Poem: He Says/She Says

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Poem: He Says/She Says
7
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 2:48pm
This is a poem I wrote a couple of hours ago. It really sums up my relationship with MM pretty well. I was always practical and results oriented and he was always romantic and living in a fantasy world. This is pretty much how our entire relationship went and this is exactly how it was during my recent ten day slip.

He Says/She Says

He says, I love you and I can't live without you.

She says, But you're married.

He says, My love, my darling, my sweetheart, you're the girl for me.

She says, What about your wife?

He says, You are the love of my life. I don't love anyone else the way I love you.

She says, Why don't you leave your wife then?

He says, I want more than anything to hear your voice and see your face every day and hold you in my arms.

She says, If you love me so much how about leaving your wife and getting a divorce?

He says, I know we're meant to be together. I feel it. I feel so wonderful around you.

She says, So, when are you leaving your wife?

He says, My darling, I love everything you say to me.

She says, So how about a divorce?

He says, She isn't willing to give me a divorce.

She says, I love you very much, but I need someone who is free to be with me.

He says, I will be free someday soon.

She says, When is soon?

He says, She is willing to give me a divorce, but she won't pay for it, and as you know I can't afford it.

She says, Why don't you borrow some money?

He says, You are so lovely, so beautiful, a joy, a wonder.

She says, Listen, I've found some firms that can grant you a cheap and quick divorce.

He says, You mean the world to me and the thought of being without you just really tears me up and makes me feel empty.

She says, I found you places where you can get a cheap divorce and I'm also sending you the number of someone who has a cheap apartment available, so you can move out.

He says, Oh darling, you are such a sweet delightful creature, and I love all your sweet communications.

She says, Listen buddy, I've done everything I can for you. You can get a quick and cheap divorce and I have found you a place to live. Please don't contact me until you're free to be with me.

He says, Oh my darling, oh my dear, oh sweet love of my life, etc.

He goes on and on and on in this vein, but the one thing he can never do is face reality and take responsibility and just be honest with himself, with his wife and with the other woman.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?





iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 5:06pm
Yup, sounds mighty familiar to me! Did you read the poem I posted a couple of weeks ago? It was a very similar thing. Hmm....we weren't seeing the same guy, were we? LOL

Beautiful writing! It helps ease some of the hurt away, doesn't it?

Stay strong!

Kat

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 9:22am
Iamdelightful - I had to respond to this because I am also single and have been involved with a MM. I also do believe it is good to explore the differences in our situations in order to find even more clarity and move forward.

I found your poem a little disturbing because it essentially described a man who is in complete denial about his life. Either that or he is fully aware of his actions, but feeding his ego is what he cares about most.

The only similarity I have in my situation with yours is that at times, the MM has closed up and doesn't want to talk about certain issues. I am aware that all men have times when they are faced with something disturbing to them, that they often want to go into seclusion and analyze the issue rather than talk about it. But normally those same men will come out of seclusion and be ready to talk. Sounds crazy I know, but again we are women, therefore different. But the MM in my life has talked with me about what is real and what he knows he needs to do.

You can't shock this guy into seeing his true life or facing reality because the impression your poem gave is that he has no desire to come to terms with everything. Why should he? What you and any other single lady here needs to fully understand and accept is that a MM who is not being faithful to his W wouldn't have the capactiy to be faithful to you until he gets help for the reasons he has a tough time dealing with every day reality. I believe the lies are a byproduct of deeper issues that he is refusing to deal with. And they could be anything from the way his W has treated him in his marriage to things that happened when he was young. The most important truth for you to not only see but accept is that he is a troubled man. And you can't have a relationship with anyone who is or it will bring you down. Now, if he wanted help for his issues, that would be a different story. Then you could help him but whoa, that is dangerous water my friend and would have to be handled with kid gloves. I use that term because there really wouldn't be room for anything romantic during that time.

The pattern the MM and I have had is that we both allowed ourselves to slip into fantasy so when one of us would begin to accept what reality is, we would also face it together. That's the only way I know how to describe the difference in my situation to what you described. The MM in my life knows he has one of two choices. Either deal with all the issues both personally or in his marriage with his W or find someone he loves and trusts enough to be able to truly be himself. You see, I believe a lot of these men reach a point in their marriage where they have to put on a show for their W's - and one can only deny their true self for so long. I believe an affair manifests itself this way.

