Please help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Please help me
38
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 8:24pm

Hello,


I have been lurking for many months from work and home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 8:45am
Superwoman, Perhaps having your H come to take you to lunch and making his presence know in your office will help to detour this man. I try to talk about my H as much as possible around coworkers, in a positive way, of course, so that everybody knows I'm in a happy M. Stay strong, and forgive me if I came on a little strong earlier. I guess I was "projecting" because I saw so much of my situation in yours. You sound like a "super woman" to me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 11:44pm

Hello again ...


I have a follow up question that I am hoping you can help me with, though I think I already know the answer to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 11:59pm

I had found this old thread which I had bumped up that I felt could tell you much better than what I could. Hope this helps;)

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=28759.1&x=y

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 7:31am

Hi Super -

My opinion - you are playing with fire. And affair is an affair - whether it is physical or emotional.

<<>>>

How do you know that you'll never cross the line? Super, A's happen in little steps - I think we talked about guilt in another thread and how once you do something it gets a little easier each time to justify. My XAP and I had a working relationship at first. The company he works for is my client. It started innocently too - worked on some projects, liked his company - oh? you want to take me to lunch? OK! Then talking on the phone, then talking in person. I thought the same thing you are thinking - I had extremely intense feelings for him - what was wrong with just "getting closer, enjoying his company"? Well, one day while we were just talking, he leaned over and kissed me. I've never felt anything like it. And it was followed by 7 1/2 years of pain - of which I have NEVER felt anything like.


<<<>>>

The problem is you have feelings for him that you can't (and won't) just ignore. I guess you have to decide what you can tolerate and what you can't - the level of "friendliness" that is acceptable in your profession for advancement.

I'm just really worried about you Super - all of us here ask questions like this when we want permission to "fish". When we want some crack pipe residue. The answer is always NO. Like I said, you are playing with fire. JMHO :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 8:44am

You have received some amazing support, reassurance & advice. Super, have you been reading here? Like EVERYTHING?

There are MANY women here who never crossed a physically boundary and the consequences of the A were still the same! You are totally playing with fire and there is nothing any of us can do or say to assist you in making the right decision if you are trying to negotiate just how close you can get without getting burned.

We have even suggested you leave your job if you 'can't' (read won't) resist yourself - it is that serious that you don't do it.

I have a career in which my xAP was my closest colleague and BOTH our careers depended to a large degree on work we did TOGETHER. We were actually hired for contracts as a team. You know what? I had to leave those contracts and the hours of work I had put into them, taking a huge hit to my professional accomplishments and personal income. Worse still, because he wanted the EA to continue, he never offered to leave me any of the work ... so his name will be on it, and I'll be unaccounted for. But you know what ... if you can get your head seriously in check, than you won't need to have this kind of outcome, but if you don't get yourself together, you're going to lose a lot more than your comfort level at work with your special friend.

Ask my three kids if they thought my 'special' relationship with my colleague was worth their dad moving out - who by the way, couldn't have cared less about the PA, but was DESTROYED by the level of emotional intimacy we had shared.

I want to see you choose to keep what you have, not get greedy and get the therapy you need to figure out WHY it is even an option for you to take the gamble. Being so certain that you could handle it is a BIG RED FLAG that you can't.

Please Super, get it together. You gotta make some choices here.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 11:22am

I have never shared my story on this board but I too ended up having an A with a man I worked with. My presence hasn't been accepted well on this board because I am a MW rebuilding with my H and I can tend to be harsh. I still read posts because it keeps me grounded. I know that feeling you get when you see him. It makes your heart sing. I felt that too when I started my A. He was younger and so good looking. I felt like I couldn't breathe on the weekends because I couldn't see him. But.... my A turned out to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I became a plum lunatic IMHO. Having sex in my office and doing all kinds of irrational things that I thought I would NEVER do. I told myself that I will remain friends with my XAP at first and I thought I would NEVER cross the line. I kept telling myself how stupid I was for doing what I was doing but I kept doing it anyway until one day I woke up with NO self esteem and self value at all.


It's normal to find yourself attracted to another person but you do not want to go there. You can't be friends with this man because you have already crossed the line.. You may not beleive you are capable of an A but plenty of us on this board didn't think we could. Run away from this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 12:46pm
Mom, I read the posts here to keep me grounded too. I am glad you shared your story, I think people can learn from your story btw;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 12:50pm

My A was not a PA, it was an EA. STarted out as co-workers, became friends and then feeling escalated. IMHO, an A is an A. My heart was fully invested. My whole world became wrapped up in his. It almost destroyed me. It almost destroyed my M. I had to leave a job I loved in the end so that I wouldn't have to be around him. Please, if you've read here, you already know that you are on a slippery slope.


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 1:06pm

SW,


<

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 2:03pm

Wow Iddy - perfect. When I'm lucky enough to find the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with, I will remember this.

Bodhi