Please help me
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Please help me
| Sun, 07-18-2010 - 8:24pm |
Hello,
I have been lurking for many months from work and home.
| Sun, 07-18-2010 - 8:24pm |
Hello,
I have been lurking for many months from work and home.
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Please, please, please, please don't do it. You have NO idea how much I wish I would have stopped when I was at the point you are now.
All you need to do is pick one of us and do an advanced search to read all our posts. You will quickly see the pain and the heartache.
I am a newbie here - today marks 3 weeks of ending my affair after 7 1/2 years of hell. And I am not kidding about hell. Are you ready to live a double life? Sneak around? Have intimate relations in uncomfortable places and then return home and pretend you didn't just betray your H? Are you ready to share this man with his W? And when you think you've "fallen in love" and want him to leave her for you but he won't, are you ready to deal with that? And still work with him?
Sure, the excitement seems worth it, every single one of us here will tell you it's not.
Look within yourself and figure out why you are feeling this way. And any man who is in the position of power over you such as a boss, should NEVER, ever come onto you. Think about his character. He's married. He's your boss.
Read all you can here. And realistically decide if you want to go down this path.
Bodhi
These were response to another poster who was contemplating an A with someone at work. Hope you can read through all the posts:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=28620.1&x=y
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I only have a second, but please someone, anyone, find Empowerment1's post on this. I will not be next to a computer. She posted the best post about why not to get into an A. It was amazing. The women she resounded to a story just like you. Only the guy was not her boss, just a co-worker. If E-1's post would not just scare you straight, it would make u visualize the absolute total hell you will put u n ur family in if u continue on ur horrific path and cross lines that can never be reversed.
Please don't do it. Don't. I will have time later to look. Can someone email E-1? She has an amazing memory n I bet age can copy n paste it and we will poosiblt save this one from the wreckage she may create in her life. I wish to God I knew of this board beforehand n I had the opportunity to get some sound advice on this matter before I shattered myself n others I deeply cared for.
Please listen to us. No. Don't do it. Don't.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Tell us why you think it's okay to have an A?
Was this E-1 too?! It is a daily reminder of what I did 'promise' when I entered into my A.
Affair Contract:
I promise to lie and cheat on my spouse.
I promise to compromise my morals and ethics to be in the affair.
I promise to hide all communications with affair partner from my spouse.
I promise to lie to my spouse about such communications if he/she accidentally sees one.
I promise to live in two worlds and not be fully available to either my spouse and/or family or to my affair partner.
I promise to lie to my affair partner when the truth will hurt him/her or when it’s more convenient or when the truth would end the affair.
I promise to accept the lie that the affair is making my marriage more bearable and is actually helping my marriage.
I promise to ignore any vows and or commitments I made to my spouse if they interfere with my affair.
If my spouse and I are currently sexually active, I promise to continue to have sex with my spouse but give my affair partner the impression that I don’t have sex or have very little sex with my spouse.
I promise to send affair partner a text/email/call to let him/her know I’m thinking of him/her during the holidays and or on my Birth Day.
I promise to not work on the problems in my marriage or within myself as that would eventually lead to dissolving the affair. Unless I get caught or the affair has run its course, then I can use the above as an excuse for ending the affair.
I will be open to having sex in places that are convenient regardless of the environment i.e. on or in vehicles, bathrooms (no matter how dilapidated or regardless of the smell), broom closets, office desk, floor, chair etc.
I promise to feel free to involve my emotions and make promises that I cannot possible keep as this is just a fantasy and is not a real life relationship. I also reserve the right to not involve any emotions if it is not convenient for me.
I promise to take time that I should be with or doing things for my spouse/family and give it to affair partner.
For those with a child/children:
I promise to put my needs first before my child’s/children’s
I promise to kiss my child/children good night with the same lips I kissed and did other acts with my affair partner.
I promise to act engaged in my child’s/children’s activities even if my mind is on my affair partner.
I promise to act morally and ethically in my child’s/children’s presence and expect them to be moral and ethical when I’m not.
I promise to lie to my child/children about my affair when and if it is necessary.
By signing below all parties agree to do whatever is necessary to keep the affair going unless it becomes inconvenient for either party. Parties further agree that if the affair is discovered by the spouse, marriages and families could be broken apart, jobs could be lost, and the fall out could affect the child/children.
In the case where it becomes inconvenient for either party, this contract becomes null and void. No rules apply and the married party is allowed to do whatever is necessary to save his/her marriage even if it is harmful to the single man/woman.
NOW MY QUESTION IS….WOULD YOU SIGN THIS CONTRACT??????
***
You have a choice - You have a choice. You can learn from the pain here, or you can choose to think your situation will be different. Take it from someone who had to choose to leave her job once the A was over - to heal from the impacts of what we had done - don't do it. If you think you are 'incapable of resisting', please think again, and then get looking for that other job!
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
SW,
<<
~Iddy~
Please, for your own sake
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Hi, Superwoman-
You sound like a smart and pulled together lady. If you want all of that to go into the toilet, go ahead and have that A. I promise you it will happen. You've been reading the board for a while, well then, look at all of us and pick the person you want to switch places with. Which of us had the A you want? Which of us has the aftermath YOU'd like to be dealing with down the road? yah, no. Not a single one, huh?
Right now you're fogging yourself up. That means you're pretending you don't know when you've taken things a 'step too far' because you like the jolt that comes with it, and in order to justify that feeling, you're now lying to yourself. Every time you cross that boundary, it becomes easier and easier to do. In order to get that jolt, you have to push into the danger zone more and more. The good thing is, you still have the opportunity to reestablish your personal boundaries and guard yourself from your own self-ruin. You're not in a battle with your boss' bad intentions, you're in a battle with your own demons, and unless you address the issues that are within you, they will drag you down and destroy you. You must wage war.
First of all, change your perspective. Boss is not flattering you when he comes on to you; he's looking at you like you're a target - like you're a weak and vulnerable woman who can be 'had'. Every time you share a confidence with him, or exchange a flirt, it's like you are a little stupid gazelle asking the lion to come out to play. Do you think he respects this behavior? He does not. Try being disgusted with that game instead of thinking it's harmless fun.
And for the love of God, absolutely do NOT discuss with him the 'struggle' you're having resisting him or from going further with this situation. That only kicks the game up to olympic level. It will increase the sense of bondedness and that is a HUGE no-no. you need to do a complete about face and disengage, totally.
I hope today, instead of jonsing for that fix, you'll focus on why you'd put yourself in the position to be viewed like whore (sorry to be so rough), and why you'd allow yourself to risk everything you hold so dear for such a cheap, hollow, base, destructive and hurtful pursuit.
I hope you'll let us know that this Monday was a successful first day of getting your life back on track.
All the best,
Dee
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