Poll inspired by GT's post

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Poll inspired by GT's post
4
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 7:50am
GT said in her post yesterday that being MW/MM and ending an EMA is different from being single and ending an EMA. What are you experiences and feelings? Are you single or married? I can only speak of myself as a MW what my feeling have been after ending my EMA.

Here's mine 1) Guilt everytime you look into your h's eyes 2) Anger for all the hurtful/demeaning things I was made to go through due to a "few good friends" that knew about my EMA 3)Wasted time waiting for closure in my EMA 4)comprehension of what has happening to me in the last few weeks, mostly bad 5) that wonderful feeling of being in the clear, mentally. I should have posted put this first. LOL Good for my sanity 6) I deserve much better than what I got from my MM and EMA. 7) God works little miracle into our lives.

NLI


Edited 5/4/2003 9:18:17 AM ET by new_life_iv

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 8:31am
Good question - I think the answers of the others will be very interesting to read!

I am a MW (was with a MM). My experiences, 4 1/2 months after...

Relief that I don't have to lie all the time, but remaining guilt for what I did and the betrayal of my H.

Improved mental health and the ability to smile again, but still fighting the remains of the depression that accompanied the affair. I don't cry every day now, but I still cry.

I'm able to think about other things besides XMM 24/7 and I'm starting to do the things I used to enjoy doing but stopped during the affair. Hobbies, even household chores - all were put aside during the affair.

I've discovered that I have a marriage I want to save. But I also discovered, through the affair, that what I thought was a good marriage actually has a lot of problems and a lot of work to do if it is going to be saved. And I no longer feel absolutely 100% sure that I will grow old with my H - I used to "know" that...

I've lost my innocence... my naivete... the part of me that was sheltered enough to believe that "good people don't do bad things"... I see the world more clearly now. I judge less, I admit that even "good" people can get caught up in things and make bad choices and hurt others. And that not everyone I thought was a kind giving person is really so - sometimes it's all an act just to get what they want.

My experience is that this is the most painful thing I ever went through... the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. I don't know who I am anymore, but I've grown up a lot. I am maybe more cynical, I had to put away my rose-colored glasses. I am also stronger than I ever knew, and I'm just starting to think that maybe, even if the world crashes around me (and it still could), I will survive.

Glinda

Avatar for callistus
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 8:34am
Mornings are good for me...a very introspective time.

I'm single and when things ended mumblemumblemumble years ago I was pretty much ambivilant about the whole situation. My feelings were, "well she went back to her husband, time to find a real girlfriend." Now these years later, more mature and aware of other people's feelings I'm embarrassed and ashamed for not caring whether she went back to her husband. I'm ashamed of being a complete hypocrite for not really respecting her because she was cheating on her husband...duhhh, hello and what was I doing? Embarrassed because I didn't really care about anyone but myself and my own needs.

Come to think about it, even when I almost got caught she was the last thing on my mind. I was only worried about...Me. Boy what a piece of work I was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 12:52pm
NLI:

I am married. But I don't have that much guilt towards what I have done to my husband. I have tried to express my wants and needs and dreams to my husband and he just doesn't seem to get that I want more from life than what we have right now. I have more guilt for what I have put my som through. The "I love you's" (I really do love him in many ways), the "I am going to leave my marriage", etc. It has made me feel horrible to have misled (not on purpose, I lack courage to go for what I want in my life). But I will never play with anyone else's emotions. I really have deep feelings for OM but had no right to those feelings without being free to do so!!!

Karry

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 1:16pm
What are you experiences and feelings? Are you single or married?

Prior to my A, I was a divorced/single business woman, owned my own business for five years, was blessed with an investor, opened an office and was on top of my game professionally. During that time because my professional life was at an all time high, I began to focus on my personal life which had been lacking. But after two failed marriages, I had decided through prayer and an open conversation with God that I would in fact accept living the rest of my life on my own if it was God's will and that if there was such a thing as a soulmate, mine either wasn't alive or lived very far away. Within a very short time period, in walked the MM into my life after having been torn out of my life twenty two years prior. He was my first love. At first there was email communication and phone calls, followed by a visit within six months and another a short two months after. We live over 1000 miles apart.

When I realized my A needed to end, it was a year later. I was so emotionally destraught because I wanted nothing more than to be with the one who had always been the husband in my heart. He was and is the only man who could ever have my whole heart. But he was/is married. We both had the knowledge that it was a fantasy we were living but neither of us could let go. We had begged each other to let the other go on more occasions than I can count. But we both finally realized that we were miserable being apart as well as together as we were and couldn't continue for the sake of his family and my heart as well as my sanity. We knew that our relationship had gone as far as it could in the context of an A without crossing boundary lines we both knew we'd never recover from. We had only one of two choices. Either we let go or take our relationship to the next level of intimacy and in order to do the second, we had to both disrespect our basic principals. We knew that to make anything real out of what we had experienced would be to respect each other's needs and walk away. Anything less wouldn't be considered love in our book and we both needed it to be real, if only for a moment in time.

I have two posts today that I have decided to write and it will explain what I've learned and how the name Guardedticker came to be. The most important thing I learned was that I needed to be true to myself which meant that I had to do what was right because I was raised with morals and beliefs. In participating in the A, I had gone against what I believe and came very close to losing my very soul. That was what was real for me and why I ended my A.

Hugs to everyone.

GT