Please help-I'm a mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Please help-I'm a mess
6
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 12:23pm
I initiated NC myself over a week ago & was doing great. He e-mailed, as I knew he would & I handled that beautifully too. Polite but distant, making it clear that I still wanted NC. Then, I don't know what happened-I started feeling sorry for him, invented an excuse to im him & it all went downhill from there. After a series of disasterous conversations back & forth, he turned it around that he wanted the time off, which I then said had to be permanent, which I know in my heart is the best thing and has to be. Still, I'm a mess, my emotions are all over the place. I thought I was handling it all so well, so rational and clear headed and determined to succeed. But now that I've actually set it in motion for real, I'm an emotional mess. I know this is the best thing, the only thing really. I couldn't stand living this lie anymore, hurting and short-changing everyone around me & carrying this awful secret. I don't think I will ever go back again & I guess that's why I'm a wreck-time to face the real end. Boy, do I ever need support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 1:16pm

<>

Replace "I don't think I will ever go back" with "I will not EVER go back again". Until you believe that you won't, you will always be susceptible to feel sorry for him if he reaches out to you sometime again. What you have is that out-stretched arm with the distance between you two getting farther, but when you feel the distance getting TOO far out of reach, one or both of you reach out again.

Me and XMM did this for about 18 months, when we got too far apart, we couldn't bear the separation and him or I, or both, made excuses to reach back out again. I got to the point where I BELIEVED in my heart that it was over, too much had changed, and I finally put my arm down and didn't reach out again. It's been 6 months, and even though it's been over, he still managed to hurt me again because of his selfishness, and I know this time, not "think", but "know", that it could never be the same again, and I'm not willing to settle for less anymore.

YOU have to believe it though, you still sound vulnerable..and if I can hear it, so can he. Be the strong one, don't give that power to him,.. it makes you get through this easier than if he's the one calling all the shots.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 1:35pm
Yes, you're right. I was the one calling the shots until he manipulated that situation around on me again. The funny thing is, if I look at it honestly, I'm not giving up very much. There was very, very little legitimate feel-good to it and far more bad emotions, so you'd think it wouldn't be so hard. Maybe it's something to do with facing reality, knowing you're coming out of your little fantasy world and facing the real one. This is hitting me like a ton of bricks though. I guess I'll try to face it as much as I can, at least as long as no one is around to see it. The secerecy of it is so tough too, you can't even grieve openly or tell anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 1:46pm

No one you tell could understand anyway, unless you've been where we are. You have to live through it to grasp just how difficult it is to let go, when you shared so much with that person. The hard part is filling in the time left vacant by ending the A. That's still a challenge for me. I see him sign online (because I haven't been able to delete his screenname quite yet) while I'm under a screenname he doesn't have and I think 'maybe I just switch over and say hello', but I don't..not anymore. That doesn't mean I'm over him or the A yet..but like I said, it's about accepting and believing its done. There was too much pain for you and I while in the A, so why put ourselves back into it again? Just because we miss him? That's not a good enough reason.

It's been a process so I don't expect anyone to be able to just slam the door shut without peeking out through that crack we all leave open. But eventually, you WILL close that door ALL THE WAY so that there's no more room for him to pry it back open.

So in the meantime, come here, and talk to us. We're all here to help each other get through the rough spots.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 1:59pm
Thank you. I'm just trying to say to myself that deep down, I'm a good person & a worthwhile person who deserves more than the bits and pieces he was able to give me. I also know that my H. wasn't giving me enough and that's why I got in it in the first place. I know after some time, I'll have to go back & work on my marriage and see if we can make it complete, so that I don't feel I have to pull in another person to fill in the gaps. It's funny, I never, ever seriously considered ending my marriage-not only that but god, forbid anything ever happened to my H., I don't think I'd even consider OM. So why, why am I grieving like this? Does it really matter that I feel like he dumped me when I was just working up to dumping him anyway? I think in my heart, I have this fantasy where he'll call & say don't go-you never knew it but I really loved you and wanted you with all my heart. But here's the horrible part-why do I want this-so I can say-sorry, you're not my prince charming? How unhealthy is that? I know I'm rambling & I'm sorry-just trying to get out some of the emotion while I'm still alone today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 2:26pm

<>

You ARE a good person, you just got caught up in it like the rest of us did.

<>

Same here. I never considered leaving my H, and certainly not for XMM. Yes, I was in love with him, but he was cheating, and so was I. I KNEW that this wasn't someone I'd really want as a partner. Isn't it crazy that we invested so much time, emotion, and SO much of ourselves into someone that we couldn't see ourself with for the long-term?

<>

It's easier to be the dumper then the dumpee. I can't tell you how many times I broke up with him, and he NEVER broke up with me. I knew it would have to be my call otherwise the pain of rejection would have made this even worse to get over. So you are feeling quite normal on that.

<>

You have no idea how much I understand what you mean by that. I'd break up, push him away, hope he'd tell me how much he misses me, which he usually did..but then came a time when he acted as if it didn't matter, my head got all crazy again thinking "he doesn't want me anymore", all the while I'm still pushing him away. I guess we still need to know they want us, even though we need it to be over. Unhealthy? That's an understatement, but I think it's a normal feeling nonetheless.




Edited 3/7/2005 2:28 pm ET ET by hurtpup
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 8:14pm

toosmart,

we are all here to support each other, if nothing else, we are here to listen, i know the pain is real, and we all know how u feel

be strong, call some friends, eat ice cream, its what i do, im still lsoing weight but what the heck

- that what affairs are, most of them are lies, the love we feel might be true but we have to lie to others, other people we love anc care for us and we have to lie to them

i know it is hard to comprehend the matters of the heart so to speak

keep posting if it makes u feel a little better

max