Powerful NC posts reaching lurkers make a huge impact!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Powerful NC posts reaching lurkers make a huge impact!
23
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 3:29pm

Hello everyone,

My name is Jen and I have lurked on ivillage boards for so many years that I feel like I know so many of the posters on a first name basis.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009

Great tos ee these wonderful vets have not only helped us newbies and tweeners and all else but people who lurk and read as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004

Hi nolove4me,

Each day gets a little easier and by removing myself from as many self inflicted triggers I feel I can do this.

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Hi Jen,
Happy to hear that you come to EAS faithfully...I am a newbie and have made it through the first few weeks of NC - definitely not a picnic! But, it is the ONLY way
to heal properly. And that is our goal! True healing!! :)
My main problem is holding on to thoughts of a "friendship" (which never existed anyway) with xAP. I am learning to replace thoughts of "happy" and "friendly" times with thoughts of "happy" and "friendly" times with my RL friends who are truly there for me and do not use me up like a dirty rag and then hang me out to dry. Try it...it helps alot!! :)

Nice to see you here!
Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

Newbie here: just starting NO CONTACT.

I'd look so forward to your posts Jen - and others who are in the same NEW stage of NO CONTACT so that we can rally eachother on - point towards posts that are helpful - and help eachother through the tough times since I imagine - this might be the hardest period - "where all the challenging junk comes up".

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009

Michelle, I love baggagereclaim!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

No Contact Support Group – October 12th, October 19th – Online Workshops

If you’ve found yourself having to close the door on a relationship by doing No Contact and are struggling to stick to it and/or are still in pain, join this free online workshop group where you can submit your questions before hand and get them answered giving you the opportunity to learn from other people’s questions and experiences. Each group has a topic to focus on. Group size limited to 25 but if demand is high, I will look at creating extra slots or adding more dates. Reserve your space now. Can’t make it? Fill out the form and suggest a time and days that suit. Time: 10pm GMT+1

http://ngm.wufoo.com/forms/workshop-registration/

Key fears that drive us back into poor relationships include:

Boredom – When you’re in a relationship, this will be fear that everything is going
stale and that you need to inject some excitement or else the relationship is doomed.
You get nervous when there’s no drama, so you may create it, for instance, by
ending it, to put things back into the uncomfortably familiar. When you’re out of the
relationship, you become afraid of having to be responsible for consuming your own
time. Everything has been so tied up in who you are or were trying to be with him,
that you feel at a loose end and not like an entity if you’re not with him or trying to
be. You’ll also ‘miss’ the drama and it may make you feel nervous and agitated.


Loneliness - Fear of being alone. You’re so scared of being alone that you seek
solace in people who still have you feeling alone when they’re in the room with you.
You’d rather be lonely in your illusions than trying to rebuild your life with real
connections. You’ll also find that by being so trapped in your feelings, you’ll
inadvertently end up isolating yourself. This is why if we make men our focal point, we
end up losing ourselves in them and don’t know how to function and be an entity
without them. We end up co-dependent and we also make desperate choices in our
desperation to avoid the ‘loneliness’.


Abandonment - Fear of being abandoned, scared that you're losing him. You're
wondering what you did to chase him away or scared that you are chasing him
away. Unfortunately you’re choosing people that are likely to exacerbate that feeling
of abandonment and everything you are doing is unfortunately just pushing them
even further away.


Feeling neglected - Fear of being unheard, unloved, not cared for, and not
needed. Fear that your efforts don't count. Unfortunately even though you feel
neglected within the relationship, when you’re out of the relationship, you’ll seek
them out and try to be heard, loved, cared for, and needed so that you can feel
validated.


Pain – Even though you spend a lot of time in pain, you’re afraid of the perceived
pain that you think will be infinitely worse than the current pain you’re in. You
overblow the magnitude of the perceived pain using this as an excuse to avoid
change. You also believe that the pain you’re in now will be offset by
the perceived reward of gaining their love, attention, validation, and
the relationship you profess to want.

Rejection – You’re scared of what you perceive as full-on rejection so you stall theprocess of grieving and moving on so that you don’t end up feeling rejected. This ishow you end up returning to the relationship as you’re trying to stem the feeling ofrejection. If you go back, you think you’re not being ‘fully rejected’, but it doesn’ttake long until you realise nothing has changed and you’re still unhappy.

You basically end up having a relationship with your fear.
You subconsciously (maybe even consciously) believe that you are in control
because at least you know what you’re dealing with and by and large know what to
expect. As a result, you’re afraid of losing control.


Struggling to break your pattern and maintain No Contact will be driven by fear of
losing control.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

Ohhhh yay!!!! NoLove4me!!!!! I DO TOO!!! (Sorry to Hijack Jen) but you might find the support group helpful??? :)

Also - here is a NO Contact Rule Daily newsletter/ email that gets mailed to you directly and helps keep you on track.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-no-contact-rule-e-guide-newsletter/

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009

I def. already have her on facebook!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

NoLove <---Your name! ahhhh honey. I already read somewhere you're going to change it. :) that's good. I feel sad everytime I type it. :)

Well, the nice news about her information is that she does delve into the issues we women have which gets us into and keeps us rummaging in situations like affairs or involved with guys that arent there for us emotionally.

her facebook replies from all kinds of readers are a phenomenal source of comfort and truth for me.

Ill include the link here for everyone (Jen - sorry for the hijack again!) You're welcome to click the link!! :) Hope youre doing well.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/baggagereclaim

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009

I signed up for the workshop but not sure what time it is at in my location. I am in EST.

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