Post Dday - Revenge Issues FL and Heart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Post Dday - Revenge Issues FL and Heart?
41
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 8:00pm

Hi Guys

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 2:21pm

Heart.....Your H sounds so similar to mine the way you describe his thoughts and actions.... I dont feel unsafe.... initially neither he nor i would move out, now i think i have just worn him down...if i had given him more space at the start maybe we would be further

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 12:45am

Hey NC

Right - now i have caught up on your situation and whats been happening. Oh sweetheart what a mess. But I agree with a lot of the advice you have received here- yes we have all done the wrong thing in having the A in the first place- but this behaviour (whilst founded in genuine pain) is really beyond toleration. Your H MUST work out a way to work through his pain without making things worse for all of you.

You mentioned that one of the reasons the distraction and escape of the A took hold was because H didnt support and work with you after your DD's accident. I think this is important! Are you able to somehow talk to your MC about this. I think we are wrong for havibng the A, but our spouses have to accept that it was a bandaid solution to a bigger problem that still needs fising even when the A is over.

M&MB - I have to comment on what you said. NC's A was long over and the BS knew about it and facilitated the ending. Three months after forcing the end- to which NC and the xAP religiously adhered- the BS STILL decided to call NC's H and tell all. Why she did this is for her to know- but it seems incredibly cruel given she had already spoken with NC and knew the A was well over.

Big hugs NC xxxx

Iggy x

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 7:19am

((((((NC)))))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through this hell, because that is exactly what it is, and i thank you for sharing your pain with us, because if that doesn't encourage NC i don't know what will.

NC, I did not have a dday but my EMM did, his W spared me, she 'did not want to hurt another family' were her words. By reacting this way EMM's W showed me how much class she had and how much class i didn't for getting involved with her H in the first place. The way she handled it SPOKE VOLUMES to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 8:28am



***

"M&MB - I have to comment on what you said. NC's A was long over and the BS knew about it and facilitated the ending. Three months after forcing the end- to which NC and the xAP religiously adhered- the BS STILL decided to call NC's H and tell all. Why she did this is for her to know- but it seems incredibly cruel given she had already spoken with NC and knew the A was well over."

"There was absolutely no need for your exAP W actions, what was the purpose of it, revenge? At what cost or outcome? violence? heaven forbid, suicide? I don't really see how constructive her actions were to her family in any way."

***

Hello,

I would like to comment on the previous two quotes ... as I believe they articulate to ME a mindset that is not productive in terms of taking accountability and appreciating the perspective of the BS. While this is NOT the place to debate this point, I DO suggest you really challenge yourselves to think carefully about expecting "respect" for families, and constructive actions in the tornado that is Post-Dday.

Processing an affair is a circular process, just like ending it ... with multiple layers of healing. What the BS may need/want to say at first discovery may be VERY different at different points in time. When we get hurt by the BS's actions, it is NOT time for judgment or blame, it is time for reflection and accountability. I'm sorry, but the WIFE's actions would not be the cause of any of the things you listed V888 - the perpetrators of the AFFAIR were the catalyst, and then the subsequent CHOICES of the BS in taking care of their OWN healing. How she needed to get closer or not, not up to you, me or the AP to decide.

IGGY - I know you meant to provide a context for the poster's anger, but there is some real fogged in thinking ... to label the actions of the BS as cruel, and that she FORCED the ending ... well, that's just NOT true. No one forces anyone to do anything, that's the WHOLE point.

People make choices, and in an affair we ALL deal with the consequences of the resultant UNSTABLE situation. That's why a Dday IS always possible, even YEARS out.

PLEASE posters remember, WE were the active participants in the affair, and CAUSED unparralel hurt & PAIN (which makes ours PALE in comparison - LIKE so PALE IN COMPARISION) and that ANY bad talk toward the BS is NOT tolerated on this baord.

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 9:54am

I been gone a while and due to being snowed in, I have had some time on the boards as of late. Maybe that is for a reason.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 10:13am
Luvin,

YOU are MY inspiration - here, and in Life. You speak of what you have lived, & lived through. You are brilliant, passionate and SO giving to this board. I hope all the lurkers can hear your wisdom ... and seriously RUN for their lives.

YOU remind me that EACH one of us will pay the piper. For some of us, the internalizing of what we have done that our spouses will never know will be so crushing that every day is spent with moments of crushing pain and remorse.

Others, like yourself, will face ongoing harassment and abuse. Working to the bone, all the while trying to raise children on your own who have their own unique struggles with what has happened for you all.

Myself, facing my children every day, packing up their stuff for dad's house.

