Please help...I am weak right now. :(
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Please help...I am weak right now. :(
| Mon, 10-18-2010 - 8:05pm |
And no...I didn't break NC. But, I was NOT expecting to see him at work tonight (we both teach music lessons). I was walking out to my car and he walked out to the parking lot...greeted me with a smile and "how are you?" okay. I kept it brief...I know that he was fishing and had to tell me that he was going to go wash his car...as if he thought "maybe she will follow me there." NOT. I said "goodbye" and then walked back into the store to get something. When I walked out again, he drove by. I didn't look up or wave. I am a newbie, and this just SUCKS so bad. I will learn how to ignore him better, but right now, it is so f***ing hard. I had to pull over in my car so I could type this to get my feelings out right away and to have a good cry...(I have only a few minutes before I get home and have to appear as if I wasn't just crying my eyes out) Good thing no one else was with me because I was able to scream at the top of my lungs while crying (and trying to drive - another good reason I pulled over). I know I can do this. Why, why, am I so f***ing weak??? I thought that I was stronger. I am not. At least not right now. I wish so badly that I could quit my job, but I can't right now. Deep breaths. I am just so sad for the wrong decisions I made that led me to the A. I know, I am not going to beat myself up (though it is at moments like this that I want to) but these emotions hit me so hard, I could barely breathe. Part of the healing process, I know. Healing hurts like a mother f***er. Sorry for all the "bleepy" language, but I know I can count on all of you to hear my pain and be there for me through this not-so-fun process.
Thank you all so incredibly much for your support. I took some deep breaths and I dried my tears. I am going home to my loving family now.
Hearts <3

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((((Hearts)))))
I would argue that you are STRONG right now, not weak. You didn't follow him. You didn't look up or wave when he drove by. You screamed and you cried and you posted here - the RIGHT thing to do. You are human and it hurts like a mother f-er. But tomorrow is a new day and this won't be the end of you. You are safe at home with your family. I'm proud of you!
Much love,
Bodhi
Here are some of those:
1) you will NOT obsess over what was said and not said
2) you will NOT have imaginary conversations in your mind with him
3) you will NOT draft emails or think of any other type of communication with him in an attempt to re-do the encounter from today
4) you will NOT engage him the next time you see him.
You WILL go through the motions in your head of how you WILL act if/when you see him next so that you are prepared. You have to behave counter-intuitive to what you feel like you want to do. It's hard at first, but trust me, it gets sooooo much easier and the high you get from enacting dignity and walking away is such great re-enforcement.
Chin up,
TU.
((((((<3s of 6)))))))
I second the thought, that I DONT THINK YOU'RE WEAK AT ALL!!!
In fact, I thought you were QUITE STRONG!!!!
Good for you for not running after him! Calling him up! Sitting on the side of the road- unable to move because you were analyzing "what it meant".
Having emotions doesnt make you weak. It makes you human.
You reached out to your support group - a handful of women - that aren't calling you names or questioning "why" you feel this way. BOY DO WE GET IT!!!
I pictured myself being out on that dark road with you.
Heartsofsix,
It sounds like you did a good job of keeping it brief and professional.
Heart,
I'm late chiming in but I wanted to echo that you are not weak and your actions showed that.
Heart, I'm late responding to you, but I just wanted to say that YOU ARE NOT WEAK!! You handled it like
Aww, Hearts. I am so sorry for the pain you were feeling yesterday. That was a terrible thing to go through but you did the right thing by pulling over, crying, screaming and posting here. It hurts so freakin much that you sometimes can't help but to think that you'll never get through it. But you will....one breath at a time.
Keep breathing. We've all experienced what you were feeling and we're all here for you. I can relate to your sadness over making the poor decisions that led to the A. That is what is causing most of my sadness. Well, you can't change what was done so you keep moving forward. I am thinking of you.
~alwayst2
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