The program

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
The program
10
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 6:51pm

Hi All, I have seen a bit of mention of the "ending program" and just wondered if it is documented somewhere here?  I have read a lot of the healing library but haven't got through it all so perhaps it is there?

 

I know the main thing is NC, which I am doing, but wondered if there are other steps or something that I am missing?

 

Dodgie xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to:
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 7:47pm

lol...the ending program, as I have referred to.  There's no actual program per se...listed out like in AA...although everything you read here and in the H.L. could be considered a program of sorts.  When I say that I mean just accept the situation for what it is and starting buckling down and get busy focusing on recovering.

But if there were a set program, I think it would go like this...in order of importance. And people can add anything to this thread they think fits the 'ending program' bill :smileyhappy:

1.  ACCEPTANCE...that the affair is over...no matter who ended it.  And accepting you will never get any answers from the xaffair partner because you can't break NC to even try and because chances are good you'll never get any straight answers and most importantly, all our answers lie within ourownselves.  Without acceptance, we remain stuck because we are resistant to, and fighting against, the truth...just spinning our wheels and going nowhere...fast.

2.  NO MORE BLAMING...It doesn't matter how you got here...if he/she pursued you to death...spoke words of love...blah blah blah...you are here (that's you in general) because of your own weaknesses and misguided thinking. Childhood issues, an overinflated sense of entitlement, inability to address issues head-on, lack of boundaries, lack of good coping skills..just some of reasons why we are here.  It will always boil down to ones own conduct...in any given situation.

3.  DIGGING DEEP...And this takes imo Professional guidance, a willingness to be honest with yourself and ability to ask, and find the answers to, the HARD questions; such as,

   A.  Why could I not remain true to my vows?

   B.  Why did I step outside my marriage?

   C.  Why did I jeopardize my wellbeing as well as the wellbeing of my loved ones...of my affair partner's loved ones.

   D.  What voids were I trying to fill, and how can I now fill them with healthier endeavors.

4.  FORGIVENESS of oneself and our affair partner.  I think this is the final and most vital step in order to move forward without baggage and to maintain and/or forge new relationships.  

I'm sure I'm overlooking something important, and so I might pop in with some other thoughts, but I am hoping that others will contribute as well in regards to what they think is part of the ending program.

I admire your diligence, Dodgie.  You could have gone backwards, after meeting up with your first big hurdle of reading those messages, but you didn't.  You remained open to what you have read from those who have gone before you...and I see nothing but sheer determination to move forward and put this behind you.

((hugs))

Clarity, who can't believe that it is 80 something degrees and she is watching the first Patriots game of the season :smileyhappy:


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 9:34pm

>I am practicing letting go and trusting that I am being taken care of and the path ahead is for my greater good, as well as for those around me<

Well there you go! There's a perfect affirmation right there.

Say this outloud, to yourself, as you drift off to sleep...make it your mantra and over time...and not that long...you brain will respond and you won't even being practicing anymore.  You WILL be letting go.  Really, our brain and cells are listening.

 

Watch your thoughts, they become words.

Watch your words, they become actions.

Watch your actions, they become habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

- Author, Unknown

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 10:09am

Clarity,

That is an amazing post with so much wisdom and truth.  Printing it out and carrying it with me!

Thank you!

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
In reply to: daisy4now
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 10:29am
Spoiler (Highlight to read)
Thanks Clarity, that is a very useful set of phrases, at all levels!
Thanks Clarity, that is a very useful set of phrases, at all levels!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to:
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 11:37am

Clarity,

You have given me much to think about with regard to my “program”.

I think I am still working on ACCEPTING that the A is really over.  Even though I ended it.  I couldn’t live the double life, the dishonesty, etc.  And I should be focusing on accepting the fact that I am living honestly and honoring my M and family and my life is much more manageable.  What a wonderful thing to “accept”!

And, I may have “questions”, but I know the answers.  My T and I talked about this last week.  The answer, for me and my A, is simple:  It was an A, he was never going to leave his W and he wanted me in the margin, on the side.  Ouch.  Kicked me in the gutt.  As it should.  I thought it was more because XAP always told me it was and he filled my head with words-all the A bullsh$t.  But, actions speak louder than words.  He’s still with his W, they just bought a large house together and he still tries to make contact with me to tell me he loves me, etc.  WHATEVER.  Not buying it.  I do not respond. He does those things for his ego.  He has no problem with having a relationship with someone outside of his M. Wants to see if the door is still open; wants to make sure I don’t “hate” him and that I’ll still be nice to him and be his “friend”.  Has nothing to do with me.  So, I have my answer.  End of story.

And, I don’t BLAME him for how far the A went.  Yes, he pursued, had me pegged, etc.  But it didn’t have to turn into an A.  I could’ve made different choices.  And how I wish I had! And I am working on DIGGING DEEP to understand the why’s.

No, I have not FORGIVEN myself or XAP, but am trying to get to that point.

A tough program to work, but necessary for my well being.

And, NC is just a part of the program, a part of the deal.  We can do NC and be white knuckling it the whole time, which may be what is needed at first to get out of the fog, which can only happen with time and distance from XAP, which can only happen with NC.  But eventually we need to do the work as described in Clarity’s “steps”.  And when we do that, NC is a no brainer and pretty effortless; it’s the RESULT of working the program.  Because we no longer WANT contact with someone who is not good for us.

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to:
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 11:39am

Sorry, gang.  But my eyes are going and I can't see squat sometimes with the small font!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 11:46am

I love large font.  My eyes aren't getting any younger.

Does this font make me look fat?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 12:03pm

YOU ARE HILARIOUS!  And you make me laugh!:smileyvery-happy: