Pointless

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Pointless
2
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:56pm

Sitting here tonight realizing how incredibly pointless it all is. Not that I haven't known this all along.

My story in a nutshell...had A that lasted a little over a year. Stopped seeing him and talking to him about seven months ago. Had absolutely NC for about four months. In the last three months or so, it's been just phone calls. Have not seen him. He calls me, wants to talk to me, tells me he misses me, yada yada yada. But he hasn't made any attempt to get together with me, nor I him. I feel (almost) like I am right back where I was before. I'm back to thinking about him all the time and wanting to see him. I haven't made an attempt. Partly because his situation is different now than when we were together before. He has a tremendous amount of responsibility and can't get away much, this I know. And because of that, he will probably say "no", and I don't want to hear it. Partly, also, because I know it isn't a good idea and I shouldn't. But in my heart, I want to. Not all the time, but enough that it is bothering me. I just don't even know what to think anymore. It's like he thinks that we are going to be in contact with each other for the rest of our lives. Like there's no way that we can truly be apart, yet we ARE apart. I know that he talks about me all the time to a mutual friend, and that he really does care about me, but he also is very spineless, and I know that he will never change his situation. The only way that this man is ever going to be out of that sham of a marriage is if she pulls the plug. And while my situation with him is pointless, that marriage is even more so. And I just don't get it. On the one hand, he has a wife who does whatever she wants, treats him like crap, drinks too much, goes out all the time, doesn't help out with the kids or the home and makes him feel bad all the time. Not just his words, I know for a fact that it's all true. On the other, he has someone in his life that treated him with respect and decency, showed him affection, made love with him, took care of him as much as she could, laughed with him, cried with him and made him feel like a million bucks. Yet, he chooses that over the other. I know that there's kids involved. But why do couples think that it's better to stay together unhappily just because there's kids? Wouldn't it be better for the kids to see two parents happy in their own lives than miserable with each other? I just don't understand. And I have never EVER asked him to leave. I guess I'm smart enough to know that it isn't the thing to do.

I know that all of this is just ridiculous, but sometimes I just yearn to touch him again. To have him touch me. There was a powerful and undeniable chemistry between the two of us. I miss that and wonder if I will ever have it again with another man. I'm not sure I ever had it before. I wonder how I am ever going to completely let go of my thoughts and desires and feelings towards him. And how he is going to be able to do it towards me. Why don't we just let each other go? Not being able to truly be with him in any sense is downright tortuous. I pray for the strength to just let go completely and not look back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: gal_inapickle
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 8:56pm
Hey there..you posted and the words were so similar to what I'm dealing with ... My MM has a wife who drinks too much, isn't a great mom, treats him horribly..and he stays with her. (For the kids..yet I think, how is this good for those kids??!) And his responsibilities are so much so that he can't get away to see me..and when he gets overwhelmed with responsibility (he runs his own business) thats when he backs off and or ends things with me. He admitted to me that this happens..that he can't maintain relationships well when he's got too much to deal with, so he just shuts down..
I am trying to move past this and have it over for good but it is hard. I have a hard time not wondering what he's doing, or how he is.just hate..having to try to forget a person that I had daily contact with for so long..
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
In reply to: gal_inapickle
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 8:42pm

Lea:

I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand how you feel completely. Same thing on this end. He takes care of everything at home. She does next to nothing. Goes out all the time. Parties. Does whatever the hell she wants, and he just accepts it. Sure, he gets upset with her when she gets off of work at 7:00 p.m. and shows up at home at 1:00 a.m. after partying. He may even exchange some words with her, but then it's right back to the same thing. I know exactly how she is. I met her before I ever met him. I didn't plan on this A happening with him, but it did. Overall, I think he's a pretty good guy. But he is incredibly spineless. She runs the show in that household. Especially now because he hasn't been working, so she brings in the money. And because he isn't working, his free time is even less. Basically next to none. Oh, sure, he can get away to see friends or go out with her. But I know that if I were to proposition him to get together with me, he would say he can't get away. So, I say nothing. Actually, not just because of that, but also because I know that all it would do is lead to heartache for me. Who the hell needs that, right? I sure don't. Actually, in many ways, my attraction to him is starting to wane. How can you remain attracted to someone who allows themselves to be treated like she treats him? He says he stays because of the kids, but I say "bull" to that. Sure, that's a large part of it, I have no doubt. But that isn't all of it. He's had his family (whom dislikes her) offer to help him out if he leaves her. Those kids are little. They're not at the age where it would make as significant an impact as if they were teens or something. Actually, the time to leave her is now, while they are still young. And I don't say that because of me. I say it because their marriage is a joke, and he deserves so much better. It doesn't really have to be me. But he stays.

As for him in relation to me, I had everything to give him. I'm good looking, fun, like to do a lot of things (than just drinking and sleeping and spending every dime they have), I'm intelligent, have a good job, make decent money, keep a clean house (as opposed to her pigstye), and I cared deeply for him. Unlike her, I loved being around him! But he's chosen her over me time and time again. And I don't mean in the sense of running off with me. I mean every time he doesn't call because she's home, he's choosing her. I know he could go to a gas station or something to call me. But he doesn't. For whatever reason, he's willing to stay there. Too bad for him. His loss. I know I could check in with him five years from now and it would still be the same crap. Oh, and did I mention her screwing around, which she has done with several people, and is still doing, by the way. I know this because of our mutual friend. She rips on him all the time behind his back and says she stays with him because he's a "good dad and loyal". Well, I guess one out of two ain't bad. That's just how she is. She can be unfaithful, but it doesn't even enter her mind that he just might not be, that's how self-absorbed she is.

Anyway...sounds like we have similar stories. My hope is for us both to be able to get past this stupidity.