The plot thickens

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2010
The plot thickens
8
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 2:58pm

Day 12 - I haven't talked to him but now he keeps calling, texting (I know I know...be careful with what you wish for, right?) . He has something for me (actually a medicinal item for my daughter) and although the last time I saw him I told him to mail it to me, he is now suggesting giving it to me in person and I know I just can't do it. I don't know what his intention is. To see him in the flesh would put me over the edge again. I would want him - I know I would. I would smell him and want to kiss his mouth. I would have to start all over with this recovery! ARGH.

I'm strong and won't call him back but how do I block on the cell phone? I don't see that feature in my phone. Do they get a message of being blocked when they try to call or text? Also, did any of you write a letter to your xAP telling them that this is it, don't contact me anymore, it's wrong, it's over etc? I am thinking of doing this. He's one of those aggressively pursuant types (not abusive, just tenacious) and will likely keep up until I say something definitive like "It's over. Please leave me alone."

Another date tonight with the dinner date guy from the other night and I'm hoping all goes well. The distraction is really nice.

Love, Sunshine Dedicated to living my new life with integrity, truth and positive thoughts! I am worthy of true love and definitely worth the wait!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 3:16pm

Hello!

I am not sure if I have formally welcomed you to the board as I have been away - so welcome (-:

I have a few things I would like to suggest for you to reflect on from your post - and I hope you don't mind. I am 8 months post-affair, and can relate to the things you are feeling & wondering. However, I am past sugar coating things, so here goes:

IF AND ONLY IF you have not told him go away and you think he will continue to try and contact you unless you do not say - GO AWAY - THEN you should send him a quick ONE LINER EMAIL that says simply - DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN - I AM REINVESTING IN MY REAL LIFE AND WILL NOT BE CONTACTING YOU OR RESPONDING TO ANY CONTACT FROM YOU IN THE FUTURE. No little nice remarks, no my heart is breaking, won't stop loving you BS. Short, simple and to the point. No room for confusion. AND THEN whatever you have to do - do it. Throw away the phone or get a new number. No excuses. I don't care what it costs, you do what you have to do to keep yourself safe. Wean yourself off this toxic substance! If you continue allowing him access to you - even if you don't respond - is keeping yourself stuck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 3:35pm

You've heard it from the best... (TU), now hear it from the rest (me!) ;)

Does this dude have some magic pixie dust that only he can harvest and will save your daughter from death, or worse... Cystic acne?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 3:55pm
Oh lol Dee ..you made me choke on my coffee...lol "magic pixie dust that only he can harvest" lol
Anyway Sunshne listen to Tu and Dee they are experts on all of this. NC is the way to go.
MC
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2010
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 5:28pm

Dee I gotta hand it to you, that's pretty damn funny. Pixie dust LOL. OK, no. I can certainly go somewhere else to get it. It really is an excuse he is using to see me. I know it. I'm not the one making it a big deal. He is. I am taking the advice of you lovely smart ladies and calling it BS. Thanks for your input.

Love, Sunshine Dedicated to living my new life with integrity, truth and positive thoughts! I am worthy of true love and definitely worth the wait!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2010
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 5:37pm

hi TU -

thanks for your message. I agree with you on the first part and will take steps to make it clear to him with no sappy BS. Bare bones message - "it's over. I'm moving on"

I didn't word the part about my date right. I don't mean to sound like I am just using him as a distraction. That's not me. I'm not. It just so happens that he is helping me to forget AP. He is very nice guy that I have liked for some time but I was distracted by AP who I was trying to get away from for months. This single guy has been patient and interested since mid summer and I'm taking it to the next level, which is giving it a try for casual dating nothing hugely serious. We have both agreed to take it slow. We are both busy single parents and very busy with our jobs and kids. And yes, I'm ready for a healthy relationship and to see what it really is and what it looks like.

Love, Sunshine Dedicated to living my new life with integrity, truth and positive thoughts! I am worthy of true love and definitely worth the wait!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 6:03pm

Dear Sunshine,

These are your words from a week ago:

"I think I'm sick in the head because I let it all happen and didn't feel a lick of guilt until now. I feel despictable and disgusting and undesirable and desperate. I'm so glad i'll be doing T because I think I have something really wrong with me."

If you were reading these words, would you see the poster as in a good place to be dating? What advice would you give her? And from what I recall this wasn't your first affair? May I suggest that while you might feel like you're ready for a healthy relationship (aren't we ALL), you're not in a healthy place (yet) to offer that to another person. Refer to quote above.

This isn't about shaming you, or pathologizing you, it is about being Real with ourselves. You are just 2 weeks out of an affair ... wherein you wrote this:

"Maybe this is doubly hard because I think that had our situation not changed, we would still be together."

There is a lot of work to be done Sunshine. I am not being unkind or unsupportive - just the opposite. I see red flags all through your post - and that's often the case. We can't see our own distorted thinking and so we call one another on it. It is the gift of this board - that those of us at different parts in the journey will continue to stay the path with newer members who can learn from our many mistakes and successes. It all starts and ends with careful and mindful introspection into ourselves and the choices that we made.

I hope the other single women will chime in to share how long their own healing took before they were ready to date.

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 6:23pm

Sunshine,

I agree with TU that you should send a brief "Stick a fork in me, I'm done!," email. I also agree with Dee that we have to recognize

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 7:30pm

ROFLMAO.