To Posie, and Free
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| Sun, 01-09-2005 - 1:52pm |
Hello there ladies,
First of all I want to say thank you for all the wonderful advice and kicks in the butt you both have given me the past few months. I love everyone here, but I think I take the most comfort in the replies that I get from the 2 of you. Posie, I love you because you're so sincere and give advice most lovingly and sensitively and sometimes I just feel the need to have someone feel sorry for me and my situation and I get that from you. Free, I love you because there are those other times when I really just need to get tough, QUIT feeling sorry for myself, get my sh*it together and quit making excuses and blaming MM for the way things have happened, when it's really me who's allowing it. You give me that no nonsense kick in the a55 when I need it. So again I thank you both!!
Posie, I think I pretty much know your story about you and xMM and the fact that you left, went to be with him, had his daughter, and went back to h. I was wondering how long your A has been over?
Free, I've read so many of your replies to me and other posters on here but unfortunately I think I got to this board a little too late to know your story. I believe you are married but I don't know anything about the A that you were in, how it started, how it ended, how long it lasted, if he's married or single? I'm sure you've told your story over and over again but would you mind just one more time for me and maybe the newbies who don't know you as well?
And one last thing to both of you. You are both an inspiration to me because I know that you are definately done with your affairs and have come so far in your progress to give us the best insight and advice. I wonder though, do either of you still miss your XMM at all? Do you ever think of him and have warm thoughts of the A? And also I know this would NEVER happen, but do you think that if you initiated contact with your XMM and wanted to fire up the A again that they would be game? Do you think they would take you back?
I can't wait to be where you guys are in your progress. OVER IT!!! But I know I can't get there until I put an end to this insanity!! In order to get over it, I guess I have to really let it go first. Thank you both for reading this. I just wanted you to know that you have both helped me greatly, I know I'm very wishy washy about the whole thing, but I honestly think I would be much worse if it weren't for you. Thanks for anwering my questions on this post and all my others also! I truly appreciate it!!
PAL

Hiya Pal,
Thanks for the kind words, and I'm glad you're finding everyone's posts here helpful.
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I'm A-free for 7mos now. I ended my A in Jan 04, however, I had a major backslide in May 04 so I ended my A and ceased all contact with exOM in June 04.
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No, I don't miss exOM at all. Who I loved never existed except within my & exOM's own minds. There is no one real to miss. Most especially, though, I do *not* miss who *I* was during my affair and that's far more important to me.
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Sure I think of exOM, hard not to when I look at our daughter 24/7 LOL. When I think of exOM I remember the pain we inflicted on others in our selfish needs-meeting feeding-frenzy. Our daughter's the only good thing to come of my affair, although I'm certain exOM's DP would understandably present an altogether different perspective.
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I am quite certain exOM would be only too delighted to take up where we left off. Quite apart from it wouldn't be healthy for either exOM or for me, it's not something I actually want. I guess this kinda falls under the same header of:- A frog doesn't have a pocket, but if he *DID*, well he could keep a gun in there to shoot snakes, but he doesn't, so he can't, so it doesn't really matter...
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Yup. When you're ready to start putting yourself first rather than settling for whatever cackapookie MM deigns to serve up from the crumbs of his marital table, then you'll be ready. Until you make an active decision to end it, you won't. Until you set those boundaries -AND- maintain them rigidly, you simply lose more & more of yourself and your self-esteem. In all things, it's *your* choice, Pal.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Pal
As Ms P said thank you for the kind words we all like to here them from time to time.
JUST THE HIGHLIGHTS
1)First affair 14 months
2)Second "almost" affair about 4 months pure emotion nothing else at all, briefly the second guy (single widower) was and is a truly decent human being and could see the harm that would be done end helped stop it before it got out of hand, after this one IC was sought out, it helps if your prepared to face the problems in "YOU" that allowed you to deal with your problems in such a unhealthy way. How you deal with the problems in your life reflects on you as a person not on the other people in your life even if they are the problem.
Back to #1, Spouse emotionaly abusive for about 10 or so years, MM was co-worker and as I learned later a serial cheater (has sense moved on to other affair(s) ) and in his own way no less abusive then spouse, told me all sorts of rubbish about WIFE, the standard cheating married man crap. To make a long story short I met her repeatedly over time at the club SHE IS A GREAT PERSON, I could not continue to do it to her no problem at the time doing it to spouse was getting nothing but SH$T at home felt justified, Ended it at about the 10 month mark for the first time did so about 5- 6 times before it stayed over, It helped that I moved to the head office in another city for the next couple of years.
Do I miss MM NO HE IS A NO GOOD TURD in my eyes, he would have continued playing with my head\heart and body as long as possible, sorry to have to disagree with some folks but some of these guys are scumbags that or there emotionaly challanged.
SM I still know, he is still a nice guy, If single him I would date, but I am not and he will not be much longer.(getting married to a nice lady)
What changed in my marriage was me at first, I learned to say NO to abuse, I learned to stand up for my rights and that I was intitled to a certain standard of treatment, DH has slowly adjusted, he was acting the way he learned to from his parents, he still has periods of backsliding but I do not put up with them for ONE SECOND and he gets back on track pretty quickly these days and his backsliding continues to decrease as time goes on.
The most important changes were in me, how I see myself and how I choose to respond to the way people treat me, somebody elses attitude toward me does not determine how I respond to them anymore. (most of the time anyway).
Pal I hope that answers your questions.
Free to be me
Free,
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You seem like such a strong person. I was surprised to read that it took you a few times to end your A. It also helps me think that maybe I CAN do it afterall. Do you think you would've gone back again if you hadn't moved? I hate to think that the only way I will get over this is by leaving town. (just kidding. Actually, when NC does go into effect, it is highly unlikely our paths will ever cross unless it is just coincidence. This summer, however, we go to the same events on Fri and Sat, so I'm hoping to get this done with and be over it before then, so seeing him won't bother me.)
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Even though you feel this way now, was it painful for you to end your A the last time?
And did your DH ever find out about it?
Sorry, guess I had a couple more questions! Thanks for being so open.
PAL
Thanks for your quick response Posie, as always! I always have so many questions!! Was it hard for you to go back to your DH? Did you still endure the pain of losing XOM? And did he try to convince you not to go back? What made you decide you wanted to be with H instead of OM? Sorry. If I'm too nosey you can tell me to bug off. Your answers help me though!! Thanks again!!
PAL
Hiya Pal,
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Nope, remarkably easy, in fact, I'd say it felt natural. It was done slowly, and we were still living in separate houses. Don't forget DH & I had remained close friends and each others' staunchest supporters even while we were separated. I ended finally with exOM in May 04 and in July DH & I decided to try MC together - actually we both thought it was towards negotiating an amicable divorce but the MC spotted what neither of us actually thought to hope for and that was that we actually still had an enormous amount of love & respect for one another. In November 04, I rented my place out and moved back into the matrimonial home.
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Well, angry at first at this point in May 04. I'd done the pain thing first time I ended it in Jan 04 and sought counselling since anyone screwed up enough to be having an affair needs their head examined. In individual counselling I'd been working out that nothing had been done to me that I'd not permitted, enabled and encouraged so I couldn't give myself the luxury of calling myself a victim. If exOM was a cheater, so was I. If exOM was a turd, I was just as big a turd. It's hard to feel the pain of losing someone who's been a turd when you can't escape the fact that you've been every bit as big a turd.
<<< And did he try to convince you not to go back?>>>
Yes, repeatedly and as recently as last month. This is one of the reasons it's so important to cut off the exAP's methods of communication. Each time he emails from a different email address, it's another one to add to the blocked sender file.
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It took me long enough, but I recognised what unconditional love looked like when I looked in DH's eyes. He loved me for who I am, warts & all, not how he looked as reflected back to him in my eyes. It also rammed home just how much of a selfish needs-meeting feeding-frenzy I'd had with exOM which was about as far away as a healthy love relationship a couple could possibly get. Left undiscovered (specifically my discovery that exOM's exDP wasn't quite as ex a DP as he'd made out) exOM & I would, no doubt, have eaten each other alive. DH, on the other hand, well, damn, I nearly missed out on the one good thing I ever did have. I'm one seriously fortunate lady that DH gave me the time and the chance to work that out all by myself.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Pal
Back then I was no different then anybody else that posts here today, Time and experience along with good councel got me were I am at today, and as anyone reading my posts can tell it is far from perfect but I think more clear headed then back then hopefully with a lot more self honesty.
It would have ended move or no move, the move made NC a lot easier, but I did transfer back in time and do still see AP from time to time, but it no longer means anything to me.
It was not easy to end it but the pain simply out weighted what I was getting, I got tired of rotting out from the inside doing what I was doing, again at the time it was more about what I was doing to his wife that got to me, these days I realize I was also destroying myself a day at a time.
Recovery has not been quick or painless but it has been worth it.
No DH does not know.
Posie, you just crack me up sometimes!
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OK, could you please explain to us "westerners"....exactly what is a cackapookie?
CG
Apologies for the strange vocabulary, CGU,
Cackapookie is an even nicer way of saying cowpats!
Family in-joke, as a wee kiddie, my youngest brother couldnt get his mouth around the word: Caca-poopie. It simply became cackapookie over the years and sometimes it just slips out, even in typing lol
Posie