Please continue with no contact and work on your acceptance of what is in this relationship you have. He isn't in a place in his life to be able to give you a healthy relationship. What you and I along with all the other ladies who end up on this board who are single and involved with a MM must realize is that a divorce wouldn't fix his problems. He knows that even if he hasn't shared it with you. He knows deep down inside that the problem isn't with his W, but with him.

To live in fantasy is to live like a child. To stay in a marriage that is destroying him as a person makes him a coward. To find excuses to stay in his marriage keeps him on the fence. And to have you to be on that fence with him, keeps him comfortable.

Continue to stay away...work on your own acceptance and you will move forward much faster. Now I didn't say no contact as in you can never speak to the man again, but for now, you are NOT strong enough to deal with him as only a friend. The fact is, you are and may always be his lover from an emotional standpoint so there isn't room for a real friendship until that has passed.

Hugs and please take care of YOURSELF.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 11:20am
That sounds very familar. It's like their not listening to the real issues; all my MM (ex)does is tell me over and over again how much he truly loves me and can't wait to be with me forever and can't stand going home every night to his wife...that he doesnt even like anymore let alone love. He swears that our affair was different from everyone else that's having one...he calls it true love! (one day hopefully I'll be able to laugh about how naive I've been). Anyway, they'll just keep doing it until we tell them to shut up for good.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 11:52pm
I'm not sure I remember your poem, Kat. Can you post it again please?
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 11:57pm
Yes, GT, you're very right. He IS a very troubled man, and that's what I was trying to portray in this poem. When I was deep into the relationship I didn't realize just how troubled he was. As time went on, I realized it more and more. He simply can't deal with reality, at least emotional reality, very well. He's aware he has a problem and he has been in therapy. He continues to be in therapy, and this is a good thing.

He is dishonest and lies a lot in order not to hurt people's feelings, that's how he sees it. He's smart, handsome, clever, funny man, always well-dressed (by his wife!), soft-spoken, kind and considerate (to the outside world). To the women he's involved with I think he's downright evil.

It's amazing how big the difference between how a man seems and how he actually is can be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 8:18am
Well, probably shouldn't post but I couldn't resist and I not sure what type of replies I'll get but here it goes... My situation turned out a little different. I met MM this winter and there was an instant attraction but I did my best to stay away (I'm single). He took this as me being cold but we had some long talks about how we felt and where he was in his marriage. He's been unhappy for a couple of years and was at the beginning of thinking of leaving. I knew this could last for years so I tried to stay away but 3 months of us going to the same bar after a league we were both on, I drank too much and didn't have a ride home so couldn't resist. In a drunken moment, he drove me home, we kissed and he left. One week later, he wanted to talk so I said yes and he came over and we talked and kissed for about 3 hours. I left it with him that I'd feel more comfortable being in his life if I knew he had a plan on leaving his W. About 3 days later I got a call from him and he told his wife he was no longer in love with her and she went out of control and kicked him out. He decided to stay with a friend and came over to my house before going to his friends. He was so grateful that I was still talking with him and even though we both knew the best thing to do is stay away until this thing blows over, we both couldn't. He has now been on his own for about 6 weeks and we see each other almost everyday. The reason I'm staying is that he has followed through on everything he said he would do: He got a place to stay, he bought a cell phone so I could call him, he got his own PO Box., he spoke w/ a lawyer. It's not easy for him right now but I'm deciding to be there for him. Though I do not give him any advice on his situation, because he has to get through that on his own, I am there for him to support him and care about him. We both enjoy each other so much and have so much hope for the future.

I don't want to give anyone hope for staying w/ MM if they want more because I know my situation is very, very rare and I feel like I'm going to be one of the lucky ones. I know the road ahead isn't going to be easy but I'm in my mid-thirties, never been married, and have been through my share of relationships and I know he is sincere and what we have is real. Everyday it gets even more clear.

So, lastly, I would just say that this doesn't work for anyone but like I said, the only way I could remain in his life is if he keeps moving forward on this D and that is exactly what he's doing.

Sorry for all the people who got hurt by their MM- I know my situation could have gone either way.

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 8:32pm
Don't mean to burst your bubble, but my MM left his wife also, only things didn't go as we had planned. He felt extremely guilty and she was devastated and they continued to see each other and be in daily contact. As time went on I started to get more and more upset about it and he started to get angry with me and he was frozen in time. So just be careful, ok? Going through a divorce, no matter what the reason, is an extremely painful process and it can render someone unavailable emotionally, for a long time, no matter how much they love you. Be careful.