Others, like Froggy, Jane and now NC & FL are dealing with the crazy roller-coaster that follows a DDay that makes the roller coaster of the affair seem like a CAKE - WALK.

Love & hugs to ALL on this board.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 3:49pm

TU and Luvin'

Thank you so much for your time in sharing your experiences and clarifying the stance of a BS. May i just say that a day does not go by that i do not feel like 'scum of the earth' for what i have done to my exAP's family, not a single day. I practically bring this up in every single one of my posts on EAS. I completely and entirely hold myself accountable for my selfish actions, in every way.

I totally agree with you in that we are the catalysts of the turmoil that proceeds from a dday, and in no way, shape or form would i expect 'respect' from a BS, the ball is entirely in their court to do what they see fit as healing, however i still do not regard calling 3 months down the track as healing the situation, but rather exacerbating it.

But how about having a little empathy for the innocent bystanders, the children, who are in the midst of witnessing violent attacks, police visits, a parent having suicidal tendencies, the list goes on. I have not been the BS, but i have been one of those children,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 5:28pm
Dear V888,

((hugs))

I want to thank you for your respectful response to me. In a perfect world, when we have all been hurt, we would only take constructive action and not drag innocent people into an already horrific situation.

We ALL should have known better getting into an affair. I didn't give much thought to the lives I was destroying then, each and every time I stole their time, resources, loved one's attention. How about my own innocent H, and children? How about friends I lied to? Work hours lost? ... everyone was a bystander only they didn't know it (yet) ... they couldn't name the horror, just feel it.

I didn't pay attention to my gut telling me that lots and lots of people WERE being hurt by my actions. WE didn't have much empathy in our affairs - we TOOK and TOOK and TOOK. We didn't care about the consequences to the BS. Couldn't anticipate them because we were in DENIAL. Would any of us really had done this if we REALLY believed we'd find ourselves here, lives in shambles? NOPE. We all thought some how we were SO different, that all those horror stories would apply to other people's affairs. NO DDay for ME. Go over to MAS and read all the denial about DDays ... WE don't want to believe it. AND if we do, we do it anyways.

Everything about affairs is unpredictable and UNSTABLE. It is playing with fire. XAPs wife assaulted him when she found out he tried to see me again after DDay ... all I could think about was the role I played in creating a situation in which she would one day strike him. This isn't to say I hold myself accountable for her choices, only that I could see how it could happen knowing her commitment to him and how hard she was working on their M and how much he had been lying to her.

I don't know that any of us can know whether it was about pure revenge or not, or more probably the actions are about the continued spiral of one BS's descent into their own personal hell. Just like WE ourselves didn't THINK through our actions in an affair, HOW CAN we possibly think most BS are going to be able to think straight when they find out about the affair?

I trust that people's intentions are never really motivated from true hate, but often from indescribable hurt and feelings of despair and hopelessness/powerlessness.

I also want to say that I am sorry that the adults in your world didn't protect you from their issues. It's awful ... and it's important to recognize our triggers when we see ourselves in the stories of others. That empathy will assist you in your healing journey.

I can hear your pain, I commend your accountability. I doubt don't you feel the weight of your actions every single day. I don't think that is a Universal feeling here ... and not that it "should" be, but I think it goes a LONG way in helping to keep the fog at bay.

I also think that the wayward spouse MUST TAKE ACTION when they can see that their children:

"are in the midst of witnessing violent attacks, police visits, a parent having suicidal tendencies, the list goes on."

Again, this isn't about figure pointing ... and I hear you V888. I really do.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 5:47pm

TU, Luvin, and V888

You are all so eloquent in your responses

I know i have issues over xAPs W and her actions, i always have had

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 6:41pm

Hi all

I want to say how much evrything you have all said resounded with me. I have to clarify that in no way do I feel that the BS (either one) deserves anything less than our compassion, understanding, apology, empathy, regret- gosh just every feeling i can think of.

I guess what i wanted to say was not that NC's exAP W 'forced' the end- but that she was aware of the end and had already vented to NC. V888 said it best when she said that the phone call 3mths later simply exacerbated a situation that was already painful and extreme.

I just feel SO much pain for NC. She had ended the A, chose a new and focused life with H, handled the pain of the BS with compassion, but still had the pain of whats happening now all these moths later.

Apologies though if I came across sounding like I have no compassion for the BS- I certainly feel shame and pain for what i have done and could have done if my H or exAP w ever found out. It wasnt my intention to belittle her pain.

NC- the email from H must be fuelled by his pain- gosh I hope you can work through thsi all. Im praying for you xxxxx

Iggyx

You are what you consistently do