a positive view of my A
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a positive view of my A
| Tue, 01-26-2010 - 7:36am |
I imagine I am going to get some flack for this, but here is my perspective: XAP came into my life when I had been in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for 20+ years. He was the first person in my life to hold it up for me in a way I could see it. Result of all of this, now that it's over I can tell you it was the best thing that ever happened to my marriage. I want to preface this by saying my husband is an unusual person who grew up in difficult circumstances. He knows everything and accepts 100% responsibility for not meeting my needs. He is in therapy, working on his issues, learning to be the partner I need and deserve. So while I'm not saying it's a good idea, I have suffered terrible hurt, the A was the catalyst for healing in my marriage and I can't see this as a bad thing. Unusual, yes. But positive. This helps me let go. The purpose was served and it's time to move on.

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Hi
As a total Newbie and only on NC day 4 I really am in no position to comment but I think that is brilliant !! I have just been on another post ranting at justanotherman to try and change his attitude and instead of focussing on the past and all he thought he had lost (most of which was illusory anyway) to focus on the future and all he had to gain.
So I say round of applause to you and you keep remembering this post.
Movingon x x
Hey, gemini-
I think what you said is dangerous but I have to admit I feel the same way. I have been trying to get over me xap and re-engage in my m at the same time.
My h is aware of the a (not the gory details, but he knows enough). He sees why I went down the a path...and now understands I need to be heard when I say what I need (however, I'm not blaming him for the a). So, yes, I understand where you are coming from.
I also saw your post about a last contact and feeling closure. Just a heads-up...don't be surprised if your feeling closure fades quickly. I broke my xaps nc to get that elusive closure and was provided with reasonable explanations and he was sweet but the feeling of closure lasted about five minutes...just be prepared to have more questions, even if you feel you got the closure you needed (I learned the hard way).
Take care!
Free
This is a concept my T discussed w/ me the very first session. Most M's do not end due to A's, and while not advisable, A's can absolutely be a catalyst for change. I've also had to grab onto this and use it to forgive myself...I'm almost there :)
My H doesn't know, and is working HARD with me, but there have been times I've thought of telling him just to light a fire under his rear ;) I've decided to take it to my grave, though, and would never use
Good that you are expecting a
I appreciate your view, but let me tell you, I tried everything else first. It's not that I consciously chose to have this A, but it was after years of begging him to go to counseling with me, years of holding it up for him that the abuse was harming me and our children. I am a psychologist, I have many, many skills for communication! I was about to give up and walk out of the marriage. When XAP came along he gave me the strength to continue to try to work things out. I would not have chosen for H to find out, it was not the ideal way to address my issues, but in the end it was the best thing. Yes, there was damage. Mostly to XAP who is suffering terribly. But as far as everyone else, we are much better off, including our kids.
Hi Clarity,
I agree with your reply 100%.
I’m 2.5 yrs. out of my A and my DH and I have rebuilt our M. Like Gemini, I tried to get my H to go to counseling and I got books and even went to IC to fix myself. When I had my A, I already had one foot outside of my M and was ready to file for D.
Having said all that, there is nothing that you can do to hurt your spouse, children, family or church (if you are involved in ministry like I was at the time) more than having an A. The pain that I caused is deep and everlasting.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
"Iiiiinnnnncoming!" (high-pitched whistling gets louder and louder and louder) KAAAAAAAABLLLLLOOOOOMMMMM! (bomb hits target)
I hope no-one took my earlier post of support as meaning an A is a good thing or should be encouraged, of course they shouldn't. I was just trying to say that once you have taken that stupid destructive step then the sooner you end it, accept responsibility and move on the better. If as part of that process you make positive steps towards a better future in which you will not choose such a toxic path then brilliant. As someone whose Dad had an A after he had been with my Mun for over 20 years I am well aware of the pain a D-day brings (so god knows why I risked one).
So apologies if I gave the wrong impression, I obviously didn't express myself clearly. Think I'll just go back to lurking, I was much better at that !
Movingon x x
I'm sorry, but I still have to challenge your line of thinking.
I appreciate your view
No challenge here....just a thank you :)
I tried everything else first.
Did you communicate to you husband that you were about to enter into an affair?
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