Please help me
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| Mon, 08-30-2010 - 10:13am |
I can hardly type - I am shaking and crying so bad.
He called me 8 times from different numbers and to my home.
I finally had the courage last night to ask wcf to erase all the emails from our shared accounts. Remember how I couldn't change anything because it would notify him. Well - instead, I thought, I just want all the emails gone. GONE. I didn't want to go into the accounts ... I didn't want to read anything. So wcf did it for me.
Then I went to counseling this morning. When I come out there are 6 missed calls on my cell phone. Another call comes within minutes. I say hello ... he says 'hi it is me - why did you do that' ... I freeze and then hang up. I say nothing. He calls back and I don't answer. Again, a different number. He has left a voicemail - a long one. I haven't listened. I come home, and the numbers can be seen on my call display. This affair cost me everything - my marriage, work, not to mention dignity, self-esteem etc ... he has the nerve to call me and ask why?
Omg - I feel scared. He has never acted like this. I have his email accounts blocked, but these numbers are from no where. This affair ended almost 7 months ago - 5 months of NC.
Please help me ground myself.
Thank you,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

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((((TU)))))
First, take a deep breath. Take a lot of them. You did the right thing by having the shared emails deleted. Don't listen to the voice mail - delete it right away.
By closing the email accounts, you have slammed the door completely on him, and he didn't like it, hence the phone calls. He has NO right whatsoever to contact you and ask why.
I completely understand your fear. It's exactly how I felt that weekend when I first turned my phone off with no explanation. I had 10 messages over the course of 2 days. It is a very scary thing. I felt the same way when XAP stalked me in his car after that.
Don't give XAP any power over you. It WILL be OK. As others told me, keep your eyes open and protect yourself. I never felt that I was in any physical danger, but you have to make that call. If you don't feel that it's anything other than him reacting to you REALLY moving on, then breathe. It will pass.
Think of this as a huge test, and you are passing with flying colors :)
Bodhi
((TU))
Just wanted to offer you some hugs and let you know I think you did the right thing
~Iddy~
TU
I do not know how much I can offer, but I do want to say that I am so sorry that this is happening to you right now.
I can only imagine you are scared, and just know that you are doing everything you can to protect yourself right now. Having someone delete the emails was a very good idea.
I also want to let you know that your strength, resolve, and tireless commitment to this community is something that amazes me. I was touched, and moved to new places of healing this weekend by some of your posts and responses to others who where having a tough time. I guess what I am saying is that although the A may have damaged your dignity and self-esteem, it has not taken it completely. That can clearly be seen.
I hope that your XAP can get a hold of his emotions, and can for 1 second imagine what his behavior is doing to you right now. But that seems unlikely...so in the mean time I will be the first one to stand and make a wall. No doubt that the wonderful women of this board will soon join me. I offer my support in anyway I can.
Try and take a few deep breaths. Feel how strong you are in each breath. Know that I am breathing for you.
sending you healing and calming vibes
Peace&Light
Foggy
((TU))
Dont be scared ......You are so strong,.... what right does he have to get angry with you deleteing emails?.... he only deleted your M, your family and your pre-A life. and was then too cowardly to leave his home, w and family.
He has no right to try to contact you, you owe him nothing, and you had every right to delete whatever you wanted and you
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
You are amazing and strong, I know you'll get through this. You did the right thing and he isn't thinking at all how his 'freaking out' has/will impact you. Good on you for hanging up and delete that msg w/o listening to it! You've got enough on your plate, you don't need anymore drama.
Oh, and Iddy - 'wcf' is more of a 'who' than a what ;) (the who being me :p)
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Dear EAS family,
Thank you all for your amazing emails. They inspire me, and keep me focused. I have settled down now. I came to my best friend's home, which always feels safe to me. I am reading old posts and the healing library. I can't tell you enough how much your support means to me. Even this far out, 5 months, I can't believe how entitled he feels to me. I have a knot in my stomach. I feel a wave of anger like never before: at myself and at him. I had left those emails because part of me knew that he would react. I didn't want that drama. There are lots of hurts happening in my life - my divorce being one of them.
However, I no longer wanted any of me to be associated with any of him. Those emails were a reminder of a very unwell me who caused so much hurt & damage to so many people. I didn't want him to continue to read them and fantasize about a space that was based on lies, deception and manipulation. I wanted to cut that last remaining tie.
In preparation, I had blocked him - even our work email. I wasn't prepared for him to call me at my home. How incredible. How selfish. It reinforces for me that he is exactly where I left him months ago - a selfish, cowardly man who has not taken the opportunity to re-build his marriage with authenticity. I was selfish too - but once I took accountability for my actions, I started to make ammends for my many wrongs - including a vow to myself and the Universe, to never ever go down this path again.
Instead, he remains stuck. That's fine. He can do what he wants, but not with me any longer. He made different choices, I respected them, and I started NC. I haven't looked back.
I was in shock to hear his voice. I still can't believe he called me. I feel a mixture of pity and anger toward him. I am once again filled with tremendous regret for the pain I have caused.
I am feeling better now. Deep sigh. I am strong and I am a fighter. I am not unraveled, but my new me was tested. I am so happy 'she' finally turned up for me. I am proud that I had the courage to hang up the phone. I embrace that action as a huge sign of progress.
Thank you to each of you,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I am feeling better now. Deep sigh. I am strong and I am a fighter. I am not unraveled, but my new me was tested. I am so happy 'she' finally turned up for me. I am proud that I had the courage to hang up the phone. I embrace that action as a huge sign of progress."
Exactly. It *is* a huge sign of progress! I'm sure that enough enders have had 'that call' and stayed on to chat, to answer questions (even though the spoken answers never satisfy quite as much as the 'answer through action'). I'm impressed and giving you a huge round of applause for hanging up! I know that you picked up in the first place, but that's because he was playing the 'call from a different number' game. Ugh. Anyway! Remember this, and remember that you got through it just fine. A few scratches maybe, but no worse for wear in the end. It's both an indicator of how strong you really are and can be, and how great/supportive/influential this community is.
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Atta Girl! And ((hugs)) to you too, wcf, for helping out one of my favorite Tweeners. I knew you had it in you to seek shelter (BFF) and find RL support. You're a smart one, TU, and although this road may sometimes feel like we did the most stupid thing in our lives, it does not define us and who we are inside. So many beautiful souls on this board that just got lost for a while......
You are all finding yourselves again and the path that you need to be on. Some get a little sidetracked, but for the most part, you are all pushing foward the best way you know how, and for this I am very proud of each and every one of you.
Keep on, keeping on. Trust me when I say that some day this will all
~Iddy~
Big, big hug! I am so sorry this happened to you and I am busting with pride that you were so strong to do what you did! You are a great example to the rest of us of what to do and when. Great job.
Deepest respect,
Dee
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