please help...any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2004
please help...any advice?
2
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 10:22pm
hello everyone...

first off, you will see that i posted under single OW/OM by accident..sorry for that...anyway, here goes.....

18 mos ago, i began an affair...he is married, but separated from her by 3 states, seeing her about 1 time a month or two...it is a sexless marriage, but one where he hurt her by an affair years back so he stays married because THAT is what she wants and he owes her...I am married with a divorce pending...

i spent the last 18 mos with M and don't know where the time went..it was supposed to be this 2-3 mos thing where we kept it as an affair...it was supposed to be easy...and slowly, we became friends, talking each night on the phone and gradually seeing each other alot..to the point of my eventually moving to VA where he is and working with him...not because of him directly, but because of my divorce, i had few options in my industry to work...i needed a fresh start...anyway, the last few months were a whirlwind of memories..we used to talk all night, dance, laugh, breathe each other in, we made love with TOTAL abandon, and we really, really were happy..but marring the happy times was his love of alcohol...he drinks alot and it just kept getting worse...i still shudder to think of all that i saw, all my fears for him, and gradually, i worried about me, having to see what i was seeing...it was sad, to see that he needed help and wasn't getting it...to see this man i loved NOT be able to totally committ to US, running every time it got more complicated, every time we got too close...finally, he went on a drunken binge the last two weeks..i was with him through it all...i held him, talked to him, and loved him...he finally has decided to get help...AND after begging me NOT to leave him ever, he then told me that he cannot DO us anymore, that it is over...yet still, with that resolve, he begged me NOT to tempt him at work, NOT to get too close...i know with everything in me that he loves me, yet it JUST is NOT enough...

i decided, actually before he closed everything, to go back to my husband...he loves me and even though we had problems, i believe that in time, something can work out...he is trying so hard, and i cannot imagine what it must be like to be in his shoes...i am still going to work with M, but will now just do a weekend shift there, being with my H during the week....i will be around M at work only...

most of me knows that my relationship had too many problems and that i must move on...and take my second chance as there are children involved too...

but tell me something??? HOW do i forget his smell? How do i forget his voice? HOW do i forget the way his belly made a perfect pillow for my head? How do i forget our lovemaking? How do i forget the "I love you's"? How do i forget how much we used to love waking up together every morning? HOW???????

please help me....i hurt SO much.....

i worry about him...i miss him...yet here i am trying to be a good wife, and i love him too...it is just a different kind of love....you know?

please help ...T

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 10:38pm
HI T

You don't forget but with enough time and NO CONTACT the feelings turn into memories and they dim with time that applies to both the good and bad feelings.

I would suggest if there is anyway at all that you leave that job seeing him if you do will only make it much harder.

I don't know if you know any women that has been married to a alcoholic, but over time it is very distructive to your soul, be glad your out now before you had nothing left but anger and bitterness.

It is bad enough being second place to another woman it is worse being second place to a bottle.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:07am
Free is completely right about the R with an alcoholic. My H is one. That's the main root of ALL our problems, from the money being spent, to the bottle coming #1 and me a distant #2, no sex life whatsoever because he can't perform, and all the other habits/behaviors that come with the drinking. It only gets worse, not better, unless they seek treatment.

Please forget about this MM. Especially if he is an alcoholic, you will only regret staying with him, and possibly grow to resent and hate him in the long run. From what you have said, MM needs to seek treatment or he will only get progressively worse and no matter how much you think your "love" can change his ways, it won't. Believe me, BTDT.

Dusty

xxxx