Please I need advice!!
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Please I need advice!!
| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:02pm |
I am married and had a 3 month affair with one of his best friends. I had known my H of 4 years for the past 8 - and his circle of friends included my OM and the OM Wife. My OM and I had been each having major marital problems but started talking one night when we were all out together (about 12 of us). We had always had eye contact when we first walked into the room - but never ever ever said or acted upon it(he said he wanted to be with me since the day he saw me, before I started dating my H - because he just got married 8 months before and when he saw me - he said he has always thought about me through the years). So we talked a few times on the phone about each of our problems and how bad we felt, and we decided that since there was something between us, we would get together - but it grew, and was so full of emotion - we felt 16 years old - and we are both in our early 30's.
He moved out for a second time and rented a house across town. I would go and be with him and then go home - but I started to stay there, and for the past 2 months slept there with him and "played house". His wife (who both have mentioned to me and my H - have not been intimate for just under 2 years) all of a sudden wants to work things out, and would call almost every night and cry and scream or talk for hourse, while I was there in another room. Sometimes she would show up - and thank god with warning, because I would have to leave.
The long and short of it is: we got caught in lies and had to lie our way out do to all the friends involved. OM most of all - he got caught with a seperate cell phone - the one we would talk on, and she made him turn it off. and credit card bills - on and on. Well the lying and the phone calls and the drama was really getting to him - he started to become depressed and went on antidepes. and he slept all the time - he said he had a hard time thinking. We talked about what we were doing all the time - and how we knew it was the wrong way to be together.......but like most lovers, everything he said made me know that he loved me so much (but we never said it because we are married - it was always implyed).
He has said to his Wife for the past 10 months - before we got together that he wants a divorce (but I am good enought to understand the time and love he still has for her of course!) but she has resisted and until she is ready (as she says) he does not know when they will file. I betrayed my H - and I love him but am not in love with him - I must do the right thing and divorce soon. regardless if there is a possible future with the OM.
So, last Wednesday - after the OM sitting out in the cold on his cell for 2 1/2 hours lying to her and her beratting him over and over - he came in and talked with me and said he could not go on - he said he wants to be with me but what we did was wrong and he can not go on with the affair -
I agreed, but I did not like it - I wanted him to say yes to a future - and he said it is possible but we need to deal with our current marriages and we cant do that if we continue....we have to be apart - an that he is hurting and having a hard time dealing with not seeing me because he said he felt the same as I do about eachother. But he says he can not even think of what he is doing day to day - how can he know for sure how he will feel 8 months from now!!
so each day for the past week I get my one phone call from a payphone where we mention how we miss eachother and how are we doing....he feels better because he and his wife can have a conversation about how to divorce without worrying about her coming over because I am not there.....I usually get upset - about how could he feel this way about me and not be more possitive about the future (its my own problem I know - no one knows whats really happens anyway). I feel like a jerk - and I hate this regection.
His wife left today for about 2 weeks for work. He leaves in 5 days for about a month also for work up north. he says that he wants to see me before he goes - but we can not kiss or "be together" even though he still wants me and wants to be with me - he just wants me to come to "our house" and talk, be with him and eat dinner and yes - sleep over....but not have sex.
Ok - can someone tell me if I am a sap. Does this guy really care and is having a hard time too? I mean keep in mind that he struggled with us stopping the affair for 3 weeks - he was not good - sad, depressed, exshasted....but he still saw me every night until Wednesday. Am I pining over someone who doesnt want me - or is this one of the good guys (regardless of the affair...) who realized that he was doing a bad thing....regardless of his emotions for me all these years.
And - do I see him tonight when he calls today. I am at the very sad/mad/why why why stage - and if I see him could I just be hurting myself again?
I want honest opinions: a good kick in the head to get me straight.
He moved out for a second time and rented a house across town. I would go and be with him and then go home - but I started to stay there, and for the past 2 months slept there with him and "played house". His wife (who both have mentioned to me and my H - have not been intimate for just under 2 years) all of a sudden wants to work things out, and would call almost every night and cry and scream or talk for hourse, while I was there in another room. Sometimes she would show up - and thank god with warning, because I would have to leave.
