PLEASE HELP...HOW DO I DECIDE?
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| Mon, 01-10-2005 - 1:00pm |
I'm married for 13 years (no children), but left my husband about 10 months ago. Since then, I have been living with the man I've been having an affair with for the past 4 years. He is currently going thru a divorce himself. I'm in the process of divorce...but here's my dilemma...my lawyer just called me with the court date (for my divorce) but I'm not sure I can go thru with it. My husband says that he loves me, but isn't sure he can forgive and forget what I've done to him (I completely understand that). But my husband is willing to let me come back home and see what happens from there (if we will or won't work out). However, the man I'm currently living with has been my best friend and has been there for me for the past 4 years. He has asked me to marry him. He has also helped me emotionally when I've gone thru some difficult times in my life. I literally feel that I love both men equally--though in very different ways. I don't want to continue hurting both of these men by not making up my mind on who I want to be with. But I am so afraid of making the wrong decision, that I've made no decision and it's hurting all 3 of us. I am not able to support myself financially or I would try being on my own for a while to see what I really want and who I really am...and staying with friends or family just isn't practical right now. I've also been in counseling, but still cannot make up my mind.
I know what I've done is wrong. I am very ashamed of myself for having an affair, but what's done is done and I'm trying not to hurt anyone anymore.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening!

Hi deceivedme...thanks for replying. My counselor says that it's my decision to make, all she can do is help guide me to finding the right decision within myself. Obviously, I'm still not able to do that on my own :-(
My guilt is *so* overwhelming for hurting these 2 men. I can't sleep at night nor function during the day. This indecision is literally destroying my life. I am desparately seeking a way to make a decision. My life is in such turmoil...as is these 2 men's.
I hate myself for all the hurt I've brought upon the 3 of us. Yet, I know I'm the only one who can stop it. *IF* only I could make a decision...
You need to find someway to get away from both of these men for a while. Maybe a couple of months. I don't know how you are going to do it, but if you absolutely had to support yourself, you would find a way. So find a way and do it soon. Or you'll lose both of them.
You did say your lover was your best friend. You said you had guilt about your H. If you don't get over your guilt re your H, your love for your lover will be poisoned. If you got back to your H, you may only be doing it out of guilt. You HAVE to find a way to get away and find out what you want to do.
By the way, there is no 100% right decision -- ever. Everything has its pros and cons.
Trying...
I guess if I were you, the first thing I would do is start building a life of your own. You mention that you cannot support yourself financially. With no kids, forgive me if I find that a little hard to understand. You go out and get a job. Yes, it may take some time, but it can be done. People in far worse circumstances than you (i.e. single moms) do it every day. This lack of supporting yourself financially may be one of the things that is preventing you from taking any kind of real action. You're dependent on somebody to pay the bills. Until you get out there and start supporting yourself financially, I think you will find it terribly hard to make a decision. Everything will be clouded by this sad, but true, fact. You can have a life of you own, and in this day and age, really should.
Good luck.
Hi! I have to agree that you really need some time on your own to bring some clarity and perspective. I don't know the legalities about divorce - in that event is your H likely to have to give you any kind of settlement?

MSTINJ, I lived through
Trying.....start making your dreams BIGGER then your memories! The fact that you've said "the man I'm currently living with has been my best friend and has been there for me for the past 4 years" and "he has also helped me emotionally when I've gone thru some difficult times in my life" tells me he won't let you down!
Husband may (or may not) forgive you but I'll bet both our lives that he will NEVER forgive you! For the rest of your life, each time he has the opportunity, he will throw it in your face!
13 years of marriage during which you were able to have a 4 year affair, tells me your marriage is NOT worth saving.
Don't look back...sign the divorce papers and start planning a much happier future!
Good Luck!