Please help me with reminders

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Please help me with reminders
20
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 8:39am

Good grief. This morning lamewad sends me a request to join him on a professional networking site. I know because it was in the title of the email. I deleted immediately without opening it up.

Why is he doing this now? Why do I feel flattered that he's thinking of me? Why do I want to talk to him and see how he's doing?

Please help me through this. I need to hear the really hard stuff.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 12:13pm

AT2,

Huge kudos for deleting!!! Shows growth and more healing is taking place inside you despite his attempts at contact.

<< The smidgen of me that wants to reach out to him is out of compassion for what he's going through. Is that the mother in me?>>

You are a compassionate person with a big heart but since these As have a whole lot of dysfunction wrapped up in them you have to ask yourself some questions to get down to your true motives. Is it your ego mixing with fantasy? Could you be thinking this big important guy is now down on his luck and maybe you could move in and be his hero and help rescue him? Are you fantasizing about that a little? Also are you hoping to change his opinion of you? Have him look at you in a different light? If any of those are your motivations then that is manipulation not compassion. Going in to help with motives of getting a specific reaction is manipulation plain and simple.

<>

This is just the ol’ A brain back at work. Have you been in a down period at all lately? See during my A, I use to be nervous about getting caught even if I was just reading a text so my heart would pound and I would get an adrenaline rush. In person meetings produced adrenaline galore. My heart raced like a Geiger counter at Chernobyl. Since before my A I was in depression mode, this made the feeling even more intense. My body's warning system going off made me feel alive! Here my body was trying to communicate the danger of the situation and I processed that in my efed up way into a feel good. How dysfunctional was that!

The way you feel right now and why you feel it could have everything to do with how you have been feeling and what is going on with you. Use this opportunity and the raw feelings you have to journal about. Figure out what you got out of the contact with him during the A and why you had the reaction and feelings you did then. Then connect them with what is going on with you now.

Keep in mind feelings (even anger) are not always a “bad” thing. There is a reason you are feeling what you are feeling. Get busy figuring out why.

Love and hugs,

E1

Edited bodies to body’s. Yep I only have one. So for those of you who were wondering if I suffered from multiple personalities that answer is NO!

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 12:15pm

and Oh $hit - i was late to the party again! I need to move East Coast! Just so I can be quick on my draw.

I just saw your reply Always...I KNEW IT. You are so QUICK like that in reframing!!!

Once again, you got me all goose bumply - with your freaking POWER!!!!!

Dammit.

You're GOOD.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 12:15pm
We <3 you too, Alwayst. Thanks for this uplifting post. Enjoy that walk, coffee, and bagel. It's raining cats and dogs here, and I am fighting the "Blues." When the heck is it going to go "green" here in Michigan?? ;-)

((Hugs))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 12:34pm

I wanted to comment on one final thing you said, Always -

When you looked at all those who had fishing attempts with a little envy - Ok I get that from the outside looking in - that lack of ego stroke -

NOW, YOU KNOW - how DIFFICULT and DILIGENT that makes things. Now you KNOW what it's like to have to battle the challenge to stay on course - and as Dee said, KNOW EXACTLY how much to distrust yourself.

Good! his fishing attempts now help you REMIND YOURSELF just how selfish and disrespectful it is and how much of a challenge that presents to you when you're Ego driven. Its a constant reminder to die to that Ego

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 5:14pm

(((((((A)))))))

I don't have much time right now because i'm getting the kids off to school, so excuse the short post.

He certainly is fishing because he is experiencing difficult times in RL and needs to escape into Affairland, the place of the feel goods. Remember when we use to do that too? But we have progressed now, we are wiser beings and have no excuse for ignorance anymore, no excuses.

Don't be flattered that this action is his want for you, it simply is his needs for him, He is continuing his selfish behaviour, with absolutely no regard of you, your feelings, your M, your life, because that is the gist of what A's are, pure and utter selfishness.

Always you don't want to go for Round 3 do you? or how about another Dday? Remember the rock bottom lows? they far outnumbered the few highs we experienced throughout the course.

Thinking of you
V888
xxxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 5:43pm
Far out I love you guys.

Newport, try living in another country and missing out on a great thread. I would have loved to wade in here but you guys have said it all - and said it beautifully.

Always I was also a bit sad that my exjerk never fished. But when he did it was base and degrading. Like you I have a very sift nature so I have often wondered if I could ignore him if his fishing was more plaintive.

Either way a fishing attempt is a thinly veiled call out for the drug. That's all it is. The ego stroking high that we all fell for.

Don't be his supplier anymore. You are better than that. Let him take his crack-addict ass to someone else for his hit. Thats all he wants babe.

Much love- you are my hero !!!!

Iggy
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 9:14pm

I wanted to add 1 more thing (hahah i feel like steve martin in the jerk...all i need is thisss chair.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 9:28pm
Believe me, it is easier. When we had our last words 21 years ago, that was that. Never heard from him again for 20 years. I never thought he would fish this time either. I am still reeling. I feel like a Newbie again and am employing the very basics; breathe, this moment will pass, it doesn't matter. Ladies, be THANKFUL if he doesn't fish. If you wish he did, it's your stinkin ego talking. As Dee said, get over it. It was our egos that got us here in the first place.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 9:43pm
awww HONEY. Im WITH YOU. I get what you're going through right now. BOY do I. Just know...you are NOT ALONE. Not one bit.
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 10:27am
I agree six yrs ago when we had dday he didn't fish for 5 yrs nothing and I went on with my live after I grieved sure I missed him, dreamed about him occasionally and wondered how he was but not alot and it was bearable, the dreams left me with a few hours of longing but it was ok. He didn't fish so I thought he was done I had no reason to think otherwise and it helped me move on. I was truely shocked when he showed up at my door 5 yrs later. Now he fished and its keeping it fresh but the last time he walked away this time I did... I respected his choice hes not respecting mine but he has never respected me period.

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