a positive view of my A

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
a positive view of my A
28
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 7:36am
I imagine I am going to get some flack for this, but here is my perspective: XAP came into my life when I had been in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for 20+ years. He was the first person in my life to hold it up for me in a way I could see it. Result of all of this, now that it's over I can tell you it was the best thing that ever happened to my marriage. I want to preface this by saying my husband is an unusual person who grew up in difficult circumstances. He knows everything and accepts 100% responsibility for not meeting my needs. He is in therapy, working on his issues, learning to be the partner I need and deserve. So while I'm not saying it's a good idea, I have suffered terrible hurt, the A was the catalyst for healing in my marriage and I can't see this as a bad thing. Unusual, yes. But positive. This helps me let go. The purpose was served and it's time to move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 6:48pm

I'm usually a lurker as well and seldom post.


My challenge to the

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 8:33pm
No, I did not.
Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 9:01pm

Okay, I let you all give your opinions on this thread without making any comments, ONLY because I wanted to see in what direction this thread would go. I pretty much assumed it would go downhill and with that being said, I'd like you all to put a lid on it now.


Remember, there are many raw emotions floating around on a forum like this, and not every one is on the same page , so if something is written that does not settle well, you can always put that person on ignore, or just skip over their posts. This is NOT a debate board nor are we here to make someone feel bad for sharing their thoughts. If you want to debate the negative and/or positive views of an affair, here is the board you can do this on:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ivallsides?redirCnt=2


TIA,

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 9:14pm

Chiming in late here...

I agree with Clarity, Empowerment, Energy and Kilowatt said. No good come from A's. None. I do not care how or what you may think was positive about it. Too much pain from all parties. We make choices, we know what the consequences. We are being selfish to even engage in one. To think that this is positive or good regardless if your marriage is somehow better, the A is always there, it lingers, the past comes back on you, via your children, via an argument with your H, it comes back, if the exAP comes back around for some reason, your H has to relive the whole experience. Sure, you can heal, move on and be happy. But the A is forever there and often haunts you and your family in one way or another.
A wise old women told me, "In life, everyone gets a bill to pay, when you get the bill may come sooner than later, the bill may be high or low, but the bill must be paid at one point, whether you can pay it or not all depends on you and your actions"

Let me know if that needs explaining.....take care everyone

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 9:16pm

Sorry iddy. I will zip it...I promise. :) You are right and I knew I shouldn't have clicked on the thread in the first place. I knew it was going to be a trigger. Sorry, I will promise to behave from now on. :)

Edited to add:

Yet another topic to discuss with my T. Geez...I gotta quit freakin torturing myself.




Edited 1/26/2010 10:23 pm ET by kilowatt2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 5:58pm
Clarity and E1, your posts are fantastic, I sit up straight while I read then, although, Clarity, sometimes through slightly opened fingers over my eyes. Ouch, but true. Tough love!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 12:19pm
Ok, folks, since I started this thread I would like to chime back in. I would have done so yesterday but I was away at a spa with H. We had an amazing time. We got drunk on tequila and talked about sex the whole two days. Just one of the "positives" to come of my A is my new awareness of what I want. My H is totally aware of ALL the details. And, btw, XAP not only knew he was helping me repair my M, it was part of his motivation to stay with me! These are extraordinary people and this may be an unusually open situation. I am willing to see that quite possibly no one else can see this. But I for one believe there are no mistakes in Divine Providence. No matter how painful, the A was meant to be. Yes, I sought T for a long time since he wouldn't go with me. Yes, I am looking at my own issues which led me to this place. Yes, I take full and total responsibility for my A and the havoc it has wreaked on me and XAP. But the end result? My M might be saved and be all the better for it. So in all of the suffering I can see good. I don't see that as a bad thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 12:48pm

I'm glad you came back :)


I apologize for


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