a positive view of my A
Find a Conversation
a positive view of my A
| Tue, 01-26-2010 - 7:36am |
I imagine I am going to get some flack for this, but here is my perspective: XAP came into my life when I had been in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for 20+ years. He was the first person in my life to hold it up for me in a way I could see it. Result of all of this, now that it's over I can tell you it was the best thing that ever happened to my marriage. I want to preface this by saying my husband is an unusual person who grew up in difficult circumstances. He knows everything and accepts 100% responsibility for not meeting my needs. He is in therapy, working on his issues, learning to be the partner I need and deserve. So while I'm not saying it's a good idea, I have suffered terrible hurt, the A was the catalyst for healing in my marriage and I can't see this as a bad thing. Unusual, yes. But positive. This helps me let go. The purpose was served and it's time to move on.

Pages
Hi, Moving-
Was your post directed to me or did you mean to address it to the group? I certainly don't think you should go back to only lurking. Posting and getting feedback about your personal experiences is invaluable in the healing process. Please continue to post.
Cheers,
Dee
Movingon2010 I hope you don't go back to lurking.
I can appreciate the multiple perspectives being expressed and the fears and anxieties that framing an A as a positive can/has raised. I guess I would hope that as a community we could be more tolerant and understanding of the notion that Ending an A is a learning process for many of us ... replete with the need for re-framing, self-reflection, tough and gently love, and making positive steps toward a different way of Being. I likes lines of communication to be open. I have learned a lot about how much I have to learn from those posts that 'step-out' of the boundaries ... that don't conform, because the tough love they receive back assists me to re-think my thinking. I worry that if we keep saying the same things over, because they are the 'right' things to say here, then we will potentially miss out on the learning that might have happened from the dialogue that unfolds as a consequence.
I trust the wisdom on this board. I fully trust the intentions of the CL's and the Vets ... implicitly. With this trust comes the belief that you will continue to offer your guidance & support to those of us committed to ending our A.
Just my two cents ... and it's not meant to collude with anyone. I simply believe that only through critical, authentic dialogue do we more toward deeper insights into ourselves and our motivations for having arrived here to begin with.
j.
movingon,
I hope you don't go back to lurking. Your willingness to share your struggles here helps others;I know it helps me. None of us "newbies" are going to do everything (anything) right, but sharing our thoughts, opinions, attitudes and failing is also an important part of healing.
I don't have very thick skin. I hate how this feels and I am not into getting my butt kicked; but I came here for a reason. I really try hard to see where the vets are coming from, it's their role. My gosh, as a MW here who is struggling through the end of an A, I get that four-fold. When they respond to my posts, tell me all the things I've got wrong and how I am going to ignore them (me=deaf and dumb), I know that the vets ( Iddy, WC, E1 and others) are making an investment in me. They don't know me from a hole in the wall, but I can tell you that their willingness to be vocal means so much to me; I am sure it does to all of us.
Unless they want to tell me I am wrong, the vets already know we are going to mess up the end of our A. In their years here, I wonder how many people have come here and not screwed something (everything) up. They are being direct and critical and kicking our butts because they know this is HARD.
Sticking to NC is HARD.
Letting go of the XAP is HARD.
Looking at ourselves and seeing us for who we are is HARD.
Healing all of the hurt after an A is HARD.
Rebuilding a marriage after an A is HARD.
Being single after an A and rebuilding self-esteem is HARD.
They know that. They've BTDT.
If those of us here had it all right and it was easy, we wouldn't be here in the first place.
It's my Tuesday and I am about to enter an afternoon meeting. I am trying hard to stick to NC. I am committed, but struggling; but you all knew that already.
BTW, I'm not judging anyone. I have no right or foundation upon which I could. We are all equal in our responsibility for being in an A, but I can say confidently that absolutely nothing good or useful has resulted from my A; nothing good was going to come from it continuing, which is why it had to end.
MPV
gemini - I do get what you're saying. My A was a catalyst for me as well.
