I am so sorry that your H is continuing to make the choice to engage in such destructive behaviors.Daily & on-going.
And I guess my point is this:
The only actions that you're responsible for are your own.
The only people you can NOW be accountable to are you and your children first.
The commitment YOU made was to your family.
The commitments xAP made were to his family.
You both broke those commitments and the obligations they entail.
Now that the affair is OVER, the only choices you get to have are the choices that YOU alone make.
THE ONLY EXPECTATIONS one can really have are of oneself.
Secondly, are the expectations one has of their spouse. IF THEY ARE UNABLE OR UNWILLING to continue to meet those expectations, THEN you make choices about THOSE actions.
YES - there are harsh words here directed at the actions of EAS posters' spouses when their actions threaten to cause direct & immediate emotional/physical harm to fellow EAS posters and their children because YOU are the poster here ... NOT the xAP or the BS.
YOU are the one we care for, and want to see safe.
YOU are who we invest our energy in because it is YOU who we believe in.
YOU are the one who can (and who is trying to) make better choices for YOUR family.
YOU are the one we so desperately want to see live a life of peace.
Please know that we support you, that we are wanting this all to end, but realistically, know that this is a very unstable situation that could go very wrong at any moment. We could spend time going back and forth about how wrong or right the actions of the BS are ... but that's not the point here. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Let's stay in the present moment NC and help you deal with the consequences TODAY. If anything, I just want you to KNOW that we care about you, we want you to be safe, and we want you to stay focused on just that - on being safe & knowing that no matter what has happened you DO NOT need to live with this treatment from H.
I appreciate everyones comments and I support all of you. I have read thru the posts more than once. I do not doubt that we are all sorry and remorseful. Very.
I am adamant about not talking about ANY BS because we do not know them at all. Unless, this person is your close friend, you do not know them.
The amount of pain published in this discussion is just OVERWHELMING.
I don't know how many times my eyes welled up reading everyones posts. TU and Luvin' i respect and absorb everything you have said here, you are just incredible women, and i love you for being here for us fledgelings. NC, I am so sorry i got lost in the pain of your post i almost forgot to congratulate you on becoming a super tweener. Congratulations NC. My wish for ultimate peace and healing to you and your family.
transcended.us, you are an amazing writer. I hope you are writing for a living. Your posts are so deep, true and are a great read. I know my delivery is harsh and I am working on being so harsh, but I pray that the fog clears for NC and she realizes that she cannot dictate how others handle the pain of an A. She can only make sure that she doesn't allow herself to be a partner in crime with another MM. I was just thinking today about how I left work for hours at a time to meet up with my XAP. I risked my job and came back to work and lied to my employees about where I was. I cringed as I thought about my awful behavior. The things I did to feed my addiction were the same as any crack abuser who is trying to feed their addiction. How in the world can we ever judge anyone else for how they respond to what we did is beyond me.
BTW, NC, maybe it's time to ask your DH for a trial seperation. Some ppl really can't handle infedelity. It's just too much for some ppl. Maybe some time away from each other might be best for the both of you.
It is official...............my life as i know it is going down the toilet
H is adamant he wants separation and divorce. He loves me, always will but cannot/will never get over what i have done, how i did it. My deceit for so long, the A antics, the locations, the sordidness and the lies. He will never trust me again and will not allow himself to rsk being hurt by me ever again. there are no second chances... i blew it.
He wants out , i think, no i know he wanted it from day one, but couldnt., 3 months down the track he is ready. He is calm, he seems very rational and it is as though
I'm time-constrained at the moment, but just wanted to pop in and send hugs your way, and extend the email me anytime offer as well.
There are changes coming in your life - but you WILL get through them, and come out the other side of this, I promise. Hang tough, honey - you aren't alone, and you will end up okay.
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Dear NC,
I am so sorry that your H is continuing to make the choice to engage in such destructive behaviors.Daily & on-going.
And I guess my point is this:
The only actions that you're responsible for are your own.
The only people you can NOW be accountable to are you and your children first.
The commitment YOU made was to your family.
