Pregnant and dumped by MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2003
Pregnant and dumped by MM
21
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 2:49pm

Well i recently found out that I'm pregnant by MM. He's been married for about two years and I'm engaged to be married. When I told him I was pregnant, and that it was his, he told me that he wished he could leave and never look back but that he couldn't do that because it wasn't the right thing to do.

My emotions were running rampant and I desperately didn't want to lose my finace (whom I love dearly) so he convinced me to tell my finace that he was the father (I know, big mistake)and I did. MM and I ended our "romantic" relationship but he promised he would be there for emotional support.

Since then he hasn't returned any of my emails and hasn't called. I just can't accepted that he's gone and out of my life forever, especially since I'm carrying his child. I'm having a hard time dealing with being dumped and lied to. I want desperately to let go and forgive him for acting this way. How can I say goodbye to him when I have a constant reminder of him in my life?

I'm not sure when my life became a Maury Povich show, but I desperately want a normal life again. I'm tired of checking my emails and waiting for the phone to ring. I know what I did was a mistake and I will regret it forever, but how can I move on from this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 6:58am
I'm not a betrayed spouse, I'm an exOM...Oh,and an adoptive father has a choice. She gave her fiance no choice, she lied to him and suckered him into believing that he is the father. That is reprehensible and wrong and not in the best interest of the child as other people have posted.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 7:09am
Is it possible you can banter your own status in another place instead of a thread from someone who obviously needs help??
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 8:56am

The CL made a false assumption about me and I corrected him...Then I responded to what he had said.

But you'd know that if you read the whole thread...I know, I know, details.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:18am

I want to thank everyone who read my post and responded. The reason I posted my "dilema" on the board is in hopes that your comments and suggestions would snap me back into reality and make me realize what I've done. I knew that I would receive honest, real feedback and I did.

I desperately want the truth to come out but when I think about all the love and protection that my finance will give this baby, how much he wants this baby and how hurt he will be when he finds out about my deception I just can't bring myself to say it out loud.

I appreciate all your comments and will take some serious time to reconsider what I've done.

Banster

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:38am
"he convinced me to tell my finace that he was the father (I know, big mistake)and I did."...................really big mistake which you need to correct immediately. In this day of dna testing (which is only going to increase) the truth will eventually come out. If you truly love your BF you will not do this to him. If the OM is the father then he needs to step up and be responsible financially. It should not be BF's responsibility. I belileve that OM has already shown his colors. I truly hope you will come clean with BF because you cannot have a loving relationship with this kind of secret.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 12:09pm

CL

I agree with you on the final decision is always left to the other. Some people need to realize that we are not here to judge we are here for support and that alone should be the focus for banster. My heart goes out to her and her situation whatever choice she makes we all need to respect and not be so judgemental. Mistakes happen and there are all types of solutions to rectify them.

You are a great speaker CL, seeing your post to others I truly enjoy your words of wisdom.

Take Care....
Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 12:14pm

Hi Banster,

I am truly sorry to hear about your situation. Honesty is the best policy whatever decision you make always remember that a father is not one who plants the seed,but one who is there to nurture and watch it grow. Mistakes happen and its up to you to rectify however you see possible. Good luck, You are fortunate to be bringing a piece of heaven on to earth no matter what the circumstance. A child is always a blessing.

Take Care
Here for you if you need me
Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 3:08pm

Banster:

I really feel for you. I know what hell you must be going through. You really have only two choices here....keep this baby a secret and live a lie for the rest of your life, or tell your fiance the truth. No judgement towards you at all, I'm just being upfront with you, and that is to tell you that this kind of a deception is a terrible one to have. It will haunt you and probably affect your relationship with him forever. It's not fair to him. He deserves to know the truth, and if you truly love him, you will give him that.

Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 10:59pm

Catching up on posts...thank you for clarifying your status. I'll put it into my memory bank.


As to "best interest of the child", you have your opinion, I have mine and everyone else on the board has their own opinion as well.


Doesn't change the bottom line that it is Banter's decision to make in the situation as it exists in her life.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:37pm

Banster, as you've already experienced, lies upon lies creates bigger messes. Initial truth telling after lies creates temporary increased distress, however, once the truth is on the table there is no need to hide. No more hiding rebuilds self-esteem and personal confidence. And stress from hiding does tend to take a large physical as well as emotional toll on your health. You've only had a few weeks' worth of this lie stress. Do you really want to carry it for the rest of your life?


Not to mention having to remember which lie you spoke to whom. Gets hard after a while remembering which lie goes where.


As you "reconsider" what you've done, please bear in mind the several posts reminding you of the possibility of a time in the future when a "forced" disclosure of the truth due to your finace unable to donate blood for your child or some genetic condition traceable only to the sperm source blows up into your life and your child's life.


Truth is truth. You'll know the absolute depth of finace's love only if he knows all sides. Wouldn't you rather have him love you and choose you "no matter what" from an informed stance rather than a deceived stance?


If the situation was reversed and your fiance had a paternity suit facing him in the face, wouldn't you rather have him tell you the truth and face it together with him as your demonstration of lvoe and solidarity with him?


There is no absolute guarantee fiance will stay with you after your heart to heart. And whatever trust you two have had for each other is already severely compromised by your affair participation. You know it. Fiance doesn't. Yet.


You may end up single. And you may end up putting child up for adoption.


Or,


You may end up married to someone who is willing to forgive and make the best of a very trying and awkward situation. Either way, doing it from telling the truth from this moment forward will have a huge ripple effect upon the rest of your life.


And regaining your integrity with a resolution to live in truth is important to you, isn't it?


cl-nre


P.S. If you do end up single, please remember you do have the option to pursue the biological father for child support. Be sure to see an attorney, you don't want xOM popping up to assert father rights at a later date without assuming proper responsibilities.


P.P.S. And I still believe 1 John 1:7-10 applies to what you're facing.