Posie - you would be proud of me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Posie - you would be proud of me
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 4:43pm
Although I have started to cry alot now, and be obsessed with thoughts and wanting to call him this weekend - I did not.

xMM and another friend came to my house yesterday to watch a football game with my H - I was supposed to come home from house sitting yesterday morning - but I stayed away. I wanted sooooooooo bad to go home and just pretend to grab the checkbook and say hi to everyone and then leave - I wanted him to see my face......but I did not go.

I cried and cried all afternoon. I wanted the phone calls that did not come - I wanted him to be sad when he saw my pictures all over the house - I felt week and carried my phone with me everywhere......no call came from him. And no call has come today - I should be thankful - but I feel weak.

BUT!! I did not contact him, he never saw my face because I did not go home till 7pm, it was my one chance to see him because its been 2 weeks - but I was strong in that sence, I knew that I am in grief mode right now - and it would only be worse and take longer if I saw his face.

I kept telling myself - no matter whether his feelings for me are true or not - we agreed that the A was over. Yes, I have received his random calls, but if he really wants to be with me in a real relationship - he will get a D and so will I.

I cried and cried because I gave so much emotion to him - and he to me - but we did it in secret, and that means we were never real. I cried for his W who my H said he spoke to last week and sounds mentally unstable......he said he had no respect for her due to all that she did to my xMM over the past 2 years and now acts like her life is over because he wants out.....my H said that he cant understand why xMM (not that he knows he's my xMM) just doesnt leave, why does he feel that he has to make her feel ok with filing the papers.....I still felt terrible.

I cried and had to pull over on the freeway because I thought about my last conversation with xMM and how he was being chased around town by his W and how she came to his rented house and refused to go twice last week and rolled herself up in a rug and screamed over and over at the top of her lungs......scaring him, and how he said that she has been acting like this since February (long before we had started the A).

I feel for her, for him. How he is scared she will commit suicide if he files - she has said it many times....to him, to me and to others.

And I cried because I felt so sorry for myself. Remembering the things he has said and how horrible he sounds - and knowing that he cares and wants to be with me - and then I would get mad, and think that he really didn't.....I confused myself into a sobbing mess.

But all I have is my pride left - and I wont call. If he calls from a payphone I wont know its him until I pick up the phone - and I will ask him is his call is about damage control, if it is not, I will nicely tell him that I can not move with my life if he calls to say "I miss you, I wish I could hold you and the world would just go away...." I will tell him I do want to be with him, but not to call me until both he and his W have filed for a D -

How can I feel so strong and so weak at the same time? I feel crazy myself.

I think my punishment for my A is being so in love with xMM. Knowing him for 8 years, and living with him for 3 months felt so real to both of us...........

It was the guilt in the end that got to him.........guilt for betraying my H - his good friend.

Why has the guilt not hit me - AM I HORRIBLE!!! or is all this crying and grief a combination of everything.