Pre-A Behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Pre-A Behavior
15
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 12:36pm

My personal thoughts and experience with this are timely since we've had a few pre-A Havers on the board lately. Here is my back story:
Tomorrow will mark the third anniversary of the murder of my nephew. I logged onto my now rarely used myspace account and went back three years to read the emails he wrote to me and to read the blogs I wrote about his death and the responses and support I received from my friends and his immediately after his death. While there, three years ago in my emails, I came across emails from men (not just one) that I was inappropriately flirting with. I began to think back to that time in my life, and the year or two before then, and see the pattern of self-destruction and the manifestation of really f'd up thinking right in front of me in those emails. How stunning and outrageously painful to see how I set myself up! How painful to see now, with my clearer perspective, how I was beaten down by life and sabotaged by my poor coping skills. How I turned away from my H and my M WAY too soon, before I even gave it a good shot -- and trying to figure out what was so damaged in me that I would do that. I see now that my A with my X was just the 'perfect storm' that sank me, but that I was adrift WAY before he came along. I thought I'd been addressing those issues since my A ended, but, honestly, I don't think I really confronted how deep-seated and insidious my bad behavior was this far before my A because I was too focused on the the actual A and getting over it and X.

This was my pre-A behavior in a nutshell:
I was very active blogging and posting photos on myspace, and now I realize I was desperately trying to connect to someone/anyone and was writing not for myself, but to impress a future A-partner (yet to be determined.) I see that now; I didn't see it then.

I flirted back with the kid in IT, even though I didn't really even like him - just because it stroked my ego.

I allowed emails and IMs to go south with men just so that I could feel some sort of intimate connection, have some "deeper" conversation about feelings and such. (gag!!!)

I began to develop a very well-fed fantasy life that was complete BS escapism that eventually became something I desired in real life -- the over romanticizing would make a Julia Roberts movie look flat by comparison.

I drank too much. Smoked pot. Did anything and everything that would help me symbolically run away from home and myself. I absolutely wanted to destroy myself, turn off my head, disappear...

In retrospect, the A was just a continuation of the road I had been on for a long time; it was not what got me to my goal of self-destruction, it was merely a shortcut along the way.

I was wondering if y'all would like to add some of your own experiences about who you were/what you were thinking pre-A.

Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 1:46pm

Great Post...great post.

I too had all kinds of self destructive behavior. Had had it for years. Always looking for a connection with someone, anyone, anytime. I was putting myself out there, making myself seem so available. I was on websites, posting pics, all kinds of nonsense. I wanted my ego stroked by anyone. Even if it meant sashaying in front of the security guard of my office building. I figured any attention was good. I was looking. I was ready something or someone. I was tired of my mundane life. It was boring. And I needed some excitement. I needed to stir the pot. My then H was a mess and I used that as an excuse to flirt and tease and use my sexuality anyway possible. Once I saw it's power, I capitalized on it. It was sad and outright pathetic!! I am so thankful that part of my life is over. I am lonely at times. I am sad. But I am no longer degrading myself to get attention or needing to fill a void that myself can not fill.

I set myself up...long before the A.

Luvin

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 2:00pm

This is a really good post.


One year before starting my A I began working out and lost 30 pounds. I enjoyed going to the gym because of the attention I was getting from many OM. I had worked hard on my body and in hindsight I was preparing for an A. I made sure I looked my best even wearing makeup trying to attract another man. I told myself that I was searching for a revenge A but actually I had checked out of my M long before my DH started his A. Looking back, I even pushed my DH to have an A. You see, he begged me for intimacy and he begged me for any kind of attention. I refused and shut him out. I had learned to shut ppl out when they showed me too much attention. It was a coping mechanism I developed as a child to escape abuse.


I never thought I was lovable so when I met a wonderful man who loved me dearly I couldn't accept it. Thank goodness I knew how to show my sons love. I solicited my AP. Not aggressively but I made sure I walked past him with my tight shorts on while he was working out, giving him the go ahead look. I reeled him into my web and there began the most sordid and disgusting relationship I ever had.


