Please help me be strong

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Please help me be strong
3
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:14am

I mostly lurk here, but I do post occassionally. Some of you may remember me more from the MAS board. My A was long distance, non physical, but pretty intensely emotional. Eventually we were discovered and we've had a lot of work to do to accept responsiblity for our actions, assess our lives and what we have done, etc. I realized that I need to live in the present and commit to my M, so at my request the A essentally ended last fall. We tried to carry on as friends but a hidden friendship is still wrong and I struggled with it. Contact ended 6 weeks ago. Neither of us said any kind of official goodbye - we just stopped talking. I know XMM misses me, as I miss him. I also know that by moving on we are both trying to do the right thing.

Well this morning I quite stupidly logged into an email account that XMM and I share. I've logged in before and there is never anything there. This morning there was an email simply stating that he misses me. Oh how I wish I hadn't seen it! I had the presence of mind to mark it as unread and not to reply. But I'm feeling weak. I'm wondering if I should write him and let him know that I miss him too, but that we both know we can't go back to how things used to be. Maybe if we say goodbye officially then we can really start to put this behind us. Then again, any contact is still contact, so maybe I should try hard to pretend I never saw it.

I could use some encouragement to stay strong. Please don't bash XMM. He's a good person who, like myself, made a mistake. I truly think his email was an expression of his feelings, rather than an attempt to manipulate me. I just need help remembering that caring for someone means helping them to do the right thing. In this case, the right thing is NC.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Feeling blue,

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:43am

A lot of people might not agree with me but I think that one of the worst parts is feeling like the other person dosen't care anymore. Generally contact makes you feel worse because it brings back the connection. I was glad that xmm and I had a few end it, evaluate type conversations. I think if you just made it short and clear that there will be no more contact, and yes you do miss him too, and then stick to the NC. I liked having the closure.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 9:53am
It really isn't a good idea to respond to the e-mail. Responding will only prolong the EA. Does your H know that you have continued contact? If not then it would be best to tell him before he finds out on his own. If you decide to respond to the OM then you should do it out in the open with H's knowledge. If you respond then you should also tell him that you miss him only as a friend and are dedicated to working on M. Best wishes in making a good decision. IMO NC is best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 9:59am

<<>>

I agree. I don't think it is fair to the other party to not say anything. It's cruel. You have to do what you can live with. If you want to respond, respond. Only you can make that decision.

SS