this post Inspired me to end

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
this post Inspired me to end
1
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 10:41am
Hi it's me again :-)

A while ago I read this post while I was still in the throws of my A, I saved it on my phone and read it to give me strength to finally end my A for good.

I wish I knew who to thank for writing it!!! And sorry I do t know who I'm quoting here, but you made a difference.

I hope this helps someone else too -

"Gonna, I will tell you that over a year ago I was curled up in ball and didnt want to get out of bed. I knew I had to end it and was the ender. I felt like a life line was cut. I felt like I was stuck on the side of a cliff and holding my hand out for someone to grab and no one was there. Before ending I read a book about Love Addiction and I identified with it. I felt like it was decribing me to a T. I knew I had always been attracted to another person and used the fantasy to escape my reality (even though I hadnt cheated until bring confronted with H's cheating-not that I feel that was an excuse cause there is never a good excuse for an A-ever). The fantasy was not enough once i found out my H had cheated. Like a drug addict needing to up his dose, I needed to up my fatasy by making it real. The thrill of just fantasy was no longer good enough. I told myself I may as well commit suicide because I was never going to get better and never be able to stop this need and change myself. I had had four affairs by this point. It was the lowest I have ever been in my life (except for maybe my D-day). I remember these feelings of never getting better and never being able to change. The thought of not getting my high off an instant message or contact was unthinkable. I had been to several counselors and no one could help me. Between finding EAS and finding an excellent IC, I am better than ever. This is why I say no matter how bad you feel? You WILL feel better. You will feel like you have control over your feelings and your life. I have to say, Gonna, you wont believe it when it happens but it will. Right now it is the toughest thing to face. That is why I say it is like losing a life line. That is how it feels. I couldnt imagine living with total reality and having no escape, no hit or high to keep me going. It was frightening. But here I am. Never ever thought I could be where I am. Fantasy was my life line for so many years-going back to HS. It feels real good to be living in the moment, enjoying life with others and not having my mind solely focused on another man 24/7. It feels good to have control back. You can do this. There is hope."
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 11:23am

Sometimes it takes

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.