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| Mon, 06-13-2005 - 9:58am |
WHY are there so many vindictive posts going on as of late?
"Should I tell his wife" etc. JUST BECAUSE we decided to get involved in a situation that is destined to end crummy... WHY do so many feel the need to go in and ruin another woman's life?
Sure sure sure... "if I were in her shoes I'd want to know my husband is a cheating jerk"... WHAT? You sure weren't thinking about her when YOU provided an avenue for husband to cheat on her!
Why don't we worry about ourselves and getting OUR lives back on track and let exMM's figure out what he wants to do with HIS life! If someone is going to tell his W it SHOULD be HIM - why do so many feel like they need to take the matter into their own hands!?
SOME wives DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They suspect their husband's have cheated but to KNOW... that's a whole nother pain! Who put YOU in charge of imparting that info and emotional hurt on her?
UGH - for some reason this issue REALLY bothers me... I'm sure some will have their REASONS to tell her... but I won't be posting on this post again - I've stated that I think it's a SELFISH thing to do and so I've said my peace! :(

I know that it is a temptation to want to make other people suffer because you are, but the truth is that anyone involved in an A made the choice themselves. Unless the AP led you to believe they were single. You knew that you were cheating with someone else's spouse. Watching my DH suffer with the news and knowing that my XMM family is going happily along seems so unfair. It is not my job to judge other people and pass out punishment so I will take care of myself and be straight before God, who is the only one who knows what is in someone else's heart, and what they are really going through.
My DH may tell XMM's wife, and that is his choice because XMM showed my H the ultimate in disrespect. I never thought too much about XMM's wife and now I feel so sorry for being with her H. It is the worst thing I could do to her and her family. I see that it was so wrong of me, and all of the things I told myself to justify it were just lies. I lied to everyone, including myself.
It's about many things, often several simultaneously.
It's most often about control, or loss of perceived control, & gross manipulation of others is a desperate attempt to regain that illusion of control.
It can be "I'm hurting and you're going to hurt, too," it can be an "If I can't have my way, I'll make sure your way ain't all that great either."
It can also be a last ditch effort to remove the "obstacle" (otherwise known as the living, breathing individual who has the profound misfortune of being his wife) from the path of one's perceived happy-ever-after.
It can be a particularly selfish request of the "obstacle" to suddenly begin policing her husband's actions if we refuse to police or control our own actions all by ourselves.
And, of course, being such practised justifiers and rationalizers, we can convince ourselves we have all the best motives...
Here are some thoughts about break-ups although not specifically affair related. http://codependency101.com/codependent1.html
~LeFeen~
Thank-you LaFeen for your insightful post....
I for one think it is best for affair participants to NOT tell their AP's spouse as a means to assuage their own pain......
cl-nre
I just posted my story and yes I also admit I had thoughts about telling xMM's W. Although I strongly believe she knows her H has cheated on her, because she found one of my text messages I sent to xMM back in January in which I said to xMM:
"I love how you make love to me".
xMM's W read this text. xMM was smooth enough to convince his W and even made me face her and lie to her as well and both xMM and I said to her "Oh, we are just friends." Part of me said, "Jeez, if she believe us, she sure is stupid." Yet, maybe she decided to be in denial to ease her pain. I am sure she KNOWS her H had an A.
Okay, now as far as telling the W's about their H's A. Yes, my A ended and I am hurt, angry, the whole nine yards. Yes, there were times I picked up that phone and wanted to dial xMM's home tel#, but it's something we just say but don't follow thru with it. It's all part of the "hurt" phase.
I strongly believe though, what goes around, comes around. I chose to tell my H about my A. Whether I told him because xMM hurt me and I was in pain, or whether I told him because I felt guilt about my A....I don't know. Bottom line is, I came clean to my H. We can sit here and analyze different things, but I am sure most of us who thought about telling our xMM's W about the A, will NEVER go thru with it.
And yes, I also agree with jstmekc that it's the temptation to want to make other people suffer as well. My xMM led me to believe him he was "single" for a whole month. Plus, he NEVER wore his wedding band until his W found my text message I sent xMM.
I strongly believe he have had other A's before me and I am sure he will have more after me. Eventually he WILL get caught! He will meet the wrong girl and catch some disease and then infect his W.
Yes, it also crossed my mine, I came clean to my H and now who knows what will happen to my M, while xMM is probably going on with his life like nothing happened. He continues to hurt other people (including his family) and still living a lie.
The last I spoke to xMM, I told him that my H knows. I am sure he is scared now that since my H knows anything can happen. Maybe it will make xMM confess to his W as well.
Just my opinion, not to sound harsh. Believe me, I can't even tell you the pain and anger I feel right now towards xMM. I am as much to blame for getting involved in an A, so I take responsibility for my action.
I believe that for many, the idea of telling the MM's W about the A is not to make her suffer -why should she anyways?- but rather to put the MM into trouble and hope that the W will make his life miserable and maybe leave him. Some twisted minds out there could even think that this situation could make the MM come running towards them. Yeah, right...
However, I can understand why some would want to tell the W, because they're angry and want some sort of revenge. Why should the OW be the only one to suffer? It's not fair, really. But when you think rationally about it, telling the W won't solve anything. As porcelain said, "what goes around, comes around." If the MM is a cheating, unrepenting jerk with no feelings for others involved in his relationships he'll eventually get what he deserves in one way or another.
Very well said!!!
I remember a while ago I read someone elses post about the same topic "Should I tell the W about the A?" and there was someone who made a valid point. By telling the W we might do the opposite to MM and not ruin his M, but bring them closer. It happened in my case. I came clean to my H about my A and instead of my H walking out on me, he gave me a second chance and he said he wants to make our M 10x stronger now.
Also, borekath75 made a good point, "Some twisted minds out there could even think that this situation could make the MM come running towards them." He won't. It will probably push away our xMM's more further and will make him even more mad at us.
I am sure anyone involved in an A and after the break up, one way or the other has crossed our minds to tell xMM's W about the A. I admit, I thought about it too, but I won't go thru with it though.
Like I mentioned before "what goes around, comes around." It always came true for me, so I do believe xMM will get HIS share in life. Maye not now, or tomorrow, or the day after, but a year, two years, etc., from now. And I also believe it will be 3x worst for him.
I actually feel sorry for xMM's W, because I am sure she is somehow aware in the back of her mind that her H is a cheating jerk, but just as much as my H forgave me because he loves me to death, maybe that's why xMM's W forgave her H when she read my text message in January. Also, where there are children involved, you do have to think twice before you ruin their lives as well.