Please help - I want to call xMM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Please help - I want to call xMM
7
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 7:03pm
I have tried and tried to find things to keep me busy - I wrote an empowering post to Posie but she did not respond..........and I am discuraged........I dont feel so strong anymore and I keep wanting to leave him a voice mail...
Please help...I dont want to be weak....
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 7:14pm

Hiya Anna,

I'm actually doing last minute preparations before flying to the USA on Friday for a Thanksgiving vacation. It's the one time a year my family get to spend any time with my daughter, so I'm really looking forward to it. I'll be back sometime in early December.

What do you think you would accomplish by phoning exMM?

Who would it help?

Who would it hurt?

Who might it harm?

Does any possible benefit outweigh the possible detriments?

If you can put others' needs before your own, you're halfway there.

You really will let go of him when you're ready and not a minute before.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 8:01pm

Hi Anna,


Your message here made me wonder about something regarding our A's.


How many of us do you suppose get into these relationships because we want so badly to be listened to and heard?


I know for me the fact that my husband was so into his work/games/life I felt very lonely back when my A started. I also think that as women, we tend to be very social, and need that interaction in a way that men don't really relate to, or understand. (remember to them intimacy is sex, to us it is communication)


Which makes me wonder how many of us would do well to cultivate relationships with other women who we can be open and honest with on a regular basis. Preferably in our real(rather then virtual)lives.


If you need a reason to stay away from OM right now you might read Daf's posts. I think many of us can take pause reading what she is going through.


Anyway thanks for making me think.


*hugs*


Someday


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:48am

someday,

I agree with what you said about us women feeling lonely with our H's. I realized a while back that we don't really 'talk' anymore. I think that I needed more 'attention/affection' than my H was giving me.

Now the challenge for me is to figure out how to get it from him. My T said that reinforcement of desired behavior is really what works. And I need to tell him how it makes me feel I think so that he will better understand.

My best friend lives in FL and I am in MI so it makes it pretty difficult but we do em each other almost everyday. I would love to find more female friends to do things with but it's very difficult as we get older (at least for me it is).

I guess that the attention I received from the A was filling that void for me.

I'm trying my hardest to stay away from XMM - but I still get those thoughts and I do miss him at times.

Have you been able to shake the lonely feelings?


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 11:02am

I agree w/ both Someday and IV. My H is very introverted (sp?). He has a very high postion w/ his company which comes with alot of stress. Sometimes something will happen at work that he won't talk to me about until weeks later. He says he needs time to 'process it and deal with it'. Isn't that what I am here to help you with??? One time a friend of mine called to tell us she had had her baby. She spoke w/ my H (I wasn't home). A few weeks later she called back because she hadn't heard from me. Whne I asked H why he didn't tell me she had called, he said he forgot! You forgot our friend had a baby???

My point is, my xOM and I could talk for HOURS - about nothing, about everything, it didn't matter. I definitley think that was an attractive feature to him. We would email constantly through out the day too - something H can't very well do.

It's learning to compromise on these issues that will help our M's. H will never be able to email me 100+ times a day, but he now knows how important communication is to me and makes the effort to call me at least once during his work day.

There are still times I miss the fun email conversations w/ xOM - but I try to think about the not so fun times which usually brings me back down to earth!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 1:27pm

You know Wkngwm this is one of the realizations I have come to in therapy and it is what Someday said, the friends, the communication that women need. Please try to find that communication with your H, I am sure you have seen my posts and what is going on with me. Communication is one of the big issues we still have and it is becoming painfully clear that men in general have a very different view on sharing their feelings vs how we do it.

I agree as we get older it is harder to find close friends and again that has been one of my problems and one reason I turned to xOM (safe, comfortable since we were friends in HS, one friend that was mine and not a "couples" friend). These are not easy things to learn about ourselves, but please try with your H, you do not want to end up in the same predictiment that I am in now. I will be thinking about you and sending you my best wishes.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 1:58pm

Join the crowd annakarena. I recently said the "Goodbye," to my LOverybOy last Friday the 12th. If you read my post it explains it all. Yeah, I do believe it ended well, because I got to give him a last kiss, goodbye- LOL, But let me tell ya, when this friday comes, temptation will hit me harder then what it has.
I'm feeling like, I should just> one more time seal my lips with his. Yeah, it's pretty bizzare and keeping my mind in the BUSY stage, is not working well as I had thought.

Anyways, I feel the same way you do. I just want get in touch with him someway or another. I was hoping to maybe, I bump into him. oops, I did again kinda thing, LOL. I know I should make a joke, but I been so stress lately some humor has to come out of this!

Feel to to write to me, maybe we can go through this together, in other wards stop one another from the flame that comes our other..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 2:31pm

diva,

So how did your husband come to the realization that communication is very important to you? My T told me that marriage counseling does not work with only one person (me) - my H told me he would not go - then he changed his mind and said Ok, I will go but if it ends up being 'my fault' then I'm divorcing you. Some incentive, huh? As you can guess I was crying during that conversation.

I think I avoid the conversations because he does not like to discuss these kind of things. He thinks I'm selfish or whatever - for wanting more out of him. Hope that makes sense. But to me it's my life and I don't want to have regrets.

I am fairly certain that we can make things better but it's awfully hard to do by yourself. When my H never asks for anything of me. He thinks things are 'fine'. As he sits on the couch every night watching TV and I am wanting more from him.

If anyone has tips I am all ears! I did buy a book the other day that had some tips in it. And I did book a trip for just the two of us (something he would never do - he is happy to just hang out at the local bar w/me). Sorry for ranting but I think this is my sore spot.