I have learned in T to talk myself through building up walls with my DH and I have learned to allow him to love me and I realize that I am worthy of real, true love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2008
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 2:05pm
I guess I was one to a catch a man's attention more easily, even when I was M, but I never saw it in myself, still don't,
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 2:08pm
Very important post Dee. I want to post about this. I need to reflect a bit more. Be back later!
Actingasif
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 2:21pm

Super cool, Acting! I really am looking forward to your insights!!! I'm hoping people will continue to really dig deep and share some tough truths. You're always such a star at that!

Thanks to all who've contributed so far. Y'all rock.

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 3:05pm

Great Post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 3:16pm

This is great Dee :) I've thought a lot about this over the years.

My behavior sounds very much like yours. My whole life I've gotten attention from men and when I reflect on it now, it was an ego-stroking game. I was a huge flirt and getting married did nothing to change that. My exH just accepted that that was me. And he trusted me. And, until XAP, my flirting was only that - flirting. But we all know what happened next. I can clearly see the concrete events that led to my demise.

First, my dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. We had a difficult relationship, but nonetheless, he was my dad - the only man on earth that I ever felt could really "take care" of me. My exH was (is) a wonderful person, but not a strong man. At the same time that my dad died, my business took off. I quit my full time job to be self-employed. My dad would have been extremely proud - my entire family, for generations, have all owned their own businesses. My exH was at a point where he really didn't know what he wanted to do with his life, career-wise. I was blooming, he wasn't. Our differences became more and more apparent. My business fulfilled me and I loved every part of it. I became involved in the community - President of several boards, etc. Still flirting - but with the "big wigs" I guess you'd say. And I met XAP. He was everything exH wasn't. Strong, successful, important, capable, etc. He was good looking and we had amazing chemistry. I flirted with one man too many. I know now that in addition to the qualities I just stated, he is also controlling, selfish, mean, jealous and a thousand other adjectives that I don't care to mention. I wanted him to take care of me like I wanted my dad to. It turns out that XAP actually possesses a lot of the bad traits my dad did. So, I didn't marry my "father" like a lot of girls do, I had an affair with mine!

And now you know....the rest of the story... :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 4:59pm
I ended my T sessions before we really got to the nitty-gritty of why? I believe I have/had unresolved adolescence issues. My sisters were the popular ones, had all the guys. When I did find someone,I set my standards low with the thinking that I couldn't do any better. My self esteem was extremely low (father issues). I still suffer from this. I met my DH in college. He wasn't a looker, however, he was kind, sweet, hard working. I became pregnant at a very young age. Fast forward 30 years. I blossomed. Because I'm not the busy mommy raising 3 kids, I now start to notice the attention from men, really GOOD LOOKING men. This was new to me. Exciting, intoxicating. I still didn't act on it....until....well, I saw him from afar. Kept my distance for months. He paid attention to me, the "cute guy", the guy who wouldn't give me the time of day in high school. I felt like I was 16 again. The aging, lonely, soon to be grandma. Do you guys get me? Can you understand the pull? I felt as if I had no control over my actions. I prayed to God for a way out. I never got that way out. It felt like paradise and hell all at the same time. An entire year of my life wiped out. I'm over a year out of that hell now. I want to feel beautiful on the inside. The outsides of people do not matter! My DH has a heart of gold that makes him beautiful. My self esteem is getting better daily as I make wise choices and try to better myself from the inside. If that effects the way I look on the outside, well that's just a bonus!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 6:20pm

Very shy. Very quiet. Not really very good with the mens. I seemed to push them away a lot because they smothered me or just flat out scared me. High school was awkward. I grew up in church, was your all American "good girl." Definately a late bloomer. Always had my chances with men, but I never took them. I wanted that one great romance. Never wanted a lot of men, just the one... perfect one. Naive as ever! But very lost. Was caught between good girl and being bored out of my mind. Frustrated that I hadn't met that "perfect man" yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 10:38pm

Thank you very much Dee for opening this topic up.

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