I was with my husband for 12 years -- he's an alcoholic and our entire relationship was always so hard. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and therapy only helped so much. I have wanted to leave him for years.
I think I seeked out an A just for affection and kindness. My AP was an absolute gentleman. He always treated me with respect, had really good manners, made me laugh, listened to me, etc. While it was wrong and I wouldn't recommend an A to anyone, it helped me see what it was like again to be around someone caring and kind.
I filed for divorce in November. I didn't leave my M for AP. In fact, I didn't even tell my AP I was separated until much later because I never expected him to do the same and it really didn't matter. But he actually did me a favor in loving me for the short time he did. It gave me the strength or that little extra push.
I ended the A just recently and I'm going through with the divorce.
Firstly to Dee, sorry yes it was directed at the group - I really am new to this posting.
To all - may be I am naive - and I'd course there is nothing positive to an A so I don't like title of this discussion. But I do think something positive can come out of the end of an A, in fact the v fact it has ended is a positive.
I also know that people have to be tough but sometimes people should also show compassion and not kick people too much when they are down - can't believe I am saying that as my friends are always saying I am too abrupt and lacking in tact !
That was all I was trying to say and no I haven't BTDT but I do know if I hadn't shown some compassion to my Dad when he had his A over 20 years ago then perhaps he wouldn't be here today as he admitted he got to the stage when he thought we would all be better off without him due to the pain the A caused. I was angry and I ranted and yelled at him but I also pointed out there were worse things he could do (v few but they existed !)
Movingon x x
Better not go back to lurking.
I agree with clarity that it's best to figure out issues without dragging others in only for them to end up as collateral damage. I did not know my xAP was very much M when he met me - he told me he was separated and getting divorced. All I can say is that it has been incredibly painful for me to learn the truth and now I have to pick up the pieces and move on. I accept responsibility for staying in contact after learning the truth, (1.5 years later) and have chosen recently to block him permanently because an A is a very toxic situation. I'm fixing me now and it is no longer about him.
It's nice that your M is on the mend, but did you think about how much pain you were going to cause someone else because your M was failing? I for one, am in the same place your xAP is in and it is very painful. I would not want to hear from him that I "helped" him. That would twist the knife even deeper and reinforce the notion that I was nothing more than a distraction away from his own troubles. The A already did that and hearing that I may have been used as a pawn to repair his M would be an extremely painful thing to hear - on top of the other pain I am already experiencing. It would magnify the feeling used factor 1000%. You should spare him the pain and make sure he doesn't find that out from someone.
If I were you, I would look at why you chose this path in the first place. No matter how you color it, regardless of what the your H's problems were/are, the issue stills lies within you. You chose to M him and You chose to have the A. If you don't really look at the reasons why You made those choices, you may end up back in the same boat so to speak.
My biggest lesson in my situation is that I will never ever get involved with someone who is still emotionally attached to another. I have also learned that I will not do that to someone else either.
Just a realistic view from the other side of the situation.
Actually, and please don't take this personally dee, but I didn't use my xAP to feel good. I was truly in love with him. That I can say with absolute certainty.
Thank you energy2006. That's what these boards are for right? Reality with no sugar coating.
Anyway, my point with my previous post is this. Regardless of what the A did or did not do doesn't matter. What really matters is the faulty thinking that lead us down this path to begin with and that is what we need to figure out. I am by no means innocent, after learning the truth, I chose to stay in contact. I realized though, that is never ok to be in an emotional love triangle - it's just not healthy for any of the parties involved. Now I have to figure out why I did this to myself. Why didn't I go with my gut and block and walk when the "red flags" were flagrantly waving themselves in my face? That is the issue that I am trying to figure out and whatever xAP said or didn't say is no longer the issue.
Maybe, years from now, when I have put this all behind me will I be willing to hear how I may have helped him. But not right now that is for sure. I am still too raw and it still hurts waaaay too much. :(
Pages