Please help me to follow thru...
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| Sat, 05-29-2004 - 10:08am |
How do I tell him? I am a bungling idiot at confrontations, and besides, I owe him NOTHING, IMHO. If I say, "I don't want to do this anymore," he would respond with "OK". That would totally infuriate me because everything we have done is NOT OK. I want to scream at him....tell him that we are both losers and have been in denial for years and that THIS is not the answer to what has been missing in our lives. Ya know...Just typing this makes me want to VOMIT.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. I am exhausted at fighting these demons. I want to "HATE" him, but that only shows my anger, not my remorse. This is BOTH of our faults, but my main goal is to forgive myself, not him. He, on the other hand, had far more to lose than I did, so I've never fully understood how he thinks this could go on and on and on....I still care for this man (he has been a great friend), but I am no longer in love with him. How can you love a cheater and a liar?
What I need now is advice on how to start loving myself and also be able to stay gainfully employed without compromising who I need to be, for my own self-preservation.
R2L

It's a tricky situation since this man is your boss and you want to keep your job. Is it a big enough company that you could get a transfer to work for someone else or in a different location? If not, I guess you'll just have to figure-out if both of you can tolerate being around each other any more. Is this man going to be hurt, or does he try to dominate? Since you say you're not in love with him, I can only assume that the relationship has been disappointing to you in some way. Did he use his authority to take advantage of you in some way? That certainly would be hurtful. If it's something like sexual harrassment, I think the best way to get over that is to recognize you don't always have to be taken advantage of. You have rights and can speak-up for yourself. You just have to let yourself be who you are with reasonable self-discipline. Tight control over oneself can make one fearful to do much.
I hope you can follow thru with this. It sounds like you don't want anyone to get hurt, more than they already are. There does come a time to admit where we've made mistakes and make them right. I admire your courage and wish you all the best.
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Actually, this is what I HAVE been doing these last few weeks, and I don't like the person that I am seeing in the mirror. I think this is what underlines my silent hostilities toward everything lately. I am harboring some kind of self hate, and yet reaching out for a life line as well. I want to get in touch with that person I used to be....emotionally independent and care-free. This self examination has me up all hours of the night.
I'd like to thank you for you insights and comments. Personal growth is exactly what I am in search of, but because I am so close to the situation on a Monday - Friday basis (small company, 1 building), it's very difficult to dodge one another. You know, I ended this once before for many months, but gradually we started up again. If I end it this time, I want to stick to my decision for good. I realise though, that I have to have the reserve and strength "IN PLACE" in my head, before I tell him that the physical side of this relationship MUST end. I have been stalling the inevitable in hopes that I will have all of my ducks in a failsafe row before hand. Is that possible? Any mantras or positive affirmations I could start chanting? Like, "I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO THIS" ... :)
R2L
Edited 5/30/2004 2:40 am ET ET by ready2listen
I can understand how working in a small office with your boss could be very difficult. My guess is that there is something in your life or past that makes history repeat itself, not neccessarily an affair, but just anything that is ultimately dissatisfying. Your best bet is to face that fear or disappointment or whatever it is because a lot of what they do in therapy is expose the person to whatever distresses them. So I just decided why not do it myself through free association. Combined with the knowledge that I can be my own best friend, rather than my worst enemy, I think it can be possible to face anything.
As a more practicable approach, I've read that just going over a situation in your mind, examining all the minute details, etc., until it feels normal can be very helpful. Consistently, I've found that facing my fears and concerns was healing rather than harmful.
I personally believe a person has to find peace with God before they can find peace with themselves. He knows we are weak and erroring, but that doesn't stop Him from loving us. I always comfort myself that God weighs the heart, even though man may only look on the outside. He knows why we did the things we did and when we're sorry and repent, He forgives us. I do know that guilt can be toxic and harmful. I don't believe God does that to us. If you feel that way, I would advise to go for a run or something. Anything to change your focus, get you into a different environment, etc. You don't deserve to have to beat yourself up. People make mistakes or we wouldn't be human.
Keep perservering. I think you're going to make it!
I have avoided the therapist thing all of my life. Yet, deep down inside I have always thought that it would be the best thing I could do for myself. Sometimes I think, "Well maybe this is what I'm afraid of, or maybe that is what disappointed me", but never have I ever had a clear picture of why I always sabotaged myself....usually when things were going the smoothest....like I wasn't supposed to be happy.
I want to thank you for your advice and your many thoughts that now have my brain
working overtime. I am so grateful for this long holiday weekend, because I knew it was going to be a soul searching one. What baffles me the most is how I could be crawling along with my head looking down for so long and then "WHALA", like a lightning bolt hit me, and suddenly nothing seems the same as it was 1 minute ago. It was like the "body snatchers" came along and replaced me with this shell of a person who wants to start EVERYTHING over again, Do you know what I mean?
Is this like an epiphany or something? Can the evil of my ways actually smack me upside the head so suddenly as to jolt me off of my feet? Is it possibly to suddenly see so clearly, and yet be just as confused as to what it is I am looking at?
You have been wonderful my friend,so thank you for responding to my pain. It appears you are the only one courageous enough to help me. You have NO idea how long I have carried this around inside....so Thank you ever so much.
R2L
I just wanted to say something in response to your new discussion. I feel a bit responsible because I may have gotten you to feel enthusiastic, which is a good thing. However, when we're enthusiastic we also tend to be less critical in our evaluations of things. I've found many beautiful teachings in virtually every religion. However, I've found most, if not all, to be ultimately incorrect. The Bible says that the Kingdom of God is within us. In other words, God wants to communicate with each of us directly, to be our God. I believe He does that through the "still, small voice", our unconscious. I actually learned about what I wrote to you from the New Age Movement via a web site called Pathways, lectures by Eva Perriakos. The author called it "involuntary processes". Her writings are very insightful, but I can't subscribe to her religion. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't let your God-given abilities, gifts and aspirations become sub-servient to some person or organization. There is liberty in God.
I just don't want you to get enthused just to be ultimately disappointed. I wish you the best!
Good grief woman....and here I was beginning to really like you ;)
I woke up in a better frame of mind yesterday morning because I had made a decision, which was liberating in and of itself. It just felt good to have some sense of direction, even though I assure you, I knew it would probably be a short-lived moment...and unfortunately, it was.
My "HOPE" story was something I just wanted to share with others in that I am a firm believer in "There are no coincidences." Stuff happens for a reason. There are signs all around us that are available to the open mind that can offer guidance, protection, assurances, and answers. Some people call them messages from God, or that the angels are speaking, or blessings.... Since I am NOT a religious person, I call it "Awareness."
Deep down inside all of us are the answers we need to any problem we have. How we reach into that intangible space of knowledge is a personal choice, but knowing that it IS accessible, is the beginning of knowing who we are.
R2L