please let me know what is better

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
please let me know what is better
3
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:24pm
I know I keep hearing about the xmm calling you back and it hurts so bad but in a way at least he picked up the phone to call you no matter what his intentions were. My xmm has not done such a thing and he even asked why I called him last time and he would call me back - that was almost four weeks ago. My hangup is my xmm has moved on not even thinking about me at all to call to see what I wanted - I sounded really down when I called him but he didn't care. If he would call one time then I feel I can walk away with some dignity. I will not call him back for any reason at all so thats a start I know. I know I told him it needed to be over so maybe he is just accepting that now and moving on from me.I have tried to end it three times but keep calling back. The second time I ended it he didn't really call me that much like before and I should have taken a hint from that and thats why I ended it a thrid time but he didn't let me back in this time. It really really hurts and I am having a really bad week. please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:43pm
I can definitely relate...

My exMM and I "broke up" once prior to our final breakup 2 months ago. Sap that I was, I broke down and contacted him about 10 days later (this was after his W threatened to tell my H if I ever contacted him again, and the exMM jerk gave her the tools to do so -- told her my name and work email address!). We started right back where we were soon after that and even got more serious.

The final time he left, 2 months ago, I called him 3 1/2 weeks later. He'd literally disappeared in the meantime. I regret making the call but it finally did hammer home to me that it was over and there was no going back. I said some things that were not nice but I didn't care...he didn't deserve any better.

I have not contacted him since. I saw about a week ago that he'd called my apartment but not left a message. That's literally the only time he's tried to contact me, and he didn't even really want to talk to me, apparently. I was sorely tempted to call him after that, knowing that I must've been on his mind somehow...but I am so glad that I did not.

You are never going to get closure, so continuing to call is just going to prolong your pain. You don't know what he's thinking, and we'd all like to believe they are pining over us the way we are them...but in reality, it DOESN'T MATTER. He's not a part of your life any more, and the sooner you move on, the better off you'll be. Sure, I wish I knew if MM missed me and still cared...but its not worth trying to find out. There are three possibilities if I call or email him:

1. He doesn't respond, making me feel like a complete fool.

2. He responds and tells me to bug off, making me feel like a complete fool.

3. He responds and we start "talking" again. Oh and by the way, if we started up our little fling again...the exact same result would happen, sooner or later...he'd end up back with W and kid, in the meantime undoing all the healing I've worked so hard to accomplish and making me feel even more worthless and foolish.

Okay, NONE of these options is acceptable!!! And its more likely that scenarios 1 and 2 would happen than 3 (though that's not what I want, just using it as an example).

I urge you to do anything you can to keep yourself from calling. Its almost impossible, I know...but talking to him can't do anything but hurt you more.

You CAN walk away with dignity now...just let it end as it has...you will never get that peace of mind you crave. Its just not possible in an A.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:47pm
merehud,

If you really want this to be over, then try to put it in the past.

Maybe that is what he is doing.

No Contact is truly the only way to go - my XMM tried to contact

me and it just made it worse for me. Getting away, sorting out feelings by yourself is really the only way to end it.

Maybe someday the friendship will come, but it seems like he needs

space in the least.

Someone said men just bury their pain, and get over it. They don't like to re-hash things in their minds. They are wired to 'fix' things. If it's over then there is nothing for him to 'fix'.

I know it's hard, but NC is really the best way. Just vent and write to yourself to get your feelings out. It really does help.

I can tell you that I've even stopped counting the weeks now. It's almost as if it doesn't even matter. (But it's still hard on some days).

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:24pm
hi there Merehud--

Dallas wrote a great outline of the possible outcomes when we call the XMM -- we should all tape that list to the inside of our skulls so it's right next to our brains!!!

Meg