Please Help, feeling so lost (LONG)
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| Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:39pm |
Hello, I have been reading and lurking for some time now, but feel I have to get my story out. Need some advice, help and guidance! I am hurting beyond words, and need some help. First let me say that finding this place and reading stories and responses has been a godsend for me. For that I have to thank the courage of all you posters, it gives me the strength to post my story. And while I know this community is mostly women, I hope you don’t mind me bringing in the MPOV of a difficult A.
The full story would be a long and difficult one to tell (aren’t they all), even for an A that lasted only 10 months, so I will summarize as to get to the healing/helping phase quicker. I will post my whole story later. And sorry, but even the summary is long. Just have to get that out.
--My xAP found me on FB 10 months ago (September 1, 2009), I was living abroad 4000 miles away at the time. We were old friends from school, always with a fondness for each other, but never both available. Had seen each other only once in 15 years since high school, 11 years before at the funeral of a friend. We admitted that we had often thought of each other over the years. She stayed close to home, married, and had 3 children. I married, earned my PhD, and traveled the country and the world.
--Things progressed very quickly into a deep and heavy EA. We both provided for each other things which were seriously lacking in our respective Ms. We professed love very early, and those feelings continued to grow in both of us. She told me I was the “one who got away”, and had come searching for me. Along with the deep EA, we had very explosive sexual chemistry between us. We used written and spoken words to make each other feel things that neither of us had ever felt before. We became each other’s whole lives, talking every day and helping each other through everything. We shared a love of music, movies, literature. We created a fantasy of having a baby together, even gave him a name. I saw him and her in my dreams and thought it was real. This was especially deep EA connection for me, because my W and I cannot have children. I saw her as the perfect mother, and decided I wanted to one else to be the mother of my child. She convinced me I was her soul mate, and I totally believed it too, we were MEANT to be together right!
--I moved back to the US in Feb 2010 for a job on the east coast. Before I took the job I went back to my old town and connected with xAP and the A turned into PA. We spent a whole week together in the wonderful full fog bliss, seeing each other AMAP before I had to leave. After 5 months of intense EA, the PA was even more mind blowing. Everything about her (smell, skin, look, voice, touch) was perfect in to me. We continued to phone & txt every day, all day. I know that we were both feeling guilty, but we buried it with the “need” for each other. I flew back to see her 2 times in May & June. Putting myself up in lavish hotel rooms, buying her things, taking her out to nice restaurants, everything her H had refused to do for her, and she gave me the support and ego boosting I had not received from my W. She would talk endlessly about a life together, and mention stuff like imagining her wedding dress.
--Throughout this time we had dealt with multiple D-days by xAP’s H. The first one happened only 2 months in. He found evidence of the EA on her computer. The second happened just after our first P meeting. He did not know we met, but knew we were still talking. I felt horrible for him, and tried to go NC. It only lasted 1 week before she was saying she could not live without me, and would be more careful. The highs of the A were still just as wonderful, but stress and drama started to ensue. It became impossible for me to contact her first. I was forced to always wait for her to call or txt before we could talk. And she had to start going off limits in the evenings and weekends. This was especially hard for me because I was all alone in a new city (my W had stayed behind with her parents while I went and got ‘set up’).
--June 2010, an emotional rollercoaster ensues. 1st week, she drops the bomb on me that I was not her first A! I was totally devastated. I told her in the beginning how I never thought I would have an affair (don’t we all), and was always a DH to my W. I had told her how scared I was at how amazing she made me feel, and how I was totally falling for her. She had told me she never had done anything like this either. My spirit was crushed! She told me it was after the birth of her 1st child, and it was a strictly sexual A, because her husband would not have sex with her for 2 years. It was with a co-worker, and she used it to get out of the workplace while taking a settlement. I tried to go NC again. Over the next 2 days she sent me many txts, saying she was sorry, using powerful song lyrics, saying she would die without me, begging me not to let go, telling me how badly she wanted to have my son. This was the first time I found EAS, and started reading hoping to find advice on how to end the A, while also looking at MAS because I really did miss xAP so dearly. Well I let her back in, and we started again like nothing had happened. She told me how sorry she was and wished that she could be ‘pure’ for me. 2nd week of June, another D-day by her H. He asked if she was still talking to me and she said yes, as friends. He left me a message saying “she’s all yours”. I felt horrible, but determined to do anything I could to help her, and take care of her. Well, she begged him to stay, not wanting to lose him or break up the family. He forbid her to talk to me, yet the next morning she called me! And I let her back in again. She said the same old, cant live without you stuff, begged me again not to let go. She wanted to come see me, so we made a plan and I bought her a plane ticket for her to come. We talked her whole time to the airport and onto the plane, then she hung up. She ended up getting off the plane and not coming. She did not let me know until 5 hours later as I was waiting at the airport to get her she sent an im sorry txt. My mind was melted! I wanted to die. Not only cause she did not come, but because she left me wondering for so long! I again returned to these boards hoping to find strength. It almost worked, but then she called, I answered, we had makeup phone sex, and I was right back in it.
