Posiepops, me again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Posiepops, me again
5
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 1:15pm
Thanks again. Please feel free to say anything to me that you think will help. I do not get offended. Yes, I do need to get this over with. One thing that I want to bring to your attention is that Ex-OM does not know that I am dating my exhusband unless someone has told him. I haven't told him anything. I haven't had a personal discussion with him in a couple of months. So as far as I know, he doesn't know who I'm dating. I still wish he would have just told me that there was no future for us and not to get a divorce because of him.
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anonymous user
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 2:43pm

Hiya SG,

<<>>

Lying, even by omission, is not a great place to begin/resume a relationship, is it?

Presumably, exH is equally unaware that he's immediately off the team if exOM starts sniffing around. People generally tend to get a mite tetchy when they work out they are disposable...

Whether or not anyone ever discovers anything, what exactly are your actions saying, SG?

<<>>

You have and have always had control over nothing more than your own actions. You chose to divorce and while there may have been hope at one time for it, there was never any guarantee that exOM would still be around to pick up the slack.

I've found counselling/therapy enormously helpful in working out just what the he11 it is I want and need out of life and of myself. I thoroughly recommend it, SG.

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 3:11pm
Posie, I am in counseling, the early stages of it. Exhusband and I are just dating. That is all. To be honest and to answer your question, I want to be with ex-OM. I'd be with him right now if I knew that he wanted me. You also speak like I should have told Ex-OM that I am seeing my exhusband. Why should I have told him that? Since you think that he doesn't want me, why would I owe him an explanation as to who I am dating? Curious about this one. Please explain.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 4:45pm

Hiya SG,

<<>>

Good stuff. Perhaps it would be helpful to discuss these things with your therapist.

<<>>

Provided you are both on the same page, this isn't an issue. It's when exH isn't aware that he is disposable or that he is simply keeping the seat warm for exOM on the off chance exOM should show an interest that it starts pinging warning bells.

Wouldn't it just plain suck to be in your exH's shoes - hopeful of a reconciliation, or building something better than you had before and not having any idea you were actually wholly & utterly disposable? I've known some fencesitters in my time, and even straddled the fence myself, but you've raised it to an artform, SG - You are fencesitting even though you're divorced!

<<>>

So dating exH is serving what function? Killing time? Keeping that open as a possibility

<<>>

No, that wasn't my intent. I questioned how it might appear to exOM were he to discover that you were dating exH. I also asked what it says about your actions versus your expressed hopes of being with exOM.

<<< Why should I have told him that? Since you think that he doesn't want me, why would I owe him an explanation as to who I am dating?>>>

Well, what exactly do you intend to tell exOM about your present relationship with your exH?

Regardless of whether or not exOM wants you, why would who you are dating be something that you would feel the need to keep secret or quiet? People talk, families talk, even friends & colleagues & neighbours talk. If it *is* something you'd rather not get back to exOM, you might clue in exH so he doesn't leak the information inadvertently.

My point to all this is that beginning or even resuming a relationship when it is based on lies (even if by omission) is not exactly a great starting point.

*IF* you wish to start some kind of relationship with exOM and *IF* he is open to this and *IF* your dating exH does get back to exOM rather than you telling him about it yourself openly and honestly, well, how do you expect exOM would view it especially *IF* he has great difficulty in trusting women having been, as you say, burnt before?

Again, this is all 100% pure speculation and the only person that has any real answers for you is exOM himself. Run this stuff by your therapist, too, I sure his/her input would be valuable.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 5:29pm
Okay Posie, you got me. I guess I am the worlds worst fence sitter. I don't mean to be like that. My emotions just have me so screwed up. I want to be with Ex-OM. I have always wanted him from the day that I met him 10 years ago. I have got to get this out in the open and talk to OM about it. I am going to lay all the cards out on the table when we talk. I have to know one way or the other if there will ever be an "us". I am also going to talk to my exhusband and make sure that we are on the same page as far as our dating goes. Forgive me for appearing to be such a jerk. I didn't intend for it to look that way. I am just very much in love with OM and I have no doubt that he is the one for me. I will have that talk with him and I will be prepared to go home and cry my eyes out. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 5:43pm
Posie, I will tell OM about the situation with exhusband and I will be honest with him about it. I will tell him everything and what I really want so that he understands that exhusband and I are are just dating. I don't want to keep it from him. I will be completely honest with him about everything and I won't leave anything out. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.