The commitments xAP made were to his family.
You both broke those commitments and the obligations they entail.
Now that the affair is OVER, the only choices you get to have are the choices that YOU alone make.
THE ONLY EXPECTATIONS one can really have are of oneself.
Secondly, are the expectations one has of their spouse. IF THEY ARE UNABLE OR UNWILLING to continue to meet those expectations, THEN you make choices about THOSE actions.
YES - there are harsh words here directed at the actions of EAS posters' spouses when their actions threaten to cause direct & immediate emotional/physical harm to fellow EAS posters and their children because YOU are the poster here ... NOT the xAP or the BS.
YOU are the one we care for, and want to see safe.
YOU are who we invest our energy in because it is YOU who we believe in.
YOU are the one who can (and who is trying to) make better choices for YOUR family.
YOU are the one we so desperately want to see live a life of peace.
Please know that we support you, that we are wanting this all to end, but realistically, know that this is a very unstable situation that could go very wrong at any moment. We could spend time going back and forth about how wrong or right the actions of the BS are ... but that's not the point here. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Let's stay in the present moment NC and help you deal with the consequences TODAY. If anything, I just want you to KNOW that we care about you, we want you to be safe, and we want you to stay focused on just that - on being safe & knowing that no matter what has happened you DO NOT need to live with this treatment from H.
((hugs))
TU.
I appreciate everyones comments and I support all of you. I have read thru the posts more than once. I do not doubt that we are all sorry and remorseful. Very.
I am adamant about not talking about ANY BS because we do not know them at all. Unless, this person is your close friend, you do not know them.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
The amount of pain published in this discussion is just OVERWHELMING.
I don't know how many times my eyes welled up reading everyones posts. TU and Luvin' i respect and absorb everything you have said here, you are just incredible women, and i love you for being here for us fledgelings. NC, I am so sorry i got lost in the pain of your post i almost forgot to congratulate you on becoming a super tweener. Congratulations NC. My wish for ultimate peace and healing to you and your family.
All my love
V888
xxxxx
I have just spent the better part of an hour read, rereading, and reading again all of your responses.
You women amaze me and I feel privileged to be here with you.
Thank you for protecting the sanctity of the BS - and for being clear headed enough to recognize that it is OUR actions that we need to focus on.
transcended.us, you are an amazing writer. I hope you are writing for a living. Your posts are so deep, true and are a great read. I know my delivery is harsh and I am working on being so harsh, but I pray that the fog clears for NC and she realizes that she cannot dictate how others handle the pain of an A. She can only make sure that she doesn't allow herself to be a partner in crime with another MM. I was just thinking today about how I left work for hours at a time to meet up with my XAP. I risked my job and came back to work and lied to my employees about where I was. I cringed as I thought about my awful behavior. The things I did to feed my addiction were the same as any crack abuser who is trying to feed their addiction. How in the world can we ever judge anyone else for how they respond to what we did is beyond me.
BTW, NC, maybe it's time to ask your DH for a trial seperation. Some ppl really can't handle infedelity. It's just too much for some ppl. Maybe some time away from each other might be best for the both of you.
It is official...............my life as i know it is going down the toilet
H is adamant he wants separation and divorce. He loves me, always will but cannot/will never get over what i have done, how i did it. My deceit for so long, the A antics, the locations, the sordidness and the lies. He will never trust me again and will not allow himself to rsk being hurt by me ever again. there are no second chances... i blew it.
He wants out , i think, no i know he wanted it from day one, but couldnt., 3 months down the track he is ready. He is calm, he seems very rational and it is as though
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Sorry Luvin....yes, you are right, we have never 'connected'
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
((((((( NC ))))))))
I will, my heart goes out to you. It really does. I will do all that I can to help you within the boundaries I can. I will PM you.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I'm time-constrained at the moment, but just wanted to pop in and send hugs your way, and extend the email me anytime offer as well.
There are changes coming in your life - but you WILL get through them, and come out the other side of this, I promise. Hang tough, honey - you aren't alone, and you will end up okay.
Love,
Kim
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