the problems i have caused myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
the problems i have caused myself
6
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 11:59am

The last few months of the a were total termoil for me i had basically shut down every thing in my life, he said he was leaving her and the anxiety it caused me was terrible cuz i watched everything, every smile, every touch every time he was nice to her it spiraled me my head was a mess, not what thus part is about but the why.
Ok so I'm not proud but my days consisted of him if i wasn't at work i was home laying on my bed the only time i moved much was if he was coming to visit. I let him believe i was functioning but i wasn't, I'm lucky if i made dinner and even that was easy and half a$&ed. My house has only been surfaced cleaned in i can't tell u how long, quick look you'd think its clean but its not its a hidden mess and dusty at that. I'm the one who does the bills my h doesn't even look at them. When I'm a mess i say i I'll deal tomorrow over and over. I haven't used my budget in months, we are rich and we have some good amount of cc debt but nothing that can't be handled. Well since i haven't used the budget I'm in trouble, i know have stuff past due, no money to catch it all up a few creditors are calling I've never been 30 days past due but am now and my credit is marked. Meanwhile my h has no idea and i have no explanation for him. I'm using budget and trying hard to make it up and today the gas Co called i had a shut off and didn't no, talked then into waiting till next week but I'm so stressed and its all my fault we make plenty of money to pay our bills this is nightmare. What have i done to myself?

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 12:30pm

Take a deep breath. It all can be worked out and righted with some work and effort.

You have to do it.

It is just like our life, it can all be turned around and straightened out.

You have to do it.

The first thing is to take a look at reality, and see where you are at.

You have to do it.

Make a plan and prepare.  You have to know exactly where you are going in order to get there.

You have to do it.

If is just more than you can handle then you need help.  Help is always available.

You have to do it.

There is nothing magical, no silver bullet to getting back on track and making things right.

You have to do it.

There is support all over the place, but part of the planning part is knowing what you need and where you are going to get it and how you are going to get there.

You have to do it.

It make take a lot of deep breaths, it may take a bit of self humiliation, it might just getting honest, but asking for help is an important step.

You have to do it.

You can do it.  I know you can.

It's all about you, and taking charge of your life.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 1:03pm

Oh man...your situation is making *me* a little nauseous because I've btdt...and not even due to neglect while being preoccupied elsewhere. Just plain ole procastination, avoidance and denial.  And each time I did that, the problem compounded daily with interest...which made me avoid even further...'til that fantasy 'tomorrow' turned into today's reality...ugh

And then, I'm reminded of a girlfriend of mine...this had to have been 25 years ago or so, got so involved with coke that she finally had to fess up to her husband that she had gone through $35,000 using...ugh.  But by doing so, they worked together to get her help.  Not saying you should do the same necessarily..just sayin' how it worked for her.

I'm not sure what to tell you.  I think I might start by calling the collectors...they tend to be more sympathetic when they see you are willing to iron the situation out and work with them...and come up with a payment plan.  I think it will make you feel better knowing you got proactive, got yourself back on track and the lights won't be going out or the gas won't be shut off.

Man, this sure is a lesson to learn...that there is something terribly off when we avoid reality...where our loved ones...and the bills reside...because we've become 'obsessed' with someone or something.  Hopefully, we realize in the future that *that* is a red flag..flappin' upside our head.  

It might help to make a check list of all the things necessary to get these matters taken care of.  There's something very satisfying and freeing as you begin to check things off "done".

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 2:42pm
I have gone back to the budget and having it on paper shows me it will take two months to have everything caught back up on time if nothing bad happens and we will be on a really tight budget. The fact that xmas is coming makes me cringe however h and i decided last week to borrow a bit from his retirement for kids xmas rather than using credit cards thus year
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 2:44pm
Dang i wasn't finished, this being of course him not knowing the budget is a mess. Its not as bad as it could be things are getting paid but i hate the credit reporting happened nothing i can do though and its on my card so at least its not him.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 3:58pm

Your card...not his.  Thank G-d for small favors.  

It seems you are getting on top of things now and that you may have just dodged a bullet.  Thank G-d for big favors :)

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 5:21pm
Exactly don't like myself much at the moment but this to shall be fixed.