--1 week later was set to return to the state, spend time for the 4th of july on the lake with my parents, and pick up my W and all my belongs to move to the new city. I flew back 2 days early, telling no one but my xAP, so that we could be together. We had 1 wonderful day together, shopping and eating, and being together. The next day she called and said H had found something on her phone, but still wanted to see me! She had her kids, but I offered to pay for them to go to the beach. I met them there, and just sat back and watched. I gave her money to get them ice-cream. And when I had to leave, she followed me to the car to give me a goodbye kiss, and say thank you. She told me she would “figure something out” and get ahold of me, but to enjoy my weekend at the lake. That was July 1, 2010.
--I did not hear from her again. Not wanting to cause any trouble, and unsure what she was dealing with back home I gave her space and did not contact her. 3 weeks went by, I heard nothing. I was devastated every day wondering what happened. I thought of her all the time, and could not get her out of my head. I was wondering if she was hurting as much as me, or if she had moved on. My DW could tell something was wrong, but I played it off as financial trouble due to the move. Then last Sunday, xAP called and said “I am calling to say I am sorry and goodbye”. She told me that I was always a mistake, and she never meant any of the things she said to me, ie soul mates; cant live without me, etc. She said “You were just a safe place for me to go when I was lonely”. Guess that means she was lonely all the time!
--So now here I am, trying to put back together the pieces of my life. I still think of xAP every night, and first thing in the morning, and pretty much most of the day. My work is suffering because I cannot concentrate. I don’t want to even get out of bed in the morning. I am trying to work on reconnection with my DW, but just feel so far away and unable to connect with anything. I am reading a lot, and trying to get strong in being able to let go of what I know in my heart was WRONG! But I miss the wonderful feelings I got from xAP, so so much. I miss her telling me how much she loves me, even though now I know it was really all a lie. I lie and wonder if this is easy for her. She decided to dedicate her life back to her H and her family, and has them to distract her. I always wonder if she even thinks of me, or ever really cared for me. I know it doesn’t matter and I have other things to concentrate on. I want to hate her but cant. I know that I am just as responsible for this hurt as xAP, and I am not trying to vilify her through this explanation. I guess it just really hurts because I was ready to give up everything, my W, my life, and everything I worked for to go be with xAP, and in the end I was just a game, a distraction for her. How can other people use someone that way?
I am being respectful for her request for NC, and have not contacted her. If she really wants to move on and heal from this I do not want to set her back. I am so worried that she hates me, for keeping the A going even after D-day. I also want to move on and heal from this, I am just having trouble figuring out how. I have read that often attempts at NC often fail. Knowing this is her first attempt, I want to protect myself in case she does break NC. I still look at her FB page, and still read old txt from her. Cant stop and its driving me crazy. I miss her so much, and really did care so much for her, and loved her so deeply. How can I do this? Ok I will stop there for now, please help, I feel like I am going insane!
Thanks for any/all advice--MMlostinfog

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LLL,
What can I say, Thank you so much! You are right I am not a TOY. I am, and have always been, a very kind, caring, emotional and wonderful human being. I know now that I made a mistake, and let myself go into a fantasy that was destined to only hurt innocent people (like my W and xAP's H). Forgiving myself, and believing in myself again will be a long process, I am so thankful I found EAS to help me.
I am sorry that you had recently 'fallen flat on your face'. I hope that when you got up, you did so a stronger and wiser person. I will be thinking of you and hoping so.
Thanks again.
MMLIF
Iddy,
Thank you for your welcome, and all your dedication to this board. I have been reading so much and know you have so much to offer those who come here for support.
Wow. I know you are right, which in some way makes it worse right now. Taking the xAP off the pedestal is one of the most difficult parts right. I mean who wants to think that we risked all of this for that person they really are.
I do appreciate your comments, and while I may not be ready to digest all of the things you mentioned, I am surely trying to own as much of it as I can right now while the pain is so fresh.
And I agree that NC is not a punishment, although I felt that way for the first few weeks of this hell I am going through. The reason I have been so diligent in not contacting xAP, both before and after the one "its over" phone call is because of the respect I have for NC from reading here. I now look at this as a gift! as I said in my post, I always had to wait to hear from her. This time I was waiting and waiting and waiting. Now im done waiting, enough is enough. I hope she can go on to fix her M, and live happy. I honestly feel I always wanted to make her happy, she just kept telling me that she needed me for that (direct quote).
