please let me introduce myself as the queen of breaking CONTACT....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2012
please let me introduce myself as the queen of breaking CONTACT....
17
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 1:31am

I broke NC!  He responded to my first msg with a sexual related comment. I wasnt even sexual with him...scratching my head with that one... Than I sent a no seriously type msg, and he didnt respond till hours later and when he got back it was a simple hey... oh yes I responded.  He ignored.  I sent another...he ignored....went on for about 5 more msgs in the spanof 2 days.  So my soul is crushed in pieces.  I have been NC for a YEAR.  I was hurting everything day.  I have an app with a therapist.  I pray I will find my way out of this mess.  Am I that pathetic that he has to ignore me?  That I accept this from him.  I am now feeling new hurts.  people say you dont get closure.. he just left after all these years.  In the end are we all not human and need to hear that..sorry but... and im sorry for my part in hurting you... I dont want to be in this affair.  I dont want to hurt his family no more.  I am a mess.  Dont know where my place is now or where to post.  I still love him very much and I dont hate him.  He ignored me.... has to be the worst feeling I have ever endured.  What was I thinking getting involved with him.  I hate me right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2012
maybe I should sign in as clairelostinlove... but forgot password.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009

Hi Claire

Oh dear, I can't help but respond to this, because I can feel your pain in every word. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, but I am so glad you came here. I am so sure we can turn this event around for you.

Right - something that helped me with my feelings of worthlessness was accepting that nothing about the A was REAL. It was not a relationship based on real, genuine affection, care and support for each other. It was about lies and deceit. So tell me Claire - how does his opinion of you count? I mean really? This person lies, cheats, and disrespects you, and you want his opinion of you to count? Wouldn't the opinion or actions of a decent, loving, respecting person count more?

Secondly - I'm GLAD, no REALLY REALLY glad he his ignoring you. This, my friend is the biggest, bestest, thing he could do for you in the whole wide world. Now delete his number, his messages, and everything you have of him, and leave him alone. He wants you to move on with your life - grab that and run with it girl - this is the only life you have got, and you deserve to be loved and respected by your family, friends.

I'm glad to hear you have a appointment with your T. Start focusing on you. Its not just about keeping NC, its about understanding what NC is all about. In the early stages as you know, its just about white knuckling it, but then at some point you realize NC is more than that - it a way of giving into yourself, and healing the wounds, it gives you time to focus on you and you alone. You need to stop looking at your xAP for reasons, and explanation, he can't, and never will be able too give them too you - he just hasn't got the key to your soul. You have - and use NC to find out who you are. And I promise you, once you found that person, you wont even be tempted to break NC - The very thought  of it will make you sick, because you will never want to feel those highs or those lows again.

You are worth so much more than what you "imagine" him ignoring you means. Focus on healing you, and accept your life without knowing all the answers.

sending you lots of cyber hugs - I'm so sorry your going through this so far into your journey

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Clare sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear that you opened yourself to more hurt like this. Big ((hugs)). We are here for you. We care about you. We think you are a beautiful, strong woman. And we believe in you. You will get through this.

Kat xx
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Hi, Claire.

Two statements you've made jumped right out at me. "I still love him very much and I don't hate him" and "I hate me right now." How can this be? How can you interpret what's happening here as loving him but hating yourself?

Your second sentence was also very telling. He responded to your first message in a year with a sexual comment and then when you tried to correct him, you got a minimal response. Are you really scratching your head over that? Accepting that I know neither of you and have only what little you've written here, looking at it objectively, it seems you are in love with an idea, not the man. I don't want to push you farther than you're ready to go today but I went back and read some of your posts from back in February. You said then that only the first year of the A had been fantastic and after that it had been something of a rollercoaster.

I think your hate is misnamed and misplaced. I think you're battling with deep disappointment that this relationship isn't what you want it to be and that this man isn't meeting your needs and hasn't met them in a long time. That's painful.

Okay, you were NC for a year. What was your first email about? What happened that you broke NC?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
(((((Claire))))). I completely get what your feeling. His lack of response feels like a direct reflection on you and who you are. It makes you feel like after everything you went through with him, you are not valued at all. Am I right?

I know it is hard to feel it in this moment, but his lack of response is NOT a reflection on what a wonderful person you are. It's all about him and his issues. I realize that is not how it feels though.

Please don't hate yourself. You are a wonderful human being who feels deeply and is trying to find her way. You deserve to be loved - by others and more importantly by yourself.

As far as where to post, post wherever you want. There are lots of caring people all over this place who want to reach out a hand.

Hugs,

Lulu
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

((((clairefree))))

Please keep this name.  You may feel a little lost at the moment, but you can still be free.  And your place is right here.

Let's figure out why you broken NC after all this time first.  

And, I'm sure it has not gone unnoticed by you that he was "in" if sex was involved...and  then 'out' when it became apparent that your messaging him didn't mean he was gettin' any.    

What was your motive?  What was going in in your mind?  What was the message to him?  I know these are questions your T is going to ask you.  We can get a jump on it.  

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010

Claire,

So sorry you are hurting.  It IS a crummy place to be, BUT, it will pass.  And, if you are like me, it will sting enough to that you won’t want to put yourself in that position again.  Although, I have done that many times!  When will we learn?!

But, I am learning.  And here’s what I’m learning.  Be glad he’s ignoring you.  After all, he’s just showing you who he is.  Once again. Take that clarity from this as a gift.  BE THANKFUL.

It seems that whenever I would have contact with XAP (and there’s been plenty of it in my attempts to go NC!), it would ALWAYS boil down to the same crap.  His true colors would ALWAYS be revealed and I would ALWAYS be left with the same feelings of YUCK.  EVERY SINGLE TIME.

So, instead of feeling hate towards yourself, try rejoicing!  Rejoice in knowing, once again, what this A was all about and what he’s truly like.

I mean, really?  He stopped responding when you indicated you weren’t contacting him for sex?  Hmmmm…..Looks like clarity to me!

I hope you will try looking at this from a standpoint of rejoicing in KNOWING what you know to be true.  Don’t ignore that reality.

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012

(((Claire)))

Just want to say Hi and so sorry your are hurting so much. You are NOT pathetic, not one bit. Getting over and moving beyond an A is one of thee hardest things I've ever had to do, what any of us here have had to do. Dont beat up on yourself hun, you already hurt enough. You've had great advice above and its great that you have a T appointment lined up. That really will help you sort out what was going on within you that made you reach out to him. You did great with keeping NC for a year, you had a stumble thats all and T will help you sort out what lead you to stumble. Focus on all the positives you have in your life. This will pass, and one day you will stop loving him - you really will.

 

(((Hugs)))

Sunny Soon Xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

Please post in, ClaireFree...let us know how you are doing.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011

Thank you everyone so very much for your support.  I have been severley depressed lately and unable to post in as I have no words right now.  Just surrow.  I messaged him on his birthday.  And than I sent another message a month later telling him that I was misssing him in hopes that he missed me back.  Well he didnt.  I suppose I didnt end it in my heart.  He rejected me.  He just disappeared.  I feel so worthless.  Garbage that you leave out on the curb.  He doesnt care.  I care.  So unbalanced.  I honestly dont know what it is I am trying to convey in this post other than IM SO HURT BEYOND!  What does it feel like to be happy?  I seem to forget what that beautiful feeling is :-( How can I let ONE man put out my spark.  WORST PART for me is rejection!  

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