My D-days (yes more than1) cannot really be compared because my H cheated first and his had consequences I wont go into right now but suffice it to say he did quite a number on our M himself so when I had my A's, what could he say?
Believe me he was extremely hurt, cried, was angry, all those things your H is experiencing and also wanted to confront my ex-aps BUT I had never confronted his and I told him why break up another family?
You are living with someone who has become a 'violent offender' (meaning he has already assault xAP with the intention of continuing), with the demonstrated potential to cause fatal injuries to yourself, your family and xAP and his family.
Now that he has taken his behavior to this new level, I believe YOU are in the unfortunate decision of having to think of ONLY you and the children NOW. The next people who will be walking up to your door will be child protective services. I am so sorry to be so blunt, I wish I was there to support you through this, and to assist you to navigate the services that are available to you.
I believe, and this is based only on what you have shared, that you are being subjected to abuse ... This is not to minimize the trauma that has been inflicted on your H, or that he may be struggling with mental health issues right now. These things are indeed evident; however, YOU need to take action NOW on behalf of you and the children. You, like myself, did not take action soon enough in ending your affair (and we shouldn't have been in them in the first place), so NOW IS THE TIME for you to make actions that protect yourself, your children and hopefully your H. He is emotionally unstable and making threats to xAPs life. He will likely be charged with assault, and uttering threats. These are serious charges. You must demonstrate to your children that H's behavior is unacceptable, no matter what the reason behind them. He is making choices. He isn't so out of control that he is targeting random strangers or people off of the street. He is targeting YOU and xAP. He is NOT out of control. He is choosing WHO HE HURTS. See, that's the hard part to understand when mental health issues are involved - separating the abusive behaviors OUT from the mental health issues.
I don't feel it is safe for you to tell him that the police have come to the house. I worry that he is one moment away from taking his own life, or any one of the others involved in this situation.
NO NO NO to tolerating this treatment NC. YES what you did was to many unforgivable, and it's His right to decide whether or not he can. His actions demonstrate that he can not/will not at this time. That's all you can go on. Not the mistakes of your past keeping you hostage to this situation, least of all your children, and not make choices based on a future that hasn't happened. You have to make decisions for your family based ONLY on what is the REALITY of today. NOT what you would have liked it to be, or what you are hoping for it to one day be. THOSE days of irrational thinking are behind you.
YOUR FAMILY NEEDS A HERO NC ... you and your children need you to parent NOT from guilt, regret or shame. You have made a huge mistake. You learned from it, and NOW is the time to say ENOUGH. Please, for yourself & them.
Please contact a local women's shelter for suggestions on how to make a safety plan, and who to connect to & how in the case of an emergency. Who is your support system in your RL? Who else knows of his esculating behavior. I know you are ashamed of what you did, BUT YOU ARE NOT CAUSING H's behavior, and if HE can't provide a safe space for you, or more importantly the children, THEN YOU MUST. You have to care about them more than about saving face of saving the marriage. THIS isn't to say that he has done "anything" with them around, but this is to acknowledge that his willingness to put them into harms way, and to knowingly foreground his revenge against xAP over all of your well-being, STILL, is alarming and you need to pay attention. This isn't a FOREVER decision, it is a decision based on NOW, to give everyone a chance to make it through this CRISIS alive, and without unalterable damage. Remember, the appointment won't be nearly enough to end the crazy, just a beginning. It will TAKE TIME. SO, until then, you need SAFETY FIRST.
Please don't take this as a finger waving. I am speaking from my heart to someone I care about, worry about and go to bed hoping is safe. AND it is a poignant warning to lurkers, both in terms of the potential consequences of a DDAY, but also WHAT IS NOT within the range of acceptable behavior.
I thought your H had returned home after the fight with parents? And suggesting action to leave, and actually leaving and staying are not the same thing. The children need more than familiarity NC if things don't get better faster. Unfortunately the actions of W were what she needed to do ... she didn't destroy your family. I know that's hard to hear ... but your affair, and your Husband's actions are who destroying it now ...
It is a sad sad mess, and you know that I know it well. I am so sorry to read about your daughter, and I hope all goes well for her and the focus can shift to her.
And if he wants to go, then let him go. You can't beg or plead ... acceptance and closure with the hopes of stability and peace for you and the children.
U always hit me in the core of my very being. I was a victim of a husband just like you described. He was like this before any A I ever had. He suffered from low self esteem.
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Hi NC,
My D-days (yes more than1) cannot really be compared because my H cheated first and his had consequences I wont go into right now but suffice it to say he did quite a number on our M himself so when I had my A's, what could he say?