Anyway thanks again. One last thing. you mentioned both at the beginning and end of your response about finding someone to talk with off the board (the other male voice). is that because you dont think I have a place here?
I have to say I have read alot of your story, and cant imagine how hard it would be to be in your situation and having to continue to work with xAP. Stay strong and keep up the good work.
best
MMLIF
I am as 'happy' as one can be to be welcomed into a community like this one. This place has helped me alot the last few days, and know it will lots more in the future. I can only hope that through my time and healing I will have lots to pay forward. Right now I feel I am too new, and the pain is to fresh to offer much to anyone.
Best
MMLIF
MM -
I just want to echo what everyone has said, and welcome you too. You have a lot to read and process. I spent the first few weeks literally reading and rereading everything I could. I printed the posts that spoke to me and made a folder that I carry around. I'm single though, be careful what you print.
I'm very certain Iddy didn't mean that you don't have a place here - you absolutely do. She meant that some of us connect with certain people - similar stories, or personalities and we can email each other directly if the person has that option checked in their profile. Sometimes it's nice to have a one on one conversation instead of posting to everyone.
"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."
My favorite quote right now :) We're all here for you -
Bodhi
CSN,
Thank you for your insight and honest answer. This more than anything gives me hope. I too feel like my M would end and my W would be destroyed if she found out. But I am having trouble trying to understand how I could move forward with W filled with such guilt. I have a terrible feeling that I will never be able to reconnect. You have done so much to help ease that feeling. I know it will take lots of time, and I have to fully heal and recover from my addiction of my A before I can rekindle my love for my DW.
I am happy that your third try was the one that worked! GREAT JOB!!! I know this is my first full attempt, and the first attempt of my xAP at NC. I will make this one stick, and even if she breaks NC I will not engage. I have to get my life back. It started a few days ago by reading lots here, and took a big step by getting the courage to post here, and get wonderful support.
Best
MMLIF
Just so you know ... you have no idea how much new Enders stories help all of us to keep moving forward: New enders benefit from the wisdom and strength of the tweeners & vets, and we in return benefit from remembering that initial pain (scares the crap outta me - ain't never going back!) and gives us an opportunity to write the messages that we too are often in need of reminding.
You're contributing already (-:
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Mmlost,
Welcome to EAS. You are now in a place where we can all relate to the pain that you are experienceing. It is an all consuming pain but it does get better. You have already received some excellent advice and can start to wrap your mind around what has transpired between you and xap.
I am also M, no dday but xap had one and like you, our A continued on afterwards. Once the dday arrived the nature of the A changed instantly. It was like everything suddenly became magnified and the tension became unbearable. In short, I was playing for keeps and didn't want to let go even though I knew a life with him would be complicated.
As for returning to your M, it takes time my friend and a lot if it. But heal yourself first!!! Like you were already told, fake it If you have to with your W. Maybe gently tell her that you know you have been distant and thank her for her patience. She knows something is up, she has seen some changes but can't quite put her finger on it. You may not be ready to fully engage with her and that's OK. That will come in time. Some things that might help you remember why you married her.......take some time, just you alone, and look through your old pictures. Think back about all the little things that the 2 of you have shared, inside jokes, special music. Think back on how have been there for one another during bad times. Bottom line here is....you have a valuable history here with your W. That isn't created in 10 months, that takes years to perfect. Its your wife that knows your quirks, your pet peeves and compensates accordingly. That is a dance you choreograph over time. Again, not just in 10 months.
That reconnection is there, its just buried underneath the pain and fog from your affair. Once the fog rolls out, its easier to be fully engaged and present in your real life.
So be patient with yourself, cut yourself some slack. Be thankful you dodged the dday bullet and were also able to see your xaps true colors, not who she wanted you to see.
Stay strong. The cyber eas buddy is a priceless help. If you connect with someone's story on here, email them through their profile. The men and women on here are amazing. ....as you have already seen.
GMLB
MM,
<>
No, not at all. You belong here as long as you want to be here.
~Iddy~
Hi MMLIF
Love your moniker....
Welcome to EAS, i am glad you chose to post.... I wonder whether we posters are the tip of the ice berg and how many more lurkers are out there compared to posters,.... we are the brave ones prepared to put our stories out there to help and support each other... good on you for sharing - keep focussed on you.
... my last few days i have not been in a good place to really offer help and support ( too raw , too new)....but as TU said even bad posts/emotions help to highlight where others have been and how far they have come...
NC x
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