The long and short of it is: we got caught in lies and had to lie our way out do to all the friends involved. OM most of all - he got caught with a seperate cell phone - the one we would talk on, and she made him turn it off. and credit card bills - on and on. Well the lying and the phone calls and the drama was really getting to him - he started to become depressed and went on antidepes. and he slept all the time - he said he had a hard time thinking. We talked about what we were doing all the time - and how we knew it was the wrong way to be together.......but like most lovers, everything he said made me know that he loved me so much (but we never said it because we are married - it was always implyed).
He has said to his Wife for the past 10 months - before we got together that he wants a divorce (but I am good enought to understand the time and love he still has for her of course!) but she has resisted and until she is ready (as she says) he does not know when they will file. I betrayed my H - and I love him but am not in love with him - I must do the right thing and divorce soon. regardless if there is a possible future with the OM.
So, last Wednesday - after the OM sitting out in the cold on his cell for 2 1/2 hours lying to her and her beratting him over and over - he came in and talked with me and said he could not go on - he said he wants to be with me but what we did was wrong and he can not go on with the affair -
I agreed, but I did not like it - I wanted him to say yes to a future - and he said it is possible but we need to deal with our current marriages and we cant do that if we continue....we have to be apart - an that he is hurting and having a hard time dealing with not seeing me because he said he felt the same as I do about eachother. But he says he can not even think of what he is doing day to day - how can he know for sure how he will feel 8 months from now!!
so each day for the past week I get my one phone call from a payphone where we mention how we miss eachother and how are we doing....he feels better because he and his wife can have a conversation about how to divorce without worrying about her coming over because I am not there.....I usually get upset - about how could he feel this way about me and not be more possitive about the future (its my own problem I know - no one knows whats really happens anyway). I feel like a jerk - and I hate this regection.
His wife left today for about 2 weeks for work. He leaves in 5 days for about a month also for work up north. he says that he wants to see me before he goes - but we can not kiss or "be together" even though he still wants me and wants to be with me - he just wants me to come to "our house" and talk, be with him and eat dinner and yes - sleep over....but not have sex.
Ok - can someone tell me if I am a sap. Does this guy really care and is having a hard time too? I mean keep in mind that he struggled with us stopping the affair for 3 weeks - he was not good - sad, depressed, exshasted....but he still saw me every night until Wednesday. Am I pining over someone who doesnt want me - or is this one of the good guys (regardless of the affair...) who realized that he was doing a bad thing....regardless of his emotions for me all these years.
And - do I see him tonight when he calls today. I am at the very sad/mad/why why why stage - and if I see him could I just be hurting myself again?
I want honest opinions: a good kick in the head to get me straight.

Interesting that your screen name is from a 19th cent romance story, try not to look at this man through rose colored glasses.
It is impossible to say if he is a good or bad guy, the fact that he would not say that he loves you in plain english is a possible RED FLAG, after all his marriage is not stopping him from having sex with you.
I would suggest that if he really wanted a divorce he would file and his wife could do nothing to stop him, most divorces are runbber stamped these days.
One thing he is right about you BOTH need to deal with your marriages individually and for your own reasons NOT with the expcetation of ending up with each other.
Beware that the large majority of men that cheat and say that there going to leave there wife never do only about 5 percent will follow through.
He did say that he wanted you from the first time he saw you only 8 months after being married, that is not a good indictor of his trust worthy ness is it, and the truth is he has now had you and he is say waht 8 months before he divorces, sounds like back peddleing to me.
ADVICE: Tell him NOT to call you tell he can hand you a divorce decree signed by both he and his wife. Personaly I doubt you will ever see it.
JMHO
Free
No kicks to the head. Just a replay of events from someone who has lived through what you are living through:
THere is no sure thing in life except death. Acknowledging that means that if you leave your marriage and MM leaves his marriage, it is POSSIBLE to come together in a relationship when you're both out of your marriages.
I suggest you end your marriage for what you see in it: you don't love your husband. Both of you deserve to be in relationships where you are loved. Be honest about it and fair in dividing up the assets and liabilities that are in the marriage.