Please help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Please help me
38
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 8:24pm

Hello,


I have been lurking for many months from work and home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 1:47pm
So you're a "superwoman" eh? Then please act like one! Don't consider this ridiculous notion. Don't for one second think that your situation is different. I promise you it isn't. My xap was also my boss and 20 years younger. Yeah, I know, it felt sooo good that I, someone in my late 40's was catching the eye of a young, athletic, beautiful man. He was Single, sweet, smart, charming, oh, but don't forget, also willing to have sex with another man's wife. It took me a year and half to come to my senses, and by that time I was, like every woman on here says "a shell of my former self". I would spend my days, after I ended the A, crying, throwing up, not eating for days, not getting out of bed. Sound good to you yet? I hope not. All of the women here are throwing you the rope we all wished we had, before we drowned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 10:39pm

Wow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 1:52am

Hi superwoman, no need to appoligize for the length of your post.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=26081.1&x=y


This thread about chemistry was the one that hit me over the head real hard. My H may seem boring as we have been together years and we have slipped into a comfortable love; which is good. My body tends to choose the wrong people. It helped me to look at what unfinished childhood business I had. that made me see that I was attracted to those who could (but won't) fill that. The high that one gets from that chemistry fades... and so does the relationship if it is with someone who cannot offer a life with you. I hope this helps you.


"Actually when we have chemistry with someone, it's not exactly flattering. In fact, some might call it insulting.



Why? According to Harville Hendrix our brain dumps PEA when we identify someone who can:



1. Finish our childhood business.
2. Give us back what we lost to the socialization process of growing up.

Unfortunately, we hear that click when we recognize our original parent/child situation. That's when our brain really gets those phenylethylamines and other chemicals moving. "

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 7:20am

Super -

I'm always humbled and amazed by the generosity of everyone here too. I'm so glad you have read everything and responded.

<<>>

Because he is married and as long as he is married, all this will be is a fun, exciting, enticing diversion from his real life. The same is true for you. Affairs act as the shade in the hot, beaming sun of real life.

You already stated that you don't want to leave your H. I'm assuming he does not want to leave his W. So, case closed. If the feelings you have for each other are "real", you both need to face your lives separately, get divorced and then meet each other.

<<>>>

BTDT - my XAP is a high-profile powerful man too. I was drawn to him for the same reasons. These men are even more dangerous to us. Trust me on this one.

<<<>>

Because it's not real. And it will only get worse. Self-esteem has to come from within, never from someone else. You are one intelligent woman to be here at the beginning stages of this, rather than getting in knee deep.

Keep reading and focus on what is missing in your real life that has made you even consider this man.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 10:08am

Super,
Your self esteem is already damaged because you realize that you are lying to yourself to justify getting your fix and ignoring the consequences. You are not honoring your higher-self; you're playing along with all that is damaged and weak inside of you (your lesser-self). At what point did this man come across "genuine and sincere" and what exactly is he all genuine and sincere about - that he'd like to f you, behind his wife's back, and he doesn't care if you and your family are destroyed in the process? It's all how you look at it, Honey, and right now you're a little fogged in and tweaking reality to get what you think you want.

What kind of ego-gratification are you looking for that he's attractive to you? You mentioned that he's powerful and older and such.... why is this so important to you? You're trying to fill a need and going entirely the wrong way to do it. You have a good man who wants to love you, have your back, and build his life with you - is this not ego gratification enough? Then you need to ask yourself what's going on inside you that you need MORE and would be willing to play this dangerous game to get it. If you think I don't understand the overwhelming draw of "winning" the attention of someone so gosh-darn enticing, you're wrong. I do. I got my fix from a rockstar. Big fn deal. Major ego gratification to put that feather in my cap? Yah, not so much once the shine wore off. The point is, you are thinking about what a "coup" it would be to 'win' this dude over. Thing is, he's easily had. If it's not you he's going to screw around with, it's somebody. Anybody willing to play. He's damaged goods; I don't care how powerful and interesting he is. And at the end of the day, you'll be ruined - you'll have only yourself to blame, and you will have destroyed your husband and yourself in the process. No fix or ego stroke is worth that.

Go now!!!! - Get therapy to dig down and find out what your issues are and why you'd be so vulnerable and mislead. It's not too late for you.

The stress of thinking that you might be won over by the Dark Side is killing me! I really, really don't want to see you posting a different story on this board six months from now.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 12:02pm

Dee and Bodhi,


Excellent posts. I felt your riveting words all the way down to my toes.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 3:16pm

Superwoman -

I don't post very often, but your post really resonated with me. I went through something very similar. I felt the pull of the attraction for 2 years and tried to ignore my feelings. I thought I could handle the flirting and the feelings I was having. I tried to distract myself. I even tried to get pregnant with my husband because I thought that would distract me from my feelings for my manager. My manager was number 2 in the company. I felt flattered as you do. I wanted to be his favorite. I wanted to be the person he went to lunch with. I loved having his attention and I thought I could handle it.

Well, he obviously knew that I liked the attention because it didn't stop even when I felt guilty and told him that I was happily married. During a rough spot with my husband a group of work friends went out together. That was the night that I believe we crossed the line. We texted that night until all hours of the night. Then we ended up having a relationship for a few months. We fell in love. I was consumed by guilt and decided I needed to move out of my house. Then I got cold feet and couldn't go through with it so I tried to end our relationship. For me, it was impossible when we still had feelings for each other and I was still working for him. I tried LC at work for a couple months and finally one day realized that I had to figure out my marriage first and I couldn't do that while working with him. I put my two weeks notice in that day.

There is so much I could write, but even now I still struggle with my feelings for him and my fantasy of what things could be like with him. I just heard that he is separated from his wife.

I do know for sure that I messed up my career and that I shouldn't have started anything while he or I were still married. This whole thing has been so hard and so stressful; I don't wish the same for you. Please figure out why you need and desire this man's attention. Perhaps you need to look for another job if you can't get past these feelings.

luvmytwocs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 7:39pm

You've received so much great advice here. Wow. The support here saved my life when I ended my A 6 months ago. So all I will say is this- it will absolutely ruin your life if you decide to enter an A. I am one of the lucky ones. I survived 3 DDays, but it's been the most painful experience of my life. For your sake and the sake of your DH, walk away NOW before it's too late.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 11:55pm

Wow, thank you once again.


You are all so incredibly supportive and hearing your stories and advice are so 100% what I need right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 7:16am

Superwoman -

I'm so glad you are here and doing the hard work now. I'm sure you will be tested again - just remember he is cryptonite Superwoman!

<<<>>

Definitely. I used to be a huge flirt. I thought it was harmless - and I didn't think twice about hugging other men, joking around, etc. I never crossed the big line until my XAP, but I crossed a lot of small ones. Now, it's very easy for me to stick my hand out and shake a man's hand when he's coming in for a hug and it's not appropriate.

I don't know your work situation, but I would recommend never, ever working late with him unless it's with a room of people. Keep doing what you are doing to protect yourself.

<<<>>

Yeah, you don't - look what happened to Darth.

Bodhi