Believe me he was extremely hurt, cried, was angry, all those things your H is experiencing and also wanted to confront my ex-aps BUT I had never confronted his and I told him why break up another family?
Hi R4M and thank you any support and words of wisdom are greatly appreciated at present
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Hey NC-
I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
Dear NC,
You are living with someone who has become a 'violent offender' (meaning he has already assault xAP with the intention of continuing), with the demonstrated potential to cause fatal injuries to yourself, your family and xAP and his family.
Now that he has taken his behavior to this new level, I believe YOU are in the unfortunate decision of having to think of ONLY you and the children NOW. The next people who will be walking up to your door will be child protective services. I am so sorry to be so blunt, I wish I was there to support you through this, and to assist you to navigate the services that are available to you.
I believe, and this is based only on what you have shared, that you are being subjected to abuse ... This is not to minimize the trauma that has been inflicted on your H, or that he may be struggling with mental health issues right now. These things are indeed evident; however, YOU need to take action NOW on behalf of you and the children. You, like myself, did not take action soon enough in ending your affair (and we shouldn't have been in them in the first place), so NOW IS THE TIME for you to make actions that protect yourself, your children and hopefully your H. He is emotionally unstable and making threats to xAPs life. He will likely be charged with assault, and uttering threats. These are serious charges. You must demonstrate to your children that H's behavior is unacceptable, no matter what the reason behind them. He is making choices. He isn't so out of control that he is targeting random strangers or people off of the street. He is targeting YOU and xAP. He is NOT out of control. He is choosing WHO HE HURTS. See, that's the hard part to understand when mental health issues are involved - separating the abusive behaviors OUT from the mental health issues.
I don't feel it is safe for you to tell him that the police have come to the house. I worry that he is one moment away from taking his own life, or any one of the others involved in this situation.
NO NO NO to tolerating this treatment NC. YES what you did was to many unforgivable, and it's His right to decide whether or not he can. His actions demonstrate that he can not/will not at this time. That's all you can go on. Not the mistakes of your past keeping you hostage to this situation, least of all your children, and not make choices based on a future that hasn't happened. You have to make decisions for your family based ONLY on what is the REALITY of today. NOT what you would have liked it to be, or what you are hoping for it to one day be. THOSE days of irrational thinking are behind you.
YOUR FAMILY NEEDS A HERO NC ... you and your children need you to parent NOT from guilt, regret or shame. You have made a huge mistake. You learned from it, and NOW is the time to say ENOUGH. Please, for yourself & them.
Please contact a local women's shelter for suggestions on how to make a safety plan, and who to connect to & how in the case of an emergency. Who is your support system in your RL? Who else knows of his esculating behavior. I know you are ashamed of what you did, BUT YOU ARE NOT CAUSING H's behavior, and if HE can't provide a safe space for you, or more importantly the children, THEN YOU MUST. You have to care about them more than about saving face of saving the marriage. THIS isn't to say that he has done "anything" with them around, but this is to acknowledge that his willingness to put them into harms way, and to knowingly foreground his revenge against xAP over all of your well-being, STILL, is alarming and you need to pay attention. This isn't a FOREVER decision, it is a decision based on NOW, to give everyone a chance to make it through this CRISIS alive, and without unalterable damage. Remember, the appointment won't be nearly enough to end the crazy, just a beginning. It will TAKE TIME. SO, until then, you need SAFETY FIRST.
Please don't take this as a finger waving. I am speaking from my heart to someone I care about, worry about and go to bed hoping is safe. AND it is a poignant warning to lurkers, both in terms of the potential consequences of a DDAY, but also WHAT IS NOT within the range of acceptable behavior.
With Love,
TU.
Hey TU, Heart....
I have said
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
((hugs))
I thought your H had returned home after the fight with parents? And suggesting action to leave, and actually leaving and staying are not the same thing. The children need more than familiarity NC if things don't get better faster. Unfortunately the actions of W were what she needed to do ... she didn't destroy your family. I know that's hard to hear ... but your affair, and your Husband's actions are who destroying it now ...
It is a sad sad mess, and you know that I know it well. I am so sorry to read about your daughter, and I hope all goes well for her and the focus can shift to her.
And if he wants to go, then let him go. You can't beg or plead ... acceptance and closure with the hopes of stability and peace for you and the children.
Much care & concern,
TU.
Hi TU,
Yes he left to go to parents, came back after row wth them lasted 3 days and wants to move out again
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
TU,
U always hit me in the core of my very being. I was a victim of a husband just like you described. He was like this before any A I ever had. He suffered from low self esteem.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I am not good at playing the hero and i am not sure the children will see H as a hero......It is a sad and sorry mess....i wish xAP's W
NC-
Your H
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