks of very sudden NC I never tried to initiate contact, or go fishing. Believe me that reading these boards was a big help in keeping me strong enough not to do that. I also think it is that I really do care for her so much, that I am willing to step aside and let her do what she needs to to save her family (I am really trying hard not to be the atypical creepy male xAP here). At the same time I am trying to strengthen and heal myself so that if she does come running back (cause something in her life has her down), I will be protected from being hurt again. My problem is letting go of the old memories.

I spent all day yesterday reading the wisdom and insight thread, in tears for most of it (yes I guess I am a sappy male), and it is what gave me strength to stop lurking and become an active part of this community. Thank you for welcoming me, and being willing to be a part of my healing process.

MMLIF

I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 5:21pm

I have not had a D-day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 5:41pm

Hello MM,

((HUGS)

The other posters have offered you incredible support and advice: I am so proud of the women & men on this board. I am proud of our community and the way we support one another.

I am so happy that you have reached your hand out to us, and that in spite of the pain and fear of your A ending, you are committed to making a better future for yourself. We are in this together. We don't abandon one another when in pain. This is a place of healing, being accountable and paying it forward.

So, welcome to our